Dear Colleen,
I am also very much with you in your pain and frustration. I am convinced that one of the most difficult experiences we face as human beings is to watch helplessly as a loved one suffers. In our helplessness, we lash out at the disease, or at medicine which is not able to cure, or at God who does not seem to care, or....It all just does not seem fair. The many feelings you have are very understandable. At the same time, they can be very destructive to your own health and to your ability to be present to your brother.
I sense that, hidden in the feelings, is the great energy of love. I wonder what it would be like to acknowledge that energy, and then channel it into compassion, first for yourself in your pain, and then for your brother and his family. You clearly love your brother very ddeply. And he no doubt needs your love now more than ever. Might he be able to communicate in what concrete ways he could benefit from the care of others who love him? How are his wife and little girl doing? How might your love be expressed to them?
Although I have not had a loved one die of brain cancer, I had a very close friend enter into a very deep depression. She was in that state for about two years. In it, she was not able to communicate with me or others at all. I felt anger, and great sadness - for her who had just retired and had wonderful hopes and dreams for what she would like to do, and myself at losing someone who was precious to me. I used the energy of my feelings by writing letters of love to her very frequently, never knowing whether she could read them or absorb them. I also made a long trip to visit her where she was for a time. Our visit was probably one of the most difficult experieces of my life, but I kept letting her know how much I loved her no matter whether she healed or not. I affirmed her, caressed her, listened to her. The end of the story was eventually positive, but for so long there was no sign that she would recover. All I could do was love faithfully. The other feelings did not go away completely, but love permitted me to live with them in a more balanced and accepting way.
I wonder also whether this time ia a huge transition for your brother, and all of you who love him. He has been courageously battling the cancer. It now seems that he may be entering a palliative time in his life. Surrendering into this is not easy, is it? How are all of you facing the possibility of death?
I hold all of you in much love.