Hi Janzie
I will try to help you in an indirect way. Not having “walked in your shoes”, I really have nothing to offer specifically.
After volunteering in a residential hospice for more than 10 years, I have often come across people who did not want others to help them. There are many reasons of course:
© Male Patriarch Ego (which like most males, I am cursed with – lol)
o “I have always viewed myself as the Provider/Protector.” I don’t “do” vulnerable.
© Female Matriarch Ego (which my wife possesses in quantity.)
o “I am the one that everyone turns to for help” and I am always helping others.
At hospice, I have seen people refuse to call the nurses for extra pain medication because they didn’t want to “be a bother/nuisance” They would tough it out until their regular medication time.
And they wouldn’t accept help from me as a volunteer, because they didn’t want to impose.
Eventually, when they would accept some help i.e. something as simple as an ice cream smoothie from the kitchen… I would sit and keep them company and then I would say, “I’d like to thank you for allowing me to help you. You have given me a gift.
They (of course) would be confused and would ask me to explain.
I would say, “The gift that you bestowed upon me, is called “The Warm Fuzzies”. No matter what is going on in my life, no matter if I am having a “good” day or a “bad” day, when I put my head down on my pillow tonight, I will be thinking, ‘You aren’t such a bad fellow, after all. Look at the acts of kindness that you did today.” That is a precious gift. And I thank you so much.”
On the other hand if you had not allowed me to help you, I might have had such a sweet day.
So, whenever I need someone to help me, I never hesitate in sharing this gift of giving and receiving.
Now this doesn’t apply directly to your situation, Janzie. But here is something else:
My wife suffers from arthritis and I gently massage her each evening. She is one of these “NeverComplainers” and I know she wishes that she didn’t need me in this way.
But guess what? Every time I ease her pain, I feel pretty good about myself and I fall in love with her a little more each time. So she is giving me a gift.
In your role, caring for your husband, Janzie, you are his EarthAngel. I hope that he sees what a blessing that you are and can come to the understanding that in allowing you to help him, he is, in turn, giving you this sweet gift of love.
I will be thinking of the two of you often.
Come back to us here for more support – as long as you need to and as often as you need to.
eKim