Hi DEE46
I so can relate to your situation I honestly can - the love we have for our children is what makes us do what needs to be done - you want to be the role model for them about LIFE and in the process of doing so we do what we FEEL needs to be done as well we are natural care givers we automatically resort to helping another for it is inside of us. We want to show our kids how people should really be when it comes to crunch time, our love for them shines on through in many aspects, if it were NOT for them would you still be there at this time? I've questioned that myself if not for our son would I - honestly - probably not. :eave him be is what I would say., give medicine / food / water etc., but other than that leave him be!!! Tell him why - you are much to angry at me to do oterwise., I will feed you / take care of you but I will NOT be your angry post., I will not and I do not have to be that for you. So you want to be angry go ahead but I will only do what I have to and do not want to listen to you rages at me. I think that is totally ok - nothing wrong with that at all. ONLY A SUGGESTION - I feel how you do too but I can't help myself I LOVE myself enough to not allow that anger thrown at me all the time & say to him I am not HERE TO BE YOUR whipping boy - you know. I'm here to help period
My son's dad who is my ex, we haven't been together for 15 years had cancer @ end of 2013 beg. of 2014 & I was the all go to., I did what I had to do at that time but it took it's toll., I was the decision maker, the power of attorney in all aspects, his executor/trustee/beneficiary which I had to prove myself time and time again because I was in for all intense and purposes his ex not wife but ex., So I carried around the will pretty much all the time., because he was in a comatose state and could not speak for 4 months so ya I did it all. I paid for my suite for 4 months wehn I only seen it twice for 15 mins each time. I was NOT mad or angry at the time nor afterwards but now I am more resentful or angry due to the last time if that makes sense?
Unfortunately for him he got cancer again, NO it did not return but another form which has nothing to do with the other., I am once again doing this again. I am a little more bitter & agitated this time around. Why because I am living here in his house (Jun 15) and he kind of resents it but knows he needs it, so I've given up my place and want to / need to because I do not want our son dealing with his father on his own & we both know how he can be - a stubborn scotsman. We know him best and can handle him not alot of other would be able to do so. He is beyond stubborn - I call it stupid frigin stubborn lol. He is mad / angry / bitter and fed up and he takes his anger out on me why because he can - someone told him to go easy on me and he said I just have to bitch and well she's there and she shouldn't take it personal, I just have to get it out., so I told him you need to deal with crap and don't take it out on me it's not my fault you have cancer - I'm here to help you and if you want to slam me (bite the hand that feeds you - you better think again) when I'm only here to help you better get a wake up kit cuz I can only take so much - so watch it., that helped for a bit. he still a grumpy bear and I think you can be that way all you want but that is NOT who I am - I'm not angry person so., you can be that way but I am choosing not to be that way., I just leave him be - I don't talk to him nor get in his way., I leave him be works bette that way for now. Give medicine/water food if he eats it - well then there is some talking to be had but better leave him alone in his own misery.
He likes his place the way it is and I can't do this and that etc. etc., no plants cuz of the cats., they have two and I hate the cat hair on everything., don't move this - don't do that - like holy crap it's still taking time to adjust even though he does not cook nor clean anymore doesn't mean he does NOT stand behind myself and my son - barking orders even if I tell him look I may not do it like you but that does NOT mean it is frigin wrong so back off, he stands and watches our son cut grass and tells him what to do and how to do it - so embarrasing for our son but for him too because the neighbors have even commented on it. He has lost control of his life as he knows it so this is his way of having some form of semblance to his life? does not make it easier nor does it make life simple but more difficult because he has been one cranky bear. Every day only worse., so I barely talk to him he doesn't want to talk nor be talked to he says but just barks and swears up a storm - he makes it so much more difficult to be around., I am a very spiritual person and I'm feeling very frustrated and just want to scream at hims stop it stop the crankiness stop bitchin stop it stop it stop it. I will tell him off if he gets on my case I don't have a problem with that whatsoever but htat is why we work., I don't have a problem saying what I want to say when I want to say it. But I do want to tell him to just stop being so crass and bitter/angry and fed up as he calls it.
You know you hear about the cancer patients who don't change but are so sweet and dear and if anything they give their best to all concerned because they appreciate life more they grasp on to all they can and enjoy every moment due to the illness. IS THIS JUST A MYTH - IS THERE ACTUAL PEOPLE OUT THERE LIKE THAT - I question this one - I do.
I know he's resentful of his life and it sucks and it is hard on his body - its the second time around for him but does he honestly have to be so frigin miserable., damn depressing is what it is. Sorry I went off there - but I feel that doesn't mean I will say those things to him I do NOT allowed to be bitched at for no reason mind you. I tell him so.
Prior to this cancer ever since we split in 99 we have gotten together to show our son how people can still get along and we use to have one day per month a family day., we had dinner, movie etc., just for our son., we stayed "friends" lack of a better word because we LOVE our son., he means to world to both of us. You know Wayne (son's dad) said to me a few years back if it was not for our son I probably would not even be talking to you (that hurt). I do know if the roles were reversed it would not be the same - oh ya he'd put some effort in but he would definitely not be doing what I'd be doing - for sure. He wouldn't drive me every frigin day to cancer clinic., lots of things so many things, I've thought of - but does that stop me - NO it does not because I am NOT him., I am a different person., I am who I am., I do alot due to our son., for his father has NO family here & only a couple of friends. So., do I do it because of guilt or remorse cuz of no family - NO I do it for my son first and foremost and then becaise I am a natural nurturer and I am compassionate person. I have NO reason to do other than my son., I thought of that - would I do this if my son were working out of town? Yes I'd check in but NOT move in., I would not do as much as I do for sure. I am being honest with me.
So you do what you have to do - your reason for doing so? Something you have to come to terms with on your own, you do NOT have to answer to anyone else though if they ask none of their business. You for you due to the love of your kids. We are natural nurturers!!!
I can relate to being angry/resentful etc., I do NOT stay in that state but feel it and let go of it and then move on. You will drive yourself crazy if you stay there all the time have some form of release., yoga., running., etc., meditate I do - cuz it helps me., music., movies etc., not that I've watched a movie in awhile mind you but you know any way to escape for awhile - helps.
We will talk soon - hope it gets better - hugs