Dear Pudding:
I'm sorry that your Mom's health is doing poorly. Her suffering is affecting not only her life but yours and the others in your family. Illness is such an exhausting experience. There's no easy way around it, when one we love is seriously ill it changes the feel and the fabric of the lives of everyone involved. Love is a glorious emotion, but when someone we care about so dearly falls ill, the thorny side of love pierces our hearts. It is your love for you mother and your fear of the future that may be causing you to feel so conflicted and uncertain. Your sense of urgency may be because you see how life can change so suddenly and you feel compelled to live more fully your own life. I feel for you, Pudding. You are so young to be placed in such a tough place right now.
I think it's great that you are reaching out here with us and I see that Colleen, Plum1 and GWTBB have given you valuable advice and support!
For me, when my late mother was ill I had choices to make. It was never for me a single decision or a black-and-white, either-or kind of choice about caring for my Mom. Her condition and her needs changed quite often and I learned through the experience to be flexible, and to be patient and compassionate with her, and with myself.
There were indeed times when I felt totally exhausted and discouraged by the demands placed upon me, not so much by my mother, but by the reality of the situation that neither of us could deny or escape. It was not her fault, nor was it mine. Life just handed us the situation and we had to cope as best we could. My Mom had a mental illness all of my life and she later developed other illnesses and dementia in the last five years of her life. She died on December 5th, 2010.
Seeing your mother failing physically and/or mentally over a prolonged period of time is heartbreaking. Not knowing how long it will all last is also very challenging because sometimes you just need to see an end to the suffering in sight. Sometimes you may wish, as I often did, that there was someone else that could take over for a while. Your brother and your Dad are helping some which is great because you can encourage one another to share in caring for your Mom. I understand how you worry that your own life and future is being consumed by your Mom’s situation. Don’t panic. You will find a way to adapt and to cope.
In my Mom's case, there was not many people in our extended family available to help me help her, and she was exceedingly private so she didn't want others around her when she was at her most vulnerable. Sometimes I felt completely controlled by my mother's needs. Sometimes I indeed resented the heavy load I was left to carry and often alone.
Over time, I realized though that I did have a choice in what I could and could not do and that was a profound realization for me. It freed me to feel and act as my heart and my conscience directed. With practice, I struggled less over time with guilty and negative feelings. Simply knowing that I was choosing to care for my Mom out of love for her made me able to care for her better and with less emotionally sensitive and destructive baggage to tote around. Sometimes dwelling on and anticipating what we must do is a bigger burden than just doing it, I have found.
Feeling I did have some choice in how much time and energy I could devote to my Mom's care actually helped to dissolve my feelings of frustration and resentment. Dark feelings have the power to crush your spirit and rob your energy reserves just when you need all the spirit and energy you can muster . . . and hope . . . you need to always hang on to hope for a better day ahead!
I realized caring for my Mom as best as I could was enough. I was not going to abandon her but neither could I sacrifice my whole life for her and I know she would not have wanted or expected me to. I had to be true, not only to my Mom, but to myself. I had to define my boundaries as I was respecting hers and as the situation evolved. I had to find a way to adapt that allowed me to be the daughter I saw myself as being, the daughter she loved and needed, the daughter she deserved. Even thinking about all of this made me feel selfish, but it was necessary for the benefit of us both! My Mom’s situation meant that I had to redefine my priorities, name the things I knew I could do, and accept that some of my dreams would be postponed. I know without any doubt that if I were in need she would have been there for me, just as she had been many times in my life.
Reality dictates that life does require of us sometimes to change our lives for a time so that those we love will have help. Today, I have few regrets. Had I chosen to do less, it may have been fine in the end, but I needed to do all I could at the time in order to feel I did what was right for my Mom. Her needs did take precedence over mine for some time, but I don't honestly know how much longer I could have kept going had she lived for many more years. I was very tired. I would have had to re-evaluate how much I could do at some point down the rocky road. Some people and their loved ones have such a long journey to travel carrying illness with them and it must feel very unfair.
Pudding, the only thing I can suggest for you from my experience in caring for my Mom, is to be as true to yourself as possible and decide what you can and cannot honestly handle, and then do what you can. Allow yourself the freedom to be satisfied with whatever it is you decide you can do out of love for your Mom. Nothing more is expected of you. Do your best and then you and your Mom cannot lose.
I have seen many people in my life who are much better than I am at attaining a healthy balance in their relationships. They know their limits and stay within them. It can be done. I learned over a lifetime to forgive myself for not being perfect and to accept that I am human. That seems such an easy lesson to learn, but for some of us it is the hardest to live by. My mother was by far my best teacher in life and I have her to thank for showing me how to reconcile that we are each a little bit sinner and saint. We are all doing the best that we can. That’s all we need do.
I hope you will feel warmly embraced here among us at Virtual Hospice. We are with you.
With affection -hugs- xo
Cath