Hi Tracie,
Thanks for writing. It has been a really rough weekend. My head is pounding and my stomach is in knots. I am sure many who read this have been there. Dad has really gone downhill over the last week. He has an appointment with the Oncologist tomorrow (monday) morning, so hopefully things will happen after that. We have kind of been in a holding pattern over since friday. The community care nurse dropped in un-announced today to check on Dad, and was quite shocked at how much he had changed since she saw him about 10 days ago. He is hardly eating or drinking now, and has developed a pressure sore on his left hip. He is dehydrated, and his blood pressure is quite low. He is also now in a lot of pain. We all think he should at least go into respite care to get him stabilized, but he won't go. So hopefully if the Doctor suggests it tomorrow, he will listen to a "professional" and go. He won't listen to the nurses or any of us. He is so stubborn, sometimes I just want to smack him (Not really physically, but you know what I mean). He is an incredibly frustrating man. I sometimes have no idea how my Mom has stood by him for over 50 years! Strong woman, for sure.
Anyway..... Yes, I am really starting to have trouble keeping it all together. My Dad's nature is to be stubborn and not take advice or suggestion. He was also an active alcoholic until his stroke and cancer diagnosis made him quit. He is the type of man who "keeps his cards close", and has never been very emotional or communicative. Completely opposite from my Mom. He has always been very concerned about what people will see, or what people will think. But having said that, he has been 10x worse since his pain has increased over the last week. It has been a battle getting him to take his pain meds because he doesn't even want to take an aspirin. He has never really got the concept that you take the meds BEFORE the pain gets unbearable. He thinks you only take pain meds when you feel pain. In fact, about a year and a half or so ago, before he got on his current pain meds, I couldn't even be near him he was so horrible to be around. That really screws with your head... a family member dying but being so miserable you don't want to spend time with him.
In some ways I am glad that I am living in the basement of my parents house, as it does give me some space. But I am also feeling like I have to look after my Mom as well, and keep an eye on my sister and nephew too. Plus work full time (afternoon shift), and look after my diabetic cat who gets insulin 2x a day. Aaaargh! Mom is able to get out to her horse every day and ride, and have a social outlet at the barn with her friends. I have made sure she knows what community supports are there for her should she need them, but she feels it is necessary to stick close to home because of Dad. My sister is not dealing with things very well at all. She comes to spend time with Dad, but then goes home and cries for hours. She is also notthe type to accept help, and like Dad, she drinks too much. I on the other hand don't drink at all. So far my nephew seems OK, but who knows what really goes on in the mind of a 15/16 year old boy? lol I try to be supportive.... but don't want to meddle too much.
As for me, I see therapist fairly regularly, but may ask to come in more frequently in light of recent events. I try to keep active as well, but with a bad back, that is often hard to do. I will becking in with my family Doctor tomorrow regarding my back, but I will update him on what is going on. I am also aware of resources through my Employee benefits, as well as the good old internet. So I think I am doing all the right things, and all the things I am going through are normal/common. But that doesn't always make it any easier. Sometimes I just want to scream, or cry, or both.
Thats about all I can manage for today. Will try to update you after the Dr visit.
Thanks again for responding... Nite