VHcath, reading your post brings me back to memories of grieving my mother. She died of terminal breast cancer in September 2006.

Like your mother, mine was the main female influence in our immediate and very large extended family. She was the oldest female in a family of 13 siblings. She was like a mother to many of her youngest sisters and brothers. They took her loss harder than that of their actual mother because my mom was the one who cared for them, taught them how to cook etc. 

I took her loss very hard as we were very close. At times my grief over her loss was palpable, the missing your mom with every breath is a very apt description. After she died I took a month off work. By the time I was back at work I was full into the anger stage of grieving remained there for a good 8 months.  I was angry at everything and everyone.

The first time I felt happiness for the first time since my Mom had died

was in June 2007 after my sister’s first baby was born. For a long time her loss felt like a dull ache in my heart. I think it was around the third year anniversary of her death, that I’d made peace with it. I still miss her terribly (especially during the holidays) but the grief eventually faded away.

I don’t think there is a set way or timeline for grieving, everyone does it differently. I feel there is no right or wrong way. VHCath, if I have any advice to offer you is that it’s going to take time for you to heal. You could feel numb for some time.

Something a friend told me gave me great comfort after my mom’s death and still does. She said “You know those we love, when they die, the love and memories we shared doesn’t die, they live on in our hearts”. That’s how I like to think about my Mom, alive and well in my heart. I eventually stopped fixating on her sickness, how she struggled and her death in favour of the good memories, remembering how she lived not how she died.

Hope this helps…