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Just lost my mom 
Started by SadSandy
13 Oct 2020, 3:20 AM

Hi all

i just lost my mom two weeks ago. We found out she had lung cancer in early august that had spread to her brain. We had six weeks with her from the time she was diagnosed to the last week we spent (I say we because my sister and I never left her side) in hospital where she was no longer responsive. She was on a post operation Wing of the hospital so we heard lots of disturbing screams and throwing up and tried to drown out the chaos with quiet zen music on our phones. We never left my moms side. I feel I am dealing with grief And trauma as the hospital was a real nightmare. My mom was pretty much left to die... the first night in ER they told us she had a few hours to a few days to live. She held on for six after having suffered a stroke. There was so much
going on in her brain. Also she had done 5 rounds of almost the full brain of radiation. I am 40 and have never known loss. Losing a mom is like losing a limb. It's a part of me. She's a part of me. And I'm not prepared to let her go. Still feel and am hoping it's all a nightmare and I wake up and have my mom again! I havw never know sadness like this ever.
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Reply by NatR
13 Oct 2020, 2:51 PM

Dear SadSandy,

I am so very sad to read about the loss you have just experienced, and the trauma that was included - it's awful - no way should anyone have to experience end of life in such a setting.

my heart goes out to you, you and your sister.  You did all you could.  You did it with love, you protected, you soothed, you showed love to your mom.  

she may not have responded but somewhere deep inside I'm convinced she knows that you did your best in being there, in surrounding her with love and protecting her from the outside world.

im a senior, a retired psw and I wasn't able to be with my  own mom  when she passed away in Alberta ( I live in Ontario) so I know how badly I felt to not be in attendance to hold her hand, stroke her cheek, speak to her ..... so I just want to reassure you that your presence meant the world / to you both, to your mom

you honoured her, you gave her respect and care.  Give yourself some care now / and heal, a slow heal - as a parents loss is never really gone ....

I'm rambling in my reply to you but I hope you get the meaning - that I'm trying to convey. you did good Girls! You did good!

i hope this helps you and your sister to feel supported .. life and loss go hand In hand - it's not easy and it's not the same circumstances for everyone 
I am going to sign off hoping that in a small way I have supported you and your sister in your loss  and your grief 
feel free to keep writing to this message board - we are all just people like you- going through what life gives us - and sometimes it's tough stuff to get through.  
I just know that sharing and support helps a lot, certainly better than going it alone

I'm sending you girls ( daughters) a virtual hug today
feel supported
feel your mom near you
remember her
she knows you did your best
sending you much hugs and thoughts today
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Reply by SadSandy
13 Oct 2020, 3:20 PM

Hello NatR!
What a lovely post!
i needed to hear that you have no idea what it means to me!
i am in the process of getting a grief counselor (I live in the laurentians Of QC and as an anglophone who is completely bilingual I also find it hard to have to speak in French) my
emotional Language is English and my heart has suff so much and I need to express myself! I am sorry for your loss and can't imagaine not having been there with your mom! I have found covid was especually hard yet the hospital made exceptions for us all along the way. We slept with our mom for six nights and never left her side. They even let us shower and would bring us water and semi comfy chairs to sleep in. I just can't believe she's gone ... she went from being healthy and present (our regular loving mom) to gone in six weeks...(five because the last week she was unresponsive and not eating or drinking) I just can't believe how fast the rug was pulled out from under us. 
i do try and take some comfort in knowing she was never alone we never could have abandoned her not even for a second... and I am right when I say I saw a lot of older people who were totally alone and my heart broke for them) but we felt we didn't get to say goodbye in a sense because she was unresponsive... it's something to watch someone die. To watch your mom,
your guide, your pillar of strength, your friend your EVERYTHING, slowly whittle away. Not know her two daughters. Looking at us with big doe eyes that looked scared and uncertai. This is my trauma. Processing all that I have seen.
i have lived a sheltered and extremely happy 40 years... never went without never lost a loved one. I often took This for Granted , took my time with my mom for granted.
I don't have much guilt, but I have some.
i don't have many regrets but I have some.
its hard not to I guess?
I know I'm my heart my sister and I did all that we could. But being in a hospital situation and not a palliative one, we were çaregivers too (helping to change her diaper,
buzzing for more pain medication) we werent allowed to be grieving daughters until now. And it just all happened sooooo fast. With us one minute and gone The next. Full circle of life... my mom watched us take our first breath and we watched her take her last. But what I wouldn't give or do to have her back. I feel so young to be without her. And as a woman who has no children of her own (circumstances,  age and also I am a nursery educator caring for five babies) I feel
younger then I am! And the idea of naviga life's trials and tribulations without her seems so cruel! I don't like when people say she's in my heart and I can talk to her whenever I want! I am not there yet... I want to legit pick up the phone and speak with her. I want to hold her!
its a rainy day in QC and I hope I will get through the most part with a smile because my heart is heavy like the day.
take care all and for anyone reading this if your mom is alive tell Her now how much you love her and thank her for all she has done. Don't put off spending time... soak it all in cause one day she won't be there and you will so painfully miss her!
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Reply by SadSandy
13 Oct 2020, 3:28 PM

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Reply by SadSandy
13 Oct 2020, 3:30 PM

Oooops sorry my bad... was trying to show what covid looks like... holding my moms hand 🖐
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Reply by NatR
13 Oct 2020, 3:33 PM

Thank you 
your message meant a lot to me yoo
 that's what it's all about
support and caring
be good to yourself
allow yourself to cry grieve aNd scream it out 
 now it's time to hug yourself, your sister, heal and comfort yourself 
it's part of you - your lived experience - things we go through teach us whether we want the lesson or not 
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Reply by Nouce
14 Oct 2020, 1:40 PM

Dear SadSandy,


Such quick and traumatic loss takes a terrible toll. I can tell how much you loved your mother and that your being with her was profound up to her death. And certainly she knw that.


