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Reply by NatR

25 Oct 2020, 8:19 PM

Dear SadSandy

yoor note says so much. You are dealing with so many facets of grief and change. You mentioned your Dad and how your experience is different from his. I think we all have our own way of dealing with loss, I'm sure he's feeling the same as you, a fish out of water, how to act, how to function - just keep checking in / he will appreciate it, and he will be caring about you too... it's a new situation for you all.

your mom has touched you all and you are all going to miss her. Loss is hard, and it's inevitable- but I'm confident you will be ok. So glad you are getting someone to talk to - hope the counselling eases your worries. We all need someone to vent to, to hear us.
sending you encouragement and hugs

be kind to yourself and remember the love ❤️
without it our world would be pretty empty
NatR

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Reply by AMT

31 Dec 2020, 5:01 AM

Hi SadSandy,

I have been thinking of you lately, remembering that this is the first Christmas since your mom passed away. I know this can be a significant and painful first for many people and I just want you to know that I have had you in my thoughts.

Warmly,
AMT

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Reply by SadSandy

31 Dec 2020, 3:44 PM

Merry Christmas and happy new year to all
of you lovely people on this forum.
Thanks for your note AMT. It actually was a rough lead up to Christmas ...
looking through moms decorations (everything smells like her) and putting them up in my home was bittersweet. Tears came flooding the minute I opened the first box
of her Christmas decorations... what struck the hardest was the careful
way she had packed them up last year thinking she would be here to enjoy them this year. That was a hard realization. We all do this. Put things away at the end of a season in full
hope that we will be around next time. Well last year was our last as a whole family but no one knew that. Important reminders to enjoy our time together because we never really know.

i threw myself into baking and decorating and tapped into all that made me happy and made me feel close to mom. It helped.

The week before Christmas I got down. It was like it was go time and I couldn't believe we were really going to try and do this without our team leader, mom.

With covid the extra stress of traveling to family made matters worse but we took our chances and hit the road to travel to my sisters. Dad made it out too so we were together, finally, and the sheer joy that we made it and were all together made the energy so positive and bright. We stayed tapped into the good stuff and sang songs and really had a good time. It was genuine.

My grief counselor had suggested I focus on the living and the ones that are present because it would be natural to float between memories and the present moment.
She said it was a sure thing that mom was with us at Christmas and that she would be happy to see us together and having fun but that she would be sad if she saw us sad. So she said to take a moment away from the others to acknowledge mom
and speak with her if I needed to. The thing is with the energy of the kids and the bustle
of Christmas I felt her in my heart and didn't need to excuse myself for a moment alone.
I felt so happy and grateful I was with my little family.

it was our last, first Christmas without mom and we would have made her proud in our togetherness.
We toasted her and we felt her most when it started to snow at supper time! That was a magical
moment I won't forget!

I hope everyone had a safe and happy holidays and 2020
christmas won't have mattered what you received, it will matter who you were with. Well I was with the ones I love and that is the best gift of all! What I wouldn't trade or do to have one more supper with mom, one more coffee one more
smile!
But I am grateful for the 40 years she was my mom.

happy new year all and may 2021 bring light and love and health.
take care and be patient and kind to yourself as well as others.
SadSandy

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Reply by AMT

11 Jan 2021, 3:42 PM

Good morning SadSandy,

What a reflective and gentle post. Thank you for the time you took to share your Christmas experience. I so connect with the treasure of decorations. When I was helping to clean out my grandma's house I was able to take all of her wrapping paper and bows. She loved beautifully set tables and beautifully wrapped presents. Naturally Christmas was her time to shine. She passed away just over twenty years ago and I still smile when I think of her eyes sparkling looking at presents under the tree.

As someone who believes that our loved ones watch over us after their body has died I imagine your mom watching the care you and your family took in this first Christmas without her with love. I also really appreicate the advice of your grief counsellor to acknowledge the sadness and missing feelings that might arise and to have your own private visit with your mom if and when you needed.

Your reminder around treasuring moments of togetherness not things is one I never tire of hearing. I've read your post several times and the feeling that comes through each time is a combination of wisdom and compassion.

Very warmly,
AMT

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Reply by Joni 76

22 Apr 2021, 12:27 PM

Hi Sadsandy,

I have just joined and have been reading your posts and really relating to you and how you are feeling about the loss of you mom.

I to lost my mom Oct 2,2020 to cancer after a year long battle. I quit my job and moved in with her as she never wanted to go into the hospital. It's been a little over 6 months now and I seem to feel worse instead of better. It's like the numbness has now wore off and I'm left with this raw emotion that I'm not sure wht to do with. I am also finding that some of the terrible images are etched in my head of her sickness and bad days she had and just her all round decline.I want to be back to thinking of all she was before the stupid cancer and all those memories, but hy seem impossible to recource at this point.

