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Réponse de KathCull_admin
03 févr. 2016, 18 h 04

Dear MBEM
Reading about your visit to your hunny's grave reminded me of a story I recently (true) about a woman who found visiting her husband's grave very comforting as she would lie on top of it, stroking the grass as though it was his hair - very comforting for her. I am glad you are finding the ability to learn to live without him.

MBEM, I may have asked before but would you be interested in a support group for the bereaved? I am not sure where you live but if you click on Programs and Services you can see links to what different provinces offer. I know some places offer in person groups or telephone support. They can often anticipate what you might need.

Please let me know what you think.
Katherine 
 
Réponse de Myblueeyedman
15 févr. 2016, 15 h 07

Hi Katherine and all,
I do attend counselling at hospice in my local area. It helps a lot, i would recommend speaking with someone.
Yesterday was valentine's day, it was easier this year. I still missed my hunny and i bought us some pretty flowers as my valentine's day gift to us both. For me, bringing him into holidays is my way to honor our love. The love we had and still have has not disappeared. He may not be here to say I love you back, but i know in my heart it is what he would have said. 
I read a comment about alone and loneliness, and i undertood. The loneliness supsides but it does not go away, or it has not for me. I miss him dearly.  For me, i think when alone and loneliness were at its worst was when they were holding hands. I was alone with out him and felt it deeply in the beginning and i got used to him not being by my side. Alone became what i am. Loneliness is what i feel because i miss him and all that we did together.
 I think of him everyday, and i miss him everyday. And everyday i still wish i had him with me, and in that wish i wish he was healthy. Though if i could turn back time, i would still have him in my life and go through evrything again. Its his love for me that keeps me going forward, even though my love for him wants to be with him.
Even though, getting up annd moving forward is hard. I do it.

Sending love and hugs your way,
Mbem
 
 
Réponse de NatR
15 févr. 2016, 15 h 30

Hello Mbem,

i read your your note on how you honour your lost love on Valentine's Day:) how sweet that is to buy flowers - remember the closeness and the love you shared
nothing will ever take that away from you

i know it doesn't really help but I think of that quote
"it's better to have loved and lost - than never to have loved at all"

how one many people will never know the value of Love, relationships and that bond that goes beyond time and space.

now that I am in my 60s and a bit smarter than I was as a teenager -  I Do agree with the quote above.
what an empty life we all would lead - if we never felt love
it is true that many people will never feel the depth of love you talk about - but love on any level is better than no love at all👍🏻💕

in in my relationships in life - I have come to understand that love is vital to living - we are better for it - and the loss when we lose that love is a testament  to how valuable it was - 
it msjes you a better person to love and be loved:)

thats my personal thought and I hope it helps a bit

recently a friend who lost her husband and was totally devastated- has been able to come out of that grieving period and I am glad to see her living life again 

we all recover and deal with life and it's blows in different ways - but I encourage you to take each day as it comes - and know that you are a good person - and somehow life goes on and becomes a bit easier 
that's my wish for you today
be comforts that you are not alone 
from far away I send you my thoughts 

thanks for reading this 
hugs 
NatR 

ps has anyone heard from Xenia lately?
i don't think I have seen her post in awhile 
Xenia if you read this / you are on my mind 
💕☃👍🏻🌷
  
 
Réponse de Xenia
18 févr. 2016, 18 h 56

Dear Mbem and All:

Back on line and reading the past postings and my heart goes out to you.  

I understand your missing your husband as I miss my husband who passed away one year ago.  As you I miss him daily, sometimes just wanting to say something I have read in the newspaper or heard on the radio.  I start: John, I just...and then I stop, John is not here to listen to my voice and what I want him to hear.

Valentines day was always a fun time for us, John purchased a lovely Valentine Card years ago and would present it to me every year.  This gave us a laugh and looking back we can see when this started.  Just as you special holidays are hard to take and I try to take each day one day at at time as it can be very overwhelming. 

Yesterday at dinner, I now live in an Independent livin g complex and we often speak about husbands passing, is this our new home etc.  Many expressed that they still miss their beloved husbands even after 5-7 or more years.  They shared a life time with them in their former home and then moved as their homes were too big for them and they could no longer care for them.  It took them a number of years to make and think of this as their home.  

I made the move some months after my husband passed as I could no longer care for my home and I did not drive.  I sold the condo, took one last look at where we shared our home for many years, looked out the patio doors where John sat and watched the birds on the green space or trees, watched the fish and cranes in the Koi pond, watched the seasons change and with a heavy heart and tears I closed the door on the condo and knew I had to go on with the memories and remember the good times and get on with my life as hard as it could be.  Slowly I am learning, it is not easy but I have John's memory and his love close to my heart and so I keep on going, missing him each day but getting stronger with the help of my family, my new friends at my new home and my higher power.

I will keep you in my thoughts as I wrote on Who advocates for me, being lonely is so different from being alone.  These words I heard from my mother who had lost my father and she too grieved the loss and would tell me that one does not really know what is like to be alone until it happens.  She taught me much and gave me her strength of wisdom that I have used since my husband died and I am alone with his memories which keep me going daily. 

Fond regards to all and hugs across the virtual miles.

