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Réponse de country pumpkin
15 oct. 2021, 3 h 29

Hi Mary09
I'm sorry to hear your Mom is not eating much.  My Mom goes through those stages even though she is not on chemo.  My Mom will suggest something she would like and then when I make it for  her, she doesn't want it.  We had a small dinner for Thanksgiving because I didn't cook turkey this year. One of my brother's is married and stayed home.  The other stayed at his home and had roast beef.  I am having trouble these days trying to stay positive.  My older brother was here and we  got into a big arguement.  He's too controlling and I'm tired of being told how to do everthing his way.  I'm 57 years old and he treats me like a 10 year old.  I'm sure there are days when you just want to throw the towel in and give up.  I know you  are a good daughter and love your Mom dearly.  I know how you feel because I go through all those feelings every day also.  I get mad, angry, sad, anxious, depress etc.  I've been binging too much  these last couple of months to keep feeling my true feelings.  You have kids and a husband  you have to care and love for.  You are only human and you can only stretch yourself so far and you need to feel all those emotions or you will become sick or even have a breakdown.  There are times I wish I could trade places with my Mom because I'm tired of trying to maintain normal routine and keep the house going etc.  My dad built my Mom;s house, it's over 4000 sq feet long.  It's a beautiful Colonial style house but it's too big and it's almost 50 years old and needs repairs done on the inside and on the outside done.  I'm sure you are on an emotional rollercoaster and nobody really understands.  Your family wants your attention for them, you're trying to keep peace in the home but dealing with you Mother's illness takes a toll on your physic and body.  I'm finding I'm going to bed at 11, 12 or 1 am and still awake at 5, 6 or 7 am. I know we are taught as children to have faith and not question God for good or bad situations in our life, but it really is hard to keep positive. I think of you and your family daily and say a prayer for your Mom.  I know words don't do much comforting at times but I truly wish your Mom would be given a miracle.  Country Pumpkin.
 
Réponse de country pumpkin
15 oct. 2021, 3 h 50

Hi Sunshine09
It's nice to hear you had a nice Thanksgiving.  It seems the woman does all the shopping, cleaning, cooking and then clean up while the man enjoys the feast and then relaxes infront of the T.V.  They complain they have eaten too much and need to relax.  My older brother wasn't invited up to Mom's house  for Thanksgiving because I didn't cook a turkey this year.  I have the Kitchen covered with tarps because I've been busy painting all my Mom's cupboars, drawer, doors etc,.  I've been making simple meals like soup and a sandwich for dinner and I didn't want to make a big feast.  Since my Mom eats like a bird now there really is no point in making large extravigant meals.  I'm sorry to hear your marriage is having problems.  I'm finding my older brother and I are having more arguements and problems these last few months. When there is illness in the home, family members either get closer or fall apart.  Even though my Mom is dying and I'm soul caregiver, she doesn't give me half the stress  and dramathat my 2 brother's give me.  I do not take well to conflict due to some past problems with my ex and relations.  My 2 brothers do not get along and now I'm finding I'm having more conflict with the oldest brother.  I really shouldn't vent because no one inmy family contacted Covid which is a blessing.  Keep smiling and I'm thinking of you also.
Country Pumpkin


 
Réponse de Mary09
16 oct. 2021, 17 h 06

Hi Country Pumpkin,
Im sorry to hear your brother is being of no help to you.  Or worse he's making things harder.  I always wish I had siblings to help me with my parents but I know that having siblings doesn't mean they will automatically help.  I think that's worse.  Knowing you could have help and "should" have help.  If everyone pitched in..it would be less tiresome on one person.  I have no help but thats because it's just me so no one I can blame for that.  Can you tell your brother how you feel?  It sounds like you are running around trying to do everything for everyone... and taking care of a loved one who is dying is all consuming never mind taking care of a big house.  It is absolutely hard to maintain faith.  I used to think we are due a break for awhile...no more bad stuff...but it doesn't work that way.  It just keeps coming. 
I forgot if you mentioned already...are you living with your mom now?
im often jealous of people who post pictures of their parents even older than mine and they are so healthy.  I am 52 and wish I could be spending this time enjoying life.  my Parents have really taken a lot of my time even when they were healthy....by the time I get any time to myself I'll probably be too old to enjoy it.  I know that's not a nice thing to say.  But even so if I get fed up some days I still get on with it and do what I have to..no matter what.  One day at a time.
i hope this will be a gentle weekend for you.  Please take a little time for yourself.