You are right about being the daughter and watching your rock, the strongest lady you know wither away. It has certainly changed me. I find that the old me passed away with her and I am suddenly this new person that I no longer know.

I just wanted to drop a line and let you know you are not alone in what you're feeling, and to thank you for writing so that I know I am not alone in what I am feeling as well.

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Reply by SadSandy

22 Apr 2021, 7:56 PM

Hi there Joni 76!

I am sorry for your loss and all that you lived through the year your mom was sick. How wonderful of you to take care of her to the very end. Yes it's a hard thing to see death, because the trauma is forever with you and unpleasant images are etched in your mind forever. I am curious about
your grief and process. Did you take time for this? Were you paired with a grief counselor? I imagine it's totally normal to feel worse now months later especially if like
you say the numbness wore off. just as much as if someone was on antidepressants and then months later stop taking them things would inevitably resurface. I think this is an opportunity to heal. To really get in touch with what was "numbed" and process. I can only share from experience...
tomorrow will mark my moms 7th month anniverawry of her passing and I can tell you it has been a process and I can't believe I am here on the other side. To me the other side of grief is where there's peace and acceptance... where I talk to my mom whenever I want by placing my hand over my heart (cause that's where she resides now and where I feel her the most) and I am thankful to be able to speak about my experience with tenderness, but no tears and no quivering bottom lip :-) I had five sessions with my counselor between late October and end of February and she helped me tremendously! It's not to late to look into that you can see what's available in your area its absolutely worth it! I got so much out of these sessions.... love understanding guidance and the most important thing for me was being told I was normal! I questioned my mental health around Christmas and her reassurance allowed me to let go. To see my process as my own. To make the best of it. I was fortunate to be allowed to take time off work. Grieving became my new job!i worked hard at it. I cried so much. I journaled I sang songs I cooked I wore my moms clothes and perfume when I felt like it and I never held back. I talked about her if that's how I was feeling and I thought a lot about her.

one pers thing that helped me tremendously was to go to the end of my thoughts when they would appear and not question why I was thinking of her little face at the hospital all
confused and searching our faces and not knowing who we were (she had had a stroke) and this face, this little scared confused face that was my mom and only represents a miniscual fraction of her existence was the face I came back to the most. So i would let the thought come and bring me to the end. Perhaps I thought of more hospital stuff (that was the biggest part of our trauma after all having lived there for 6 days and watching her die) and I would let myself go where it needed to. I didn't squash it down or force myself away from it.... I processed it. Well then wventuall what happened was when the thought of her little face came I would
only being it to 75% of the full
thiught and then less and less as time went on to where im at now when I see that little face I say "oh mummy!"
i slightly tear up and I hold her in my heart and it's over. Nothing hurts like the beginning... and if you were numb in the beginning then this is perhaps the beginning of
your process. Be kind to yoursel.
you were a wonderful child, taking care of your mom until the end. You deserve praise and thanks! You deserve to take the time .

i wish you so much luck and energy on your healing journey. you definitely aren't alone. Take care and keep us posted and ask away if we can help!
for those of you who have read my story I am truly happy to report I am doing well and fully back to work in the nursery with my little babies! I told my grief counselor and my doctor if I could give myself a
grade for my grief it would be a big 'ol A +
i am proud of the work I did and the tears I shed beacaud I held nothing back. The saying keeping in tears of grief can make us sick. it's important to release the hearts valve! Thank you to all who posted and took news along the way!
Big virtual hugs,
Sandy
whos no longer sad ;-)

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Reply by Joni 76

23 Apr 2021, 12:41 PM

HI Sandy,

Your words and your experinces you've shared are very inspiring! Hearing your story and how closely it relates to mine, really gives me hope that i will get to the other side!

I am seeking out different support groups and lots of self help books and taking pieces from any and everything I hear or read that I think might help me with healing. I did try the councilling and found it to be more trouble in the sence that he was telling me things like "its going to get way worse in the thrid month" those things I didn't need to hear then as I was living day t day and sometimes minute to minute. It may have been to soon for me at that time and I may try again with another councillor.

I will definitly take your advise though, on seeing the bad thoughts through to the end. One thing that i tried to do immediatly is post pictures around my house of her long before the sickness, the good and happy memories. To try to get those memories back quicker. I think it helps me somewhat. I smile at her as I walk by and I think of the day the photo was taken and what a great day and memory that is.

