It broke you says it all. Tells us, the world, and yourself exactly what this loss this death means. It rended your heart and soul. We hear you. We understand you. And most of all it matters. You matter. Your pain matters.
Being here is not to be alone. Not to carry the grief like swimming with a back pack of bricks driving you underwater only to come up gasping for air. All you face, feel, and carry is how we cope with grief. Sharing and speaking to the wound it leaves.
We are here to hear you. Share with us to help you find the words. Tears are the words the heart has not spoken yet. You will find those words. Words are how we cope when we share with others who understand. We walk with our grief. We walk with your grief.
When you feel you can Nora McInerny has a TEDTalk on YouTube "We don't move on from grief. We move forward with it." It helped me so much. But again take your time.
If you can share memories of your brother with us. Allow us and others to see him as you do. We can sit in quite presence with you. You're not alone.