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Reply by marstin
30 Jan 2014, 7:23 AM

Hi Lori,

Happy belated Birthday.  How you felt about your cake is understandable. You probably just wanted something to be the same even if your mom wasn't there to give it to you. It's very hard to let go of the many things that were always a tradition.

Your loss is so new and the bond between a mother and daughter is so strong.  They are who we turn to when the rest of the world is falling apart. I understand how you feel like life is hard to keep living without her but you also know that she would want you to go on and raise that sweet little girl of yours. You are not a coward, you are grieving. It is okay to feel all of the emotions that come over you.

It sounds like your dad and brothers are dealing with things in a different way. Your brothers probably watch how your dad appears to be keeping it together and they follow his lead. They may cry when no one is looking but stay in control so as not to appear weak. Your fear about your dad makes perfect sense. Since my husband passed away, my daughters watch me so closely. They worry all of the time that something will happen to me and nag at me constantly to eat. It is love and a lot of fear that I will leave them too. Like I say, it all makes sense.

Do you have any close friends that are there for you? I don't know why people can't understand how overwhelming this all is but there are so many that just don't get it or are uncomfortable seeing someone in pain. So often I think that they don't realize that just letting you cry and talk brings a sense of comfort. You have to be able to let it out and shouldn't be expected hide it away. I think that is one of the great things about this site. We all understand and support each other in ways that many others who have never lost someone have trouble understanding. We are here for you and will listen to all of your fears and sorrows. You are never alone.

Hugs,
Tracie
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31 Jan 2014, 4:04 AM

Happy belated Birthday.  I am glad to hear from you.  I understand what you are going through and I more than understand your last paragraph.  My mother was told it was vertigo and then an ear infection for months.  Until one day on a scan it was a brain tumor and life and death to remove as much as possible.  I feel for you and you are not alone in what you are experiencing and feeling.  Tonight I am sitting here crying my eyes out as it's my Mom's birthday on Sunday and just last year I took her out and she had such a great time and she was happy and healthy.  I want all that back, I want my Mom.  Like you, my Mom was my world, my besty, my partner, my confidant.  There is not a single soul in my life who understand my loss.  My pain is deep and so is yours and thank goodness for our reasons for living, our children.  I am 40 years old with a 22 year old son and a husband who is away a lot.  I can't tell you how many times I have cried on the phone and he never even knew it.  Or how many nights I cried while he was beside me and he never knew.  I find my evenings to be the hardest.  I can't get my mind or memories to stop, I don't like being alone by myself as this is when I feel my worst.  I want to hear her voice, I want to talk to her, I want to smell her smell.  I hear you, you are not alone because I know your loss and I am going through the same thing.  You are not a coward, you are grieving and this a hard, painful time in your life. 

Thinking about you my friend, know that you are not alone
Hugs
Tricia 
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Reply by mzmojo
04 Feb 2014, 4:58 PM

Hi Tricia, thank you for the birthday wishes.  I read your letter and its like i am reading my own words and thoughts.  Its so crazy.  I too lay beside my boyfriend/common law husband at night crying and he has no idea.  We can be watching tv and i'm crying there and he doesn't know.  At least he doesn't let on that he knows...

its so heartbreaking and i really do not understand how people get through this.  i don't like when people tell me she is in a better place because they truly do not know.  did they go there on vacation??  and its not a better place when she didn't want to leave.  she and i were laying in her hospital bed when she first found out she was ill and we were crying.  she told me she didn't want to leave my beautiful baby.  she said how special she was and didn't want to go.  i told her to fight like hell. 

i just want her back more than anything in this world.  no body seems to understand than i am not ok.

hugs to you  too
Lori
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Reply by mzmojo
04 Feb 2014, 5:02 PM

Hi Tracie, thank you for the birthday wishes too.  It was a hard day but I got through it.  my dad and my brothers are holding it together but i have seen them at times when they aren't.  they are men and yes, show things differently.  i am very close to my brotherrs so that helps.

i do have a few very close friends.  one i have been friends with since i was 4. she too has lost her parents and knows how i am feeling.  still, i don't want to burden her.  i feel like the time has past where i can really call anyone and cry.  i don't want tthem to fear answering their phones when they see it is me.

i can't imagine going through what you have either.  i know how your daughters feel.  let them ask and call and nag lol  i know i drive my dad nuts but i don't think he quite understands why i am like this.

thank you again for your kind words and support too.

hugs and well wishes
Lori
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Reply by marstin
04 Feb 2014, 6:51 PM

Hi Lori,

All of the first's are difficult to get through. I must admit though that even the second year anniversaries can be pretty tough too.

