Hi everyone:

I have been thinking a lot about dying lately. I wonder what most helps those of you who may be facing your own mortality or watching as a loved one prepares for their death?

Can you tell others in your life what you need - what you really need most that would help you cope and make a difference? Do you need support? Understanding? Empathy? Space? Talk? Quiet? Tears? Hugs? Sleep? Music? Do you need a mixture of all these and more as life and its challenges in your circumstance change day to day? Can you trust that your family and friends know what to do and say to help you? If not, what can you do to help others help you?

When my Mom was dying many people offered to help me and my children yet very few articulated what that help might look like. I was unable to think about what may have been helpful in the moment as I was feeling so emotional and unable to think let alone make a decision. On the best of days in the best of situations I never find it easy to accept help. That is a serious flaw and one I am trying to correct!:-) I do recall a cousin when leaving the hospital after visiting my Mom tell me she was leaving then because she knew how precious was our time with my Mom and she knew we needed more alone time with her and wanted to give us our privacy. How considerate. Her Dad had died a year before and she was giving to my Mom and me and my family what she felt she had needed when he was dying and did not have the strength to ask for.

While at the hospital as my Mom lay dying, my eldest brother suddenly asked to borrow my car as he came here from out of town and didn't have wheels. He wanted to drive to another city to pick up my other brother who had gone home the day before. An aunt who lives in the same town as my second brother had planned to bring my other brother back to the hospital that afternoon. My eldest brother's request completely overwhelmed me and I became upset but determined to hide my feelings.

Normally, I would hand over my car keys to someone I know and trust without a second thought, but in that moment I panicked and could not say yes or no. The pressure on me to make a simple decision was immense and I felt helpless and unable to express why.

I was thinking if my brother took my car he could get into an accident and such an event would obviously be horrible for him of course and it would distract me from my Mom and I could not handle any more worries. My car for me also represents freedom and mobility and if I had needed to use it to pick up something for my Mom I'd have been stuck. But what I really wished is that my brother would want to stay with my Mom and with me every instant as I did not want her to feel alone even for one second and she and I both needed his support and his presence. I was not thinking rationally and even worse, I could not state my real need. Had I given him my car he would have been gone for hours. In the end, an aunt and uncle intervened and made the decision for us and my brother decided to stick around, yet I still felt upset and overwhelmed as I then felt guilty as well for not being more accommodating of his needs. Perhaps he needed an escape and some space just as much as my Mom and I needed him to remain close by. Our needs are not always compatible with those of others!:-)

I could not articulate why I felt as I did directly to my brother whom I had not seen in many years. I was not strong enough to be sensitive to him because I was not able to be logical and detached or big-hearted and generous in that moment. Later, very late in the evening the day after my Mom died, (and my eldest brother was present when our Mom died - my other brother chose not to be there to witness her death because he was afraid he could not handle it) we had a very good heart-to-heart talk and openly expressed to one another our true feelings about many things that had been unspoken during that painful and stressful time before my Mom died, and many other things that had not been discussed between us for years. We cried together and helped one another see where the other was coming from. East met west under the same starry sky. It was a wonderful healing experience and a memory I will always cherish. I understand my own needs better today and I understand both of my brothers better as well.

It has never been easy for me to state my needs and even harder to ask for help to have them fulfilled. Looking back I wish I had been able to say to my brother what my heart was feeling and trust him to understand and not judge me. I'm certain he wished for the same from me.

Do you have a story to share about your needs and how others factor into them getting met? Can we and others in your life help, and if so, how can you help us help you?

With affection -hugs- xo
Cath1