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Réponse de eKIM
28 mai 2013, 21 h 07

Hi Loll

If you believe in the power of love (thank you Heuy Lewis also Celine Dion for stealing those words  LOL), then you will understand that you can receive "love" from a perfect stranger.  I send you thoughts of loving-kindness.  Love, peace, joy and comfort be with you now and for ever.  Please keep us updated with your journey.  We at Virtual Hospice are here for you.  - eKim 
 
Réponse de FloridaSunset
04 juin 2013, 1 h 43

Hello Again to all my Virtual Friends - - I have read all of your words of comfort over and over again and each time it eases my guilt a little more with  each reading.  It has been 3 weeks since my husband left me,  I talk to him every day, anyone looking at me in the yard must think I've gone off the deep end already!  I was fine one morning then I saw his favorite fishing bucket in the garage and lost it for the rest of the day.  I love music, but the songs we loved to listen to together now seem to make me even sadder.

  I watched a couple of the videos on this website, with Thomas Attig.  It was like have a one on one support session.  I am going to check out more of them.

My Next Challenge - I will be flying back to where we were originally from for a Celebration of Life.  I am not sure how I am going to handle seeing all of our married friends and relatives. I was alone with my husband when he passed here at home, handled the cremation arrangements on my own and asked to be present when he was cremated.  My family honored my request so this is the first time I will see or talk to any of them since his passing.  It has worked for me since I am strongest when I am alone - but how do I keep from breaking down.  It is supposed to be a Celebration - I keep telling myself we're going to talk about all the fun times and great memories but how do I keep it together? Think I'll wear dark sunglasses all day to hide my eyes!   
  
 
Réponse de Tian
04 juin 2013, 2 h 23

Dear FloridaSunset

Your behavior since your husband died seems perfectly natural to me and I fail to see why you should be worried about keeping it together when you go back home.  Are you not allowed to mourn for your husband? I hope the celebration of life brings back fond memories but that can coexist with tears. What purpose would suppressing your grief serve? Is the onus on you to be strong to keep your husband's family and friends from breaking down? Ideally you should all support each other. But since it was you who shared your husband's life and cared for him when he passed away, I think you should be receiving more support than you provide. Let what happens happen.

Tian 
 
Réponse de Tian
29 août 2013, 18 h 46

Dear FloridaSunset

How are you? Is has now been almost three months since we last heard from you. How was the Celebration of Life? Hopefully we haven't heard from you because you have been receiving sufficient support for the great loss of your beloved husband and are coping better than you had anticipated. Whether that is the case or not please know that you are welcome here. We are here for you always.

Tian
 
 
Réponse de Bizzy
17 oct. 2013, 8 h 47

Florida Sunset,

You're story has been on my mind from the moment I read it.  I have not wanted to say anything unless I had something truly of value to say. I don't want to bring to you guesses or philosophy or sympathetic blah blah blah that don't hit the target. I've looked at this from many angles checking and measuring to see what, if any thing, fits.  On Tuesday Oct 15th my boyfriend died and then I understood what happened for you.
If I'm not mistaken it sounds to me that your partner went through his dying process with a minimum of mediicatiion support since he was relatively lucid throughout until the end.  The end is the significant part that I address. Perhaps he had something for pain but that's all.
What I observed in my experience was that my partner was on fentanyl for pain and on hydromorphone injections for breathing and anxiety issues.  Plus he was given midazolam once or twice for anxiety. The dying process is not easy process especially and I emphasize especailly.  It provokes incredible anxiety without the assistance of some kind of sedative. Who,  really is so well balanced that they can face death without having some kind of reaction to it,  really? I mean honestly that's got to be a very trippy experience. That is probably the ultimate experience to be had. Who in there right mind would argue that fact?
My partner responded well to hydromorphone and as a result remained calm and relaxed. When the hydromorphone wore off suddenly he was panicky and wide eyed and grasping for my hand.  It was frightening amd destabilizing. 
You see, the body fights to stay alive.  Its a natural and understandable response.  However, I think his spirit left before that and it was the body that was acting in the instinctual surivival mode. I would even venture to say it was the autonomic system doing what it is supposed to do...trying to survive when our mind isn't functioning anymore. Its simply the physical body fighting as hard as it can to stay alive.  He, on the other hand, his spirit/soul/mind whatever you call it was above and beyond and he no longer had the ability to control the will of the body. The body needed support in terms of relaxants and antiaxiety medications to help it along as well.
It is still quite messy as far as helping the body to have a gentle transition.  The medical system is on the right track as far as allowing the body to have relaxants and calming medications.  Very smart.
I don't think  you had hydropmorphone or midazolam to help the body.  My message to you is that what you experienced was his body in an autonomic and natural survival response and NOT his mind or will in fright or distress.  I think he left before that.  This is my seond time around in witnessing this phenomenon.  I dearly hope this is the expalnation that will comfort you and bring you a realistic and legitimate point of view.
 