I appreicate you sharing what worked for you and I will continue to try some of the other things you mentioned. I am hoping that one day I will no longer be SAD Joni as well.

Thank you for your kind words and hope for myself for the future.

Joni

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Reply by Katherine N (Katherine@virtualhospice.ca)

23 Apr 2021, 3:38 PM

Hello everyone,
Sandy I really appreciate your update. I find words don't always 'say it' - but I was grateful for the help you had found and the way you have helped yourself. Thanks so much for sharing here.

And Joni I thought you might find this link - to mygrief.ca - helpful. There are several modules you can look at here, but I thought 'moving through grief' might be most helpful. If you check it out, please let me know what you think.

Someone told me some years ago that 'grief does not move in a straight line'. And I have found that to be so true. Sandy gives wise suggestions.

Warmly,
Katherine

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Reply by SadSandy

23 Apr 2021, 7:18 PM

Hello again!
i just wanted to say (and I almost posted again yesterday right after my initial post) to say that although I am not sad on the day to day I am still overwhelmed by moments here and there. I agree one thousand percent with what Katherine said... grief is not linear and it can come in waves! That being said I still give myself a passing grade because I am on the other side in that my grief is no longer consuming me and my every thought.

This grief counselor seems insensitive in having said that to you! that it would be way harder in the third month! What an odd thing to say... for two reasons 1)
you may have found the opposite to be true and 2) you don't tell a grieving person that it's gonna get harder! There has to be hope! I do agree that it is surprising how ones journey diffwrs from another and the timeline can be different as well. For me the first few weeks were hard but it hit me in a very different way in weeks five to seven. A permanent understanding set in that I'll never have my mom back and with that came a wave of intense sadness. I believe eveey experience is unique but how nice when we can relate to one another. Jodi, if you are born in 76 well I'm borj in 79 so we are close in age and So having lost our moms so young (yes 41 is insanely young to lose a mom) then those feelings of being an orphane are relatable! my mother in law who lost her mom at 102 and who herself was 68 often says there is no age to lose a parent and although I agree I was hurt that I couldn't explain that my situation felt worse that I lost my mom too young that my mom was too young. 102 is a very long life! And that means my mother in law had her mom for 28 years more then me! So no! Not comparable! I always thought I would be closer to my mom in my later years and I took it for granted that she was with us! If only I knew then.....
differences aside people will always give advice and you take what works for you and leave the rest! I was so frustrated with people in the beginning who would reassure me she was in my heart! Well I wanted my mother alive not in my heart! And I found I pushed away the people that were quick to give band aid solutions or quotes from Facebook etc I found the people who just said "I can't imagine, I don't know what to say I'm here whatever YOU need" were the ones I gravitated towards. I understand not everyone knows what to say and some people are actually quite uncomfortable with sickness and death. So you surround yourself with what works for you what makes you feel understood and loved! Again, you deserve so much for all the care you provided! You get the "best kid award" and you need to tap into that!
i love that you put happy pics around of your mom. That's so wonderful and helps to remember the good. But be patient with your mind and thoughts they need to go where they need to! (I only advise squashing away bad thoughts when you are driving to be safe and tell yourself you'll get back to this when you are in a safe place.) :-)
Speaking Of pics, we did a family photo shoot five days before my mom had a stroke and went into hospital,and she had had 3 rounds of radiation and wasn't looking so good but theres this one picture where she's smiling and it's on my fridge among Many other pics of friends and family and it always seems to catch me... this little look she has in her eyes and it makes me feel sad and happy beacause she was going to pass in a weeks time but it's like she's saying it's going to be ok. I feel all that when that pic that I swore I would take down because she isn't at her best... but there's a message for me when I see it! So it's stayed!

also I wanted to say that looking into the afterlife also provided me some comfort. Surviving Death on Netflix was interesting... gets into mediums and reincarnation which I was ok with buy the beginning was most important for me and provided some reassurance that mom is ok where she is! She's loved and at peace! My counselor also talked about this and often said we ahould leave the dead with the dead and not beg them to come to us ... that we could make gentle wishes to see them in a dream! And once that started happening (took about 4 months for my first dream) I felt happy that I could see her again in this way! Again! Everything you do is normal for your process. It's individual but doesn't mean you're alone!

i wish You so much peace Jodi!
hang in there!
Sandy

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Reply by AMT

09 May 2021, 3:24 PM

Hi Sandy and Joni 76, Nouce and Natr,

Some of us are experiencing our first Mother's Day without our mothers and others have experienced many more. I just wanted to reach out, make a connection with you all and let you know I'm keeping some extra space in my heart today for everyone who is missing their mother. I'm thinking of you all.
Warmly,
AMT

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