Korie
It sounds like you are scratching at the air as you’re falling. Trying to get a hold on the moment you are in. You’re here and that is a hand hold you took.
I/we who have lived your experience so understand the struggle, the pain, and the isolation. I know for me I carried that alone caring for Donna at times. Donna was my wife my life and felt I owed it to her and the universe at large to do that. I wanted here to know she was not alone.
As I look back and reflect I would not have changed that. I would have added to it. Expanded my self care with others. Less to find help and more to share. I've learned that connection is at the heart of humanity. I see now I could have given Donna more of not just care but more of my humanity/love from connecting with others. At times I lost myself in chores. That is what you're doing here connecting so your humanity can blossom and have more of you to give.
Get the help you need and can find as suggested above. Yet allow yourself connection to share as you're doing here. Connection humanity & the honest sharing with others can be emotional guardrails for us. Helps us find our center.