Hi Jimmie:
It's great to hear from you and I think your new thread is such a valuable topic of conversation! Thank you, Jimmie!
It's important for those dealing with the task of caregiving, no matter how noble the motives, to have a safe and welcoming place to discuss the darker side of the feelings that naturally accompany such situations as the one you so ably describe. As well, I think it's also a good thing for those dealing with illness and/or end of life to feel it's ok to vent honest feelings and frustrations. Without the difficult feelings being expressed we are even more diminished by these hearth wrenching experiences and I know from experience that suffering silently in isolation only magnifies the loneliness one feels. I can never keep my feelings contained for long - the good, bad or the ugly!:-)
I think there is a societal pressure, as well as pressure from family, friends and especially ourselves to try to play the role of the good saint when one we love and/or we ourselves are dealing with serious a health crisis or wrestling with the shadow of death. It's an impossible pursuit when we remember we are all human with all the limitations that implies.
I can assure you, Jimmie, I was neither all saint nor sinner but a mixture of both when caring for and about my Mom. I sometimes deeply resented the time and special care - and yes patience -her illness demanded of me and I often felt like a big jerk if and when I could not meet the demands. I have shed many tears alone. Sometimes it was almost impossible to separate the illness from the person I loved and I would succumb to taking personally comments my mother directed at me. I felt too in many moments regret - wishing I had held my tongue or spoke more gently to my vulnerable Mom when she was obviously not in control of her emotions as her dementia progressed. Daily caregiving requires so much of a person and it takes its toll and leaves wounds that take a long while to heal.
Fortunately for me, I am able to express my feelings without much inhibition and that helped and still helps me to cope with the anger, guilt and sense of inadequacy that at times surfaced and still surfaces - and sometimes quite unexpectedly - from deep within me. Fortunately as well, I was raised by my Mom not to seek perfection in myself or others and therefore I am able to accept my shadow side and know that my dark side is no secret nor should it cause permanent shame as we all struggle with it in some way at some time. I learned long ago that to expect perfection of myself is the ultimate arrogance and even as I write this it makes me laugh because I can be when provoked quite arrogant, but self-awareness is the key to self-forgiveness and humility both, in my opinion. I suppose that doesn't sound so humble, but that is nonetheless a goal I strive to attain.
Jimmie, you are expected to do the impossible on a daily basis which is impossible. You cannot do and say and feel everything as ideally as your dear heart desires, but please take heart that what you do well and the deep compassion you share with your wife - and others - must be the focus because I can guarantee you that these qualities that you as a caregiver possess deserve a more prominent place than any doubts that may haunt you about the less-than-your-best moments. Having said that, it is IMPORTANT to unload these disturbing feelings from your body, mind and spirit so that you will have more room for the positive energy you most need in your situation. Talk, write, share to unburden yourself because in the darkness you are never alone. We all inhabit the darkness with you.
You don't need saintly powers to be a blessing to your wife and others, Jimmie. In your pain and sorrow, your anger and need, your resilience and loyalty, your endless heart that is sometimes tortured with self-doubt, you as a caregiver, an honourable man, a human being that I so admire, in all your wondrously and wicked ways you are an inspiration.
Another person here whom I must say always without any sense of self-importance shares herself so openly and without any hint of elevating herself to saint status is NatR. Her way of relating - very real and down to earth - and vulnerable - often makes me stand silent in awe. It's not easy to admit to ourselves let alone reveal to others our so-called weaknesses, but in my estimation every time someone selflessly risks doing so, they help others to accept their own humanity. Sometimes by expressing our dark side we are best able to find our way to the light.
With affection -hugs- xo
Cath1