12 févr. 2014, 2 h 27

Hi FloridaSunset,

How are you?

Simple question to ask. Perhaps less straight forward to answer. I hope you'll pop in and let us know how you are doing?

Colleen 
 
Réponse de FloridaSunset
12 févr. 2014, 17 h 01

Hugs to all who have lost someone, and know that I cry with you as I read your journey through the worst of times and somehow I don't feel so alone.

Colleen - Thanks for checking on me – I am on the Virtual Website often, a silent member.  I have seen that others who have lost a husband also seem as lost and angry as I am.  It has been 8 months since cancer took my husband and my best friend - - way too soon.  I have seen myself speaking in the words of others.  It is so hard to see all the things we had prepared for our retirement, new camping gear, fishing equipment, maps of places we were to travel to when we retired, and now as they sit in the garage they are a daily reminder of what should have been.  I don’t feel sad for myself, but I know how hard my husband worked to be able to enjoy his retirement, how he looked forward to it one day, and how angry I am that he was denied that opportunity.  


I have given up on my religious beliefs, and sadly wish it could be proven there is no afterlife, because for me it would make going forward easier -  I could give away all physical items I am keeping from the little boy I lost to cancer so many years ago, and now my husband, without feeling guilty.  It would be easier if I knew that they were not watching and feeling sad that they can’t be here.  It would explain why I talk to them all the time and never feel they are still here with me.   No sounds, no scents, no unexplained events.  So…each day I go forward waiting for an answer, but beginning to believe I will never get one.  I know memories are in my  heart, and not the physical items, but am so afraid of dishonoring their memory by parting with them.  Maybe someday.

 
 
13 févr. 2014, 1 h 53

Hi FloridaSunset,

I can't imagine losing both a child and partner and contending with the guilt feelings that twist you every day. I'm not giving advice, but would like to share a little story about my Mom. When my Dad died, my Mom was able to give his winter coats, sweaters and other outdoor gear almost immediately. She couldn't bear to have these perfectly good clothes in the closet when the winter was so cold and there are so many people without good clothing out there. She's not ready to do more right now, but thinking of others in need help her make one important step. Helping others helps her and she knows my Dad would've wanted the same thing. 

Could perhaps parting with some things, inspired by the need of others, lighten your load? 

I'm so glad that you took the time to write today. I had a feeling that you were still listening in once and while. When you see a conversation on another thread, please feel free to jump in. You will be most welcome. 

PPP just returned today too. Why don't you join her, NatR, Mark99 and Marstin on this thread:

Going from WE TO ME........

Colleen
 
Réponse de Carlyn
27 juil. 2015, 19 h 08

Reading this in July 2015...

I love what Bizzy shared. I love what everyone shared but I think Bizzy has some valid things worth addressing with doctors and nurses if they have a loved one in palliative care especially if they're at home.  

Since I've gone from having my entire life focused on being ready and to handle end of life for sister and parents and pets to being on the other side of all of them gone now, I was interested in the We to Me thread. Thanks for that Colleen! But the link didn't work for me ( my computer or browser issue maybe) so I had to dig a bit to find it. Wow it's at 13 pages!! Here is direct link I found in case it's not working for anyone else

http://www.virtualhospice.ca/en_US/Main+Site+Navigation/Home/Support/Support/Discussion+Forums/I+am+living+with+loss+and+grief/2012_06_26_14_01_04_Going+from+WE+TO+ME________.aspx


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