The grief journey is long and winding. It only goes one day at a time. Allow yourself to feel what you feel, say waht comes to your mind, and take as many naps as you can.


I hope you will get to a place where your memories become gifts as well as sources of pain.


My mom died 7 years ago. I miss her when I am housecleaing, but I feel her when I see a female cardinal flitting about in the trees. And I say, "Hello, Mother!"


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Reply by SadSandy
14 Oct 2020, 8:15 PM

Thank you Nouce!
We both deeply loved our mom and she was the most fairest mom in the world. Never making one daughter feel loved more then the other and just genuinely being proud of her two daughters. So again, it was no question that we not be there. And everyone at the hospital knew we werent leaving her side.

Today marks three weeks since her passing and I just can't believe where I am three weeks later. I feel I have processed a little more but that I just can't wrap my head around how this all happened so quickly! Like a movie, it can happen to someone else, but not me!
like when my friends found out my mom was sick they were Like "I can't imagaine..." and I was like "yes you can! Imagaine you were losing your mom! That's simple. Really picture it. Makes  you want to call her and tell her you love her doesn't it!?" Well I'm sure some moms out there got some extra love and attention that day :-) and so be it!  I know full well what it's like when you head "someone else's" bad news. It's not happening To you so you are like "oh that's so sad" but then life
goes on and you don't really think twice about it till you sit down at
supper and speak with your family and your like "oh so and so told me this sad news today" and then once again life moves on. I get it. Until it happens to you you have no idea. But when it does your whole world stops. Your whole world comes crashing down. Its
Your moment and no one else's ...
i have to say also you really see who's there for you. So easy to say I'm here if you need anything.... but real friends will surprise you and really be there for whatever you need! I have to say I was bothered by this and I know some people don't know how to be around you when you are grieving or sad but just being there listening lending a shoulder to cry on and offering a meal go a really long way! 
i am missing my mom today (found a spaghetti sauce she made for me and it brought me to tears) and I am enjoying the sun and warmth of a nice fall
day! I wish I could feel my mom more... like a red cardinal being just for you must be so nice and special.
i will know it when I see it I guess! Perhaps I'm not there yet even though I ask my mom to come to me in dreams so I can ask questions and make sure we did everything we could for her ... and that she wasn't upset in any way we asked for more
pain meds to help her transition to the after world! I just want to know she's ok.

thanks for your ears 👂🏻 and take care 💛🧡🍁 
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Reply by AMT
25 Oct 2020, 2:22 PM

Good Morning SadSandy,

I just want to send a quick check-in note to see how you are doing. It has been almost two weeks since your last post. The part of your reflection that has stuck with me was sharing the grief and missing in the simple act of coming across a jar of homemade spaghetti sauce and enjoying the warmth of a beautiful fall day. Grief (for me) often manages to find a way to not derail a day (although that definitely happened for me) but to include itself in moments so I'm reminded that missing has becomes interwoven in my life story.

I wonder if you connected with your grief counsellor and if you found the two of you are a good fit? Feel free to post and share on the forum if you are still waiting for a match up. I find that the pandemic is making everything take just a little bit longer. 

Sending you warm thoughts,

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Reply by SadSandy
25 Oct 2020, 2:42 PM

Hello AMT!
Thanks for checking in. It has now been officially one month since my mom's passing and I have found moments where I catch myself being so serene so happy and this makes me tear up.  Is it because I feel slight guilt for finding moments of happiness when I am still so shaken by what's just transpired or is it because being happy is like an old friend I haven't seen in a while. A foreign feeling that used to be my normal.
I take things in stride and welcome my happy moments. Actually a
wish my mom made (her last wish) at our family wishing tree was for her two daughters to be happy. And we reassu mom that we really are happy. Life has been good to us. On a side note when I went to the wishing tree a couple of weeks ago I had been so sad that morning and had cried so much at the cottage with all its memories of mom when I sat under the tree I decided to listen. To be still and just see what I could feel and hear. I heard "you've been sad for much of the day, now go and try and be happy for a moment." I think About that often, mom wants us to be happy. She said it to us and wished for it. I know I feel like I'm supposed to be grieving il off of work to grieve and that maybe somehow I'm not honoring her properly if I'm not sad all the time. But I know now it's important to be happy and that it honors mom even more as it was literally her dying wish.

I have my first appointment with a grief counselor at the end of the week and am
hopeful in getting tools to help me along.

seeing my dad is actually my biggest challenge right now. I don't want to be in moms house still... the idea of going through her things is very hard for me. I think this is a sore spot with my sister who goes all the time to the house and who is helping my dad organize.
im not capa yet. I spend time with my dad on the phone and if he comes to the cottage. I know I have to try as he needs me too ....

one thing at a time and my dad puts no pressure on me so that helps. He seems to be getting along just fine. Maybe a little too fine for my liking so that's maybe what's hard on me. I'm still
so sad and he seems above his pain.
seeing my dad without my mom is heart breaking. It's the new normal but it's still fresh so there's still a lot of hurting on my end.
i stI'll journal almost every night and find that writing to my mom
keeps Me close to her. I can share all good and bad with her but... I miss her so much.
its not easy. Grief is not easy.
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