Bye for now,
Mary 
 
Réponse de country pumpkin
16 oct. 2021, 18 h 45

Hi Mary09

Thank you for your kind words.  My 2 brothers are good people but they do not get along at all and my older brother is too controlling.  I'm tired of keeping my feelings inside.  He is not happy unless he is incharge of everything.  Mom puts him in his place but my thoughts and opinons don't really seem to matter.  The work around here is taking a toll on me, I feel like all I do is take care of Mom and do chores.  I love my Mom dearly and do anything for her but like you I really feel life is passing by and I'm just standing still.  You sound like someone I could chare a good friendship with.  You are very dedicated to your Mom as well as your family.  I hope they realize how lucky they you in their lives.  Someonetimes we take advantage of the people we love and cherish.
  I hope your older son is enjoying his first year in University.  I'm sure he is excited but also a little scared and nervous.  I never went to University but did 2 years in College.  My Mom encourage us as children to get a good education and try as hard as we could in our education.  It would lead us to different careers hopefully to a better life.  When you are feeling lost and helpless try thinking of some memories in the pass that made you feel happy and special.  You should try taking time for yourself even If it is sitting on the couch reading a good novel.  You are not horrible for wanting more out of like.  You are a good daughter, mother and wife and there should be a place for you to treat yourself also.  It's so easy to get caught up in everybodies problems and not take care of yourself.  I can relate to how you are feeling.  I stopped taking care of my apearance because I'm so caught up with Mom's health etc, that I gave up on myself.  It's probably an excuss but like you it's hard to keep positive when the world is weighing on our shoulders.  Believe it or not but I look forward to seeing your emails.  You bring a smile to my face .  You are a good person, you think of others even though your life is full of stress,  You still have time to say something encouraging to a complete stranger.  Thank you for being so kind and good hearted.nI wish you have some peace in your life.  Country Pumpkin ( Cheryl )
 
Réponse de Mary09
17 oct. 2021, 2 h 58

Hi Cheryl...😊
I look forward to your messages also!  I'm a big believer actually in the idea you can find wonderful friendships online just as in person.  Maybe even more so in some cases...because you can find someone you relate to but also there is no pressure and it's an easy relationship.  I can tell we have quite a bit in common...and I have no doubt you would be a lovely friend.  I have lost touch with all my friends due toy obligations.  It's hard to get resentful sometimes...and I admit I do.  I put everyone ahead of myself and alrhough I know I shouldn't I still do...I always have.  I used to talk to a therapist who tried to get me to set boundaries but I've struggled with that. My relationship with my mom is complicated... always has been.  Although I get frustrated I know I will see this through no matter what it costs me. So I get it.  I get feeling like all you do is take care of everyone else.  I said that to my husband recently that my purpose seems to just make sure everyone else is okay and has what they need to live their lives. I'm honestly not saying that to feel sorry for myself...it's just a fact.  I don't know how to put myself first...I wish I could do that sometimes.

So what will we do these brothers of yours?  I will tell you one thing I have learned painfully over the years and that's you can't change anyone.  You can only change how you react to them.  Your oldest brother will also be controlling.... and although he may get away with getting his way...the one thing he can't control is how you feel.  How do you think your relationship with them will be when your mother is no longer here?  I'm sorry that I know will be hard... for me too.  
Somwtimes I just have to content myself knowing I have done the best I can for my parents...more than a lot of children would. My guilt would be with my husband and kids because I have not made them my priority and that bothers me.  
If you don't feel you can speak to your brother...then perhaps you can find some ways to help deal with how they upset you.  Maybe distract yourself when he is not being pleasant by doing something for yourself.  Surprise him and go for a walk or a drive.  I know it's so very hard but it's what we need to do.  My problem is that I wake up each morning with all the good intentions.... and then I spend 5 minutes on the phone with my mom and my mood has fallen flat and I just want to sit and watch TV all day and do nothing.  Every single day. Sigh. Did you say you look forward to my emails?  They're all little depressing. 🤣🤣🤣
Im sure you've had a busy weekend with the house...hopefully your brothers are at least helping you with that.
If ever you want to reach out...just let Katherine know... or we
can chat here.  Whatever is more comfortable for you. 

Tomorrow is Sunday...day of rest!!  😊😊😊😊 
 
Réponse de country pumpkin
17 oct. 2021, 23 h 17

Hi Mary09
Thank heaven for Sunday.  Today I actually left Mom for a short period to deliver a Birthday gift 
to her cousin.  Her cousin is a lovely lady, a little younger than my Mom but very close in relationship.  It was nice to have a break from the regular routine.  Mom sleeps more each day and doesn't leave the bed except to use the washroom.  Since I attended to all her needs before I left, I felt satisfied to go out.
 I do live with my Mom.  I used to live in Brampton but came back home to help her.  She lives in the country and lives comfortably in the house.  She had a chairlift installed 6 years ago that did help her with the stairs.  Since she doesn't leave her bedroom except to go to her heart doctor
I have things covered well.
  My brothers basically do their own thing.  They both are really in denial about how ill my Mom is.  They know the true but do not want to accept it, so they come around when it's convenient for them.  In some ways both Mom and I prefer it because then there is no drama or problems.
 I also have loss intouch with my friends in the pass.  Some of them I just outgrew and others meant to keep intouch but got busy with their own lives and moved on.  I once was married to a chef but my marriage only lasted 6 years.  He was a hard worker but not dedicated to his marriage.  He had romimng eyes!!  I wish I had kids but never got the chance.  I think I would have been a good mother.  I love children . I have a niece and a grand niece that I get a chance to spend time with.