Your loss is still so new and I would think that people with any amount of sensitivity would not cringe when they see you calling. One of the most supportive friends that I have has been someone that I grew up with and she calls weekly to check up on me. Funny thing is, we hadn't been in each others lives for many years as our lives transitioned into different directions, but now we are extremely close again. Your friend may just be waiting for you to be able to talk about your pain. Some people take their cues from you. I won't say that there are people who won't run the other way when they see your name on call display or if you are out somewhere that they are, but I will tell you that you find the jewels in your life when you are at your weakest. It is an enlightening time when you realize who can support you and who can't. Not to say that the people who can't are bad people, just that they don't have what you need right now. I have found that some are what I call 'toxic' and I steer clear of them because they make me feel worse when I talk to them and bring me a lot of anxiety. I have even found strangers who are more able to be sympathic to my losses than some of my family members. I am greatful to know the people who have brought me support along the way. We learn so much as we move forward.

Lol! I do let my daughters nag at me but there are moments when I just about blow up when they check to see how much food I have eaten. I know they mean well but I feel like a bug under a microscope. Still though, I know it's done out of love and I'm sure your dad knows it too. I watched over my mom when my dad passed away as she lost weight and didn't have the same interest in eating. I think that happens as you transition from being part of a couple to not have the other half of you there.

Hugs,
Tracie

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25 Feb 2014, 2:34 AM

Hello, it's me.  I have been thinking about you these past few days and wondering how you are doing. I haven't logged on much but something was nagging me to find out how things were going with you.  When you have time please let me know.

Tricia 
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02 Mar 2014, 2:40 PM

Hi Tricia,

Good to hear from you. I'm glad you followed your premonition and posted to Mzmojo. I, too, have been wondering.

Lori, How are you?
Tricia, how are you doing?

It has been slow on the forums this week and I've been wondering if it, in part, this darn, long, cold winter that we've been having is responsible. Is it looking any warmer where you are?

Colleen
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02 Mar 2014, 9:50 PM

Hello,  to be totally honest I have my moments.  Sometimes I read some people's posts and I was feeling overwhelmed for them and very sad so I took a bit of a break.  There are some people I worry about who I have been in contact with and I hope they are doing ok.  I have learned the world and life doens't stop if someone dies and it's how you choose to cope and deal is what can help you on a daily basis.  I choose to cry when I need to but only when I need to and I allow a few minutes of reflection to happen and then I think, Mom would not have wanted this for me, then I say out loud, I miss you Mom and get on with the day or task at hand.  I cope with putting Mom's belongings in a box for now and storing them away until such time comes when I feel I can handle seeing these items again.  I also remember what she would have wanted for me as she knew I was the strong one and the one who got things done and worked hard.  I go to work every day as work involves dealing with the sick and dying in our population and I try hard to make a difference in little things for people.  There is not a day that goes by that I don't think about Mom but my days are getting easier to get through as I know Mom`s memories are always with me and she would be proud.
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Reply by mzmojo
06 Mar 2014, 5:17 PM

Hi Everyone.  Sorry i haven't been online much.  I work shift work and have a 2 1/2 year old daughter.  Not  much time for computer time lol  I'm still just going along.  I honestly do not feel any better about the situation I am dealing with.  Losing my mom was the most painful thing I have ever experienced.  We were just so close and I truly miss our daily talks and visits.  She was my everything.  I'm not a baby but we talked about everything and i really really miss her.  I talk to my dad and its not the same.  I thought my one aunt would call me more often.  She is my mom's oldest sister.  They were very close and I guess a part of me was hoping that her and I would take over that relationship.  Don't get me wrong, her and I are also quite close but it seems like its me picking up the phone to make the calls.  She has called but I think that child part of me thought she would want to check in on me more knowing how much difficulty i am having.  I have had a couple of cry sessions with my boyfriend.  I was holding those in around him but he said its ok to cry.

I just really miss the fact that my mom always wanted to be a grandma and she only got to do that for 19 months.  I speak about her all the time to my daughter but reality has to tell me that she really won't remember her and I just can not deal with that.  My mom adored her so much and the one thing she said was she didn't want to leave her.

I just want her back so badly :'(

Lori
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Reply by NatR
06 Mar 2014, 5:31 PM

Dear Lori,

your feelings and your loss are echoed by other forum users.  It is a huge and devastating loss when you have a young child and I know you are grieving your own loss, and also feeling the loss for your child too.

i can only say that talking or typing it out helps, and I wonder if there are any groups of support in your area.  When you can share your feelings with others either online or face to face, it does help.

life deals us all very difficult blows, and it is sometimes necessary to find a small way to change our coping mechanisms.  I have lost several family members, and I can empathize with your sorrow. 

each of us is different, but we all have things in common, and starting to live again is what you need to do for your child.  I hope that you will be encouraged to keep sharing, and if needed speak to your medical support people about ways to help you cope.  Personally I feel  we all need compassion and love to get through the tough times - and loss of loved ones is the biggest.

sending you a virtual hug today...knowing that someone heard and cared.
sincerely,
NatR  
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