Dear FloridaSunset
My VH name is Ekim. I have been a “resident support” and “spiritual care” volunteer at or local hospice for several years now and have observed scores of people coping with the experience of dying.
First of all, my sincere condolences for your loss. Secondly, your story has touched me deeply to my soul. Somehow, it resonates with me even though I have not shared your experience. I am not a trained professional of any kind. I am a simple person offering compassion. Everything that I say here is anecdotal, not scientific, so please discount it readily, if you choose to.
Although I could share dozens of stories to show the variety of responses in the final moments, I will instead layout a simplistic observation. I hope that it brings you comfort.
I have seen three broad categories of people experiencing their final moments: I will define them as follows:
- The Expediters In my experience and observation, these people make up only a tiny percentage of the total. These people have decided that “now is the time” and they are ready to pass over to the other side. I recently sat with a lady who was a holocaust survivor. She had indicated that she was ready to “go”. I knew this to be true because she refused to open her mouth when I tried to feed her some oatmeal and she blew bubbles through the straw into the water as I tried to give her something to drink.
- The Accepters In my experience and observation, these people make up the vast majority of the total. They don’t necessarily want to “go”, however they accept the inevitable with grace and in the most part have a very peaceful death.
- The Fighters In my experience and observation, these people make up only a tiny percentage of the total. They fall into two categories, a) those that want to suck every second out of the time that they have on earth and b) those that genuinely fear death, fear the unknown. I apologize in advance for my presumptiveness, but I am guessing that your husband fell into the later category.
I have observed people dying in fear and this is my non-professional opinion: This fear can be so powerful (in combination with the effects of the drugs in the system that it can overwhelm one’s ability to think straight.
I would like to think that this was the case with your husband. I can only wonder (but my loving side would like to presume) that his reaction in his final moments was totally independent of your comments, even your presence. My presumption is based entirely on intuition and the hope to bring you some measure of comfort.
When your husband arrived at our next plane of existence, the place of Love, Peace, Joy and Comfort, I believe that his fears vanished. Then he was fully, consciously and willingly able to hear your gentle words as you lay beside him. He was not able to communicate with you at that moment to apologize for his reaction and to comfort you, but that is what he would have wanted to do. In your quiet moments, sit back and open yourself to the communication of spirits. You won’t hear anything with our limited human auditory system, however I believe that in the deepest, most sacred part of yourself you will be aware of this two way communication and you will find your answer, you will find your peace.
I must tell you that I am not a churchgoer and I am not proselytizing. I do consider myself to be a very spiritual person, however.
God, as I re-read this I realize how simplistic it all sounds. A true “intellectual secularist” would rip me to shreds. However, what I say, I believe and also my motivation is pure. I simply want you to find peace, joy, love and comfort, little FloridaSunsetGirl.
- ekim