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Accepting my hubby’s death

Started by Kath56

16 May 2023, 6:47 PM

It is difficult to accept my hubby is gone. The last few years his health has not been the best, resulting in my being a spousal caregiver. My daily routines have totally changed. I can go out when I want, where I want without having to think about his needs. I hate that. I actually loath my new "freedom" some days. I feel so resentful when that fact gets mentioned. We were married 35 years, why would anyone think that I should like my freedom. I realise that it's meant to be supportive so I don't scream at the person, though tempted. I want my hubby back. I want my purpose back. I loved him, I liked him, I valued his opinions and support. His kindness, intellect and lack of judgemental attitude. No one can make up for loneliness of his being gone. I never would have married if I hadn't met him. This still feels like a nightmare that I want to wake up from at weird moments. I do have ok days, but they aren't as often as I would wish. How are other ladies coping? Wishing you all moments of peace, hugs.

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Reply by eKIM

17 May 2023, 3:51 PM

I am so sorry that you have to go through this, Kath. I have not lost a spouse, but I have lost 4 family members within the last 3 years. The most common reaction to the loss of a loved one is confusion and lack of direction. Have you considered getting help from a grief therapist? They can be very good at helping one to clarify one's thinking and find direction. - eKim

ps Dr. Alan Wolfelt's "Six Needs of Mourning" can be very helpful

https://www.centerforloss.com/grief/six-needs-mourning/

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Reply by Katherine N (Katherine@virtualhospice.ca)

29 May 2023, 9:18 PM

Hi Kath56,
My husband died almost 8 years ago. He too had several years of ill health before that. Like you, there was so much 'free time' after he died, but I did n't want it! The time we spent together was never a burden - and I too missed the time together. but mostly I missed him.

For me that missing has changed. There are times I still wish I could talk to him, get his advice, tell him a story or sing a silly song together. There are things - as I know you have found - that only the two of us would 'get'.

I have found too that as the saying goes, life goes on. I have found new activities, new friends and new interests. However, I am so grateful for old friends and memories and times when I can say his name (Henry) to people who knew him and cared about him.

How has the last week been?

Katherine

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Reply by Connie_W

17 Jun 2023, 9:53 PM

I have the same feelings as yours. My husband has passed away in May. I still could not believe the fact that he has gone, it was less than 3 months since he was diagnosed with cancer. I feel so lonely and empty. The feelings that no one is waiting for you at home is so awful. My husband was my soulmate for 30 years. I miss him so much. I guess no one could understand our feelings except they are in our shoes.

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Reply by eKIM

17 Jun 2023, 11:42 PM

Hi Connie

It's eKim. I just read your post.

In helping the bereaved, I have found that loneliness is one of the areas of grief that is not addressed as much as it should be.

In the loss of a spouse - in some ways - it is like one has two losses.

For instance, If "John" dies, "Mary" has lost John, of course, but she has also lost the entity, "John and Mary": as in, John and Mary are coming over to play cards, etc.

Do you have a good support system, Connie? Do you think that a grief therapist would be helpful? What would you say are other areas of grief and bereavement that you are struggling with?

I'm not being nosey, Connie. I have found that communicating with others about their grief goes a long way in easing one's stress; especially if it is someone with a compassionate heart and is a good listener.

That's what we are here for at Canadian Virtual Hospice - to support one another.

I have a family member who just had an operation this week for her stage 4 cancer. Speaking of her helps release my pain. I am fortunate that I have a good support system.

eKim

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