Hello, my dear. 

Not knowing your first name, I will use "dear" – all people are dear. 

I am the father of two grown daughters.  I can't imagine our family’s reaction being faced with what you are going through.

I am sorry that this is happening to you and I am reaching out to you just as I would want someone to reach out to my daughters. This must be very upsetting to you. 

My sister-in-law just got diagnosed with cancer and I was terribly upset in the beginning.  She is very upbeat and hopeful so she has helped me and my wife use hope as our primary coping mechanism.

Until you find out more in a month, hope is something that can “get you through”.

I have found that in helping people (over the last 12 years), that the need to talk through one’s feelings is important for many people.  It can be very therapeutic.  In doing so, we can find a measure of peace by releasing our emotions. 

Counselling is not an option for many people because of the cost.  Our local hospice offers counselling at no cost.  You might want to check out this or a similar option where you live.  I am not a professional counsellor.  I am a volunteer.  Getting help from a professional therapist one-on-one is very beneficial for many people.

In addition to that, you have come to a good place here at Canadian Virtual Hospice.  You can (anonymously) post your feelings here as often and for as long as you like.  There will always be a compassionate “listener” here to reply to you.

As far as how to cope with what you are going through, different things work for different people.  There is no “one size fits all” method of coping.  The moderator here, Katherine can suggest some good resource material that you can check out for ideas.

Getting back to “hope” and “positivity” to help you cope, let me share this with you.  When we hear that scary word, cancer, we can’t help but let our minds wander to a “bad place”

However, there are millions and millions of people who have survived cancer.  We don’t hear about or talk about this as often as we should.

50% of my “immediate family” are cancer survivors.  In the late ’90s, my wife had a lump removed from her breast.

In the year 2001, my youngest daughter was diagnosed with cancer of the saliva gland – an extremely aggressive cancer.  She underwent surgery and radiation and to this day is cancer free.

So there, my dear, I hope this story boosts your spirits a bit.

So, tell us your story.  You will be answered with judgement-free compassion.

In the meantime, I send you thoughts of peace and love.

Ekim

"Although people worry they will say the wrong thing and upset the person, there really are no special words for talking to people who are seriously ill. There is nothing wrong with talking about your day, a movie you’ve seen, or even the apples that are on sale at the corner store. If you restrict yourself to subjects that seem important enough to mention, you may never say anything at all.

Think about what you would have talked about together before the person was diagnosed with illness and start from there. If that doesn’t help, try starting out with "I’m really sorry you have to go through this." Likely, feelings of discomfort about what to say will fade as you spend more time with the person.

In an effort to protect the person who is ill, people may hesitate to talk about the seriousness of the illness. Although shielding the person from sadness or worry may seem like a good idea, avoiding the topic of the illness may make the person feel isolated and lonely. If the person is raising fears about the future, acknowledge those fears and encourage discussion. Instead of changing the subject or telling someone not to worry, you might say "Tell me more about that,"  to open up discussion.

Family's sometimes protect each other from their worries, trying not to add to each other’s burden. Instead of burdening each other, they may find that through open discussion, they are able to support each other.

If family members are arguing or strongly disagreeing with each other about an issue, you might consider holding these discussions out of reach of the person’s hearing, since they may add unnecessary stress to the person’s life.

However, if your family has always held intense discussions when you get together, changing your normal pattern may leave the person feeling left out or more isolated. A good thing to do is check with the person. You might say something like "We’re talking about some pretty intense feelings. We don’t want to burden you with this, but at the same time, we don’t want to exclude you if you want to participate." Deciding when to include the person who is ill is a bit of a balancing act because difficult discussions may require a lot of the person’s energy."

Know you are not alone,
Katherine