  My father passed away almost  14 years now, some times it feels like yesterday and other days
it's longer.  Dad was a hared working man, he really didn't talk much to us kids but I knew I could count on him and he loved me.  He wasn't closed to his own parents except for his father before he died.   

   I'm still painting the cupboards and woodwork in the Kitchen.  Mom has a very large Kitchen, approximately 14 cupboards and 10 drawers.  Her colours are Wedgewood Blue and White.
 Before I paint anything I have to apply painters tape so I do not paint over the 2 colours.  It is a very challenging job but it's coming along and the new fresh coat of paint does wonders to the room. 
  You have your handsful just being a mother, wife and caregiver.  You are allowed to feel overwhelmed, tired, frustrated, etc.  There are so many hours in the day and you can only do so much.  This summer just seemed to fly by so fast.  I worked on my Dad's gardens and grew tomatoes and green peppers this year.  Prices of food are too expensive so I decided to grow my own vegetales.  Mom loves her Strawberry Rhubarb compote so I bought 3 flats of strawberries and prepared themfor winter .  We use to have a swimming pool behind the house but the liner was starting to go, and no one was swimming much anymore, so Dad filled the pool in and made a beautiful rock garden.  Since he had put so much work and sweat into it I keep it weeded and tidy.  I grow my own Rhubarb, wash, clean and freeze it for when needed.
  There are 2 large Birch trees on Mom's property, one at the front of the house and the other at the back.  I usually wait until most of there leaves fall before raking up the leaves.  We own a leaf blower but since my concussion from work I can no longer use it because the vibration from it affects my head.
  Tommorow I will get my snowtires put on my car at 8 am.  Mom will be sleeping peacefully so I can slip out quietly and get them done and be back at the house without her missing me.  I have to pick and choose the time to do my errands.
  I hope your husband is understanding of your circumstances involving your mother.  People can say they understand and empathize with you but unless they've experience something similar they really do not know the anguish and emotional roller coaster you go through.  My momhad her father move in and live with her and dad the last 4 years of his life.  Dad would sometime recent Grandpa living with them even though he wasn't a burden to them.  I also moved back in after my divorce for 4 years.  Mom would never leave the house unless someone was with Grandpa, she felt obligated to him and wanted him safe and secure.  My Grandfather passed away at the age of 93.  He was a sweet, gentle soul and had a pretty  fulfilled life.  I'm very much like my mother, you look after your own family no matter what.  My mom has been good to me, strick but good, I will do anything in my power to make her safe, secure, loved and comfortable.  I believe you were raised the same way, you are very loving and dedicated to your family, husband and children.  You should feel very proud of what you have accomplish because looking after your Mom and Dad is a very honourable task.  Hope you are enjoying your Sunday.  keep smiling and remember, you have a friend to lean on.  Cheryl 
 
Réponse de Mary09
20 oct. 2021, 0 h 09

Hi Cheryl,
Sorry it took me a little while to get back to you.  Having a hectic couple of days.
I loved reading about your moms house.  The way you describe it I can almost visualize it...is it a farmhouse?  It sounds lovely and like it would be a wonderful place to grow up.  
I wonder if your brothers don't admit how unwell your mom is so that they don't have to feel they need to be involved in her care so much.  It sounds like you do a wonderful job caring for her Cheryl...she is lucky to have you.  And also it's great you get out of the house sometimes...like your visit with her cousin...I'm sure that did you a lot of good.
Does your mom eat well?  My mom is bedridden and now with the chemo she is so nauseous she cannot eat.  I try all the suggestions... smoothies...Ensure.... rice.  I feel like she must be starving and it's such a helpless feeling.  She has lost a bunch of weight.  And if I press her too much to eat she gets upset with me.  It's such a battle and it's exhausting and worrisome. 
My parents live a few houses away so I am over there all the time.  To the extent I am not present for my own family for which I am consumed with guilt. I feel like I have missed some of the best times of my kids growing up and sometimes I get resentful.  Don't get me wrong I love my parents and I will continue to do what I do but it has come at a heavy price.  I know my husband just tolerates a lot of things and it has put a wedge in our relationship.  My mood is always so low and I know that it affects my family.  My mom was always depressed when I was growing up and it took a big toll on me.  Not so much because she was depressed but because she would lash out and make me feel responsible for her happiness...or sadness.  I don't lash out at my kids ever... but I know I am not mentally there for them the way I want to be.  
Anyways I hope you have been making progress in the kitchen!!  😊. I look forward to hearing from you again when you have a minute...no rush I know how busy you are!
Sending you hugs....
Mary
 
Réponse de Mary09
20 oct. 2021, 0 h 13

Oops I meant to sign off as Mary... thats my username online.... 
 
20 oct. 2021, 0 h 29

Changed it Mary;) 
Katheirne  
 
Réponse de Mary09
20 oct. 2021, 2 h 25

Thank you Katherine. 😊. Hope all is well. 


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