Xenia 
 
Réponse de Stardust
08 août 2016, 18 h 55

I realize many months have gone by since these posts appeared but I am now searching for support having lost my husband to lung cancer in April. The illness was a difficult time for our family as my husband struggled to come to terms with the hand he was dealt. He was only 57 when he was diagnosed and 1 year into a retirement he worked his whole life for. So there was a lot of anger and resentment on his part as we journeyed through treatment and the side affects. And yet when he died almost two years later the sadness and loss is overwhelming. For my daughter it is just as hard as she tries to reconcile her feelings for a Dad that could be difficult. So I get up everyday and put one foot in front of the other and carry on. Everyday I tell myself time will heal the sadness and life will again hold happiness and joy. Family support is thin but thank goodness for my daughter and friends. Thanks for listening.
 
Réponse de KathCull_admin
08 août 2016, 19 h 45

Welcome Stardust
Although it may have been some time since members posted to this thread - they will still get an email to let them know you have posted and I am sure will come along to welcome you and let you know they understand.

What a hard time for you and your daughter. It sounds like there may be things that can no longer be said and things said that are hard.

The words by Fred Nelson in
All in This Together: Coping With Advanced Illness and Dying as a Family might be helpful - especially the last two paragraphs. And another by Glen Horst Guilt, Regret, Forgiveness, Reconciliation.  I suggest these not in an offer to 'fix' but to let you know others understand.

Please know this is a safe place to talk and the members here are listeners extrodinaire.

Does your daughter have friends or healthcare professionals she can look to for support?

Sending you warm hugs Stardust,
Katherine
 
Réponse de Stardust
08 août 2016, 21 h 03

Thank you for the reading suggestions.  My daughter does have access to counselling through Cancer Care but has not made the time and effort to go. She is not as interested in group support as I am.
 
Réponse de Myblueeyedman
10 août 2016, 4 h 26

Welcome stardust,

I lost my husband in January 12, 2015, I've missed him everyday since. I think about him every day. I am very sorry for your loss. 
Grieving a loving husband, is not the easiest thing in the world. But you will manage and learn to live without him. It will not be easy. Give yourself permission to feeling the loss and cry when and where you need to. Don't let anyone tell you how to grieve, do what feels right for you. In my journey that I am on, to keep my mind busy, I took up crocheting. crocheting gave me the opportunity to take breaks in my saddness. When I stopped, I remembered him and I allowed myself to cry. There are days when I still cry, I miss him so much.

 I also tried group counsellin, but it wasn't for me. I've been very lucky that hospice in my area offers one on one counselling. I would suggest trying it out if your in an area that has the services. Your daughter may enjoy one on one counselling. It gives you the freedom to talk about your husband without any judgment from others. Free to express the love that you miss and the ability to bring that love with you every day.

it does get easier, but for me it has not gone. I expect it will never go away. I talk to him every day, I wish him good morning everyday, I tell him I love him and I say good night to him every night.

yout loss is recent, be kind to yourself and grieve the way you need to; do it for yourself. 
People say take down pictures of him, I say put as many pictures up as you want. It's a nice feeling to see that smiling face. It was something I did and it helped me. i still get up every morning and do......I go to work, even though I don't want to.....but, it's what has helped me. Get up and jsut do it, eventually it will get easier.
 And i visit him as much as I can, I take him beautiful flowers or small treasues that I find on trips I do. Just my way of sharing the trip with him.

when I get those big waves of grief, I tell myself "your ok, you just miss him" it's exactly what im feeling. Most times this is when I allow myself to cry.


I'm sending you hugs and some love your way ❤️,
mbem  
 
Réponse de NatR
10 août 2016, 15 h 06

Hello Stardust,

glad you posted to the  forum as it is here for you whenever you need it.  Your membership doesn't expire
you will need support off and on as you go through life - being a survivor is harder than most people think

i have lost two parents a brother and good friends
sometimes I can go for a long time without missing them or thin about them - but then some days the grief creeps up and wraps around me and I need a good cry or some time spent thinking about what used to be

you have good advice from Katherine and   Myblueeyedman
we all feel for you, understand the pain and loss and especially feel for your daughter 
relationships aren't smooth sometimes and after a loved one is gone we can always have plenty of time to think over what we wish we said or did 

regardless - life goes on and we are dragged along with it - trying to do our best
i hope it helps to know you aren't alone.
sending you and your daughter many virtual thoughts and a big hug
 Be good to yourself - you are among friends who do care - sight unseen 
best wishes
NatR 🙅🌹
 
 
 
Réponse de CleaningFrenzy
29 août 2016, 19 h 22

Hi Stardust:  I know what you are going through ,I lost my husband  May 2015. He was only 59 we were married 38 years.  I find the weedends long even though my kids (young adults) try to check on me. I found going to a grief support group helpful even though it was to soon ! I did read alot of books , (really not alot out there) I cant stop crying"  I wasnt ready to say goodbye," Widow To widow" . I think this site is so helpful just being able to vent! Sorry my thoughts are all over the place., maybe it is comforting knowing others each are dealing with a loss. I think our friends forget that you can"t pick when you are really struggling with grief. Sometimes this happens late at night or middle of day.I hope you will continue to visit this site  and find comfort in others in same situation.   Hugs Cleaningfrenzy


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