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New to group. Need reassurance that I can do this. 
Créé par Fuff
07 déc. 2021, 17 h 27

Hi..My husband died in early September from cancer. He was at home and with the help of hospice I was his carer. I am exhausted, traumatized, sad beyond belief and the irony is that the person I want to talk to about my loss is the person who has died. I need reassurance that I can get through this. Thank you,
Fuff 
 
Réponse de Seeker
07 déc. 2021, 18 h 46

Hello Fuff; I am so glad you have reached out and have found us here. I am so very sorry for the loss of your husband. I have a small sense of what you might be feeling and how lost you are right now, especially in these very early days.  My husband died just over four years ago from cancer. I have learned I will never "get over" my grief. Rather I am learning that grief is love and thus will be with me all my life. I don't say this to discourage you but rather to share that for me grief is not the enemy but a natural expression of love. This has helped me to learn to let it wash over me. To surrender to it and stop fighting it. By allowing myself to feel whatever I feel, no matter how painful, it starts to make the grief a little smaller over time. I learned that my grief wouldn't kill me even though my heart literally ached so much that I had it checked out medically. 

It sounds like you and your husband were very close. What a blessing! But the other side of that coin is that the pain can feel as strong as the love. This can feel overwhelming at times. I wonder if you have friends who "get it" and who will listen as you tell them anything you need to say. I also wonder if you would consider seeing a grief therapist. I have found these steps really helpful, along with reading about others who have been through similar experiences. It made me feel more "normal" and less alone.

Please feel free to reach out here anytime. We will try to listen, which can be a tremendous gift.
Be gentle with yourself. 
-Seeker
 
Réponse de Jillcaminotrekker
07 déc. 2021, 18 h 59

I am so sorry to hear of your loss.  I know what you mean when you say that the person that you want to talk to about your loss is the one who is gone.  My boyfriend (dumb word when you are in your 50's) died in September also and he is who I would share everything with.  I miss him so much that it hurts but I know that we will get through this.  It is very lonely and while I find most people mean well they can say hurtful things and not even realize it.  Be kind to yourself and reach out to trusted friends or this forum.  We all need help sometimes.  
 
Réponse de donzo
07 déc. 2021, 19 h 47

 

Hi Fuff,  I'm so sorry that this has happened.  Cry 

 

I lost my wife last December so I am 11 months along in my journey of grief.  I remember what it was like in the first months - so hard.  For me the loneliness was crushing.  I completely understand missing the one person you want to talk to.  I didn't (and still don't really) have many friends because - well, why did I need them?  My best friend was always at my side!

 

You can get through this!!!  Unfortunately you don't have much choice.  It is and will continue to be hard.  And you will always grieve.  But you will laugh again someday.  I don't have a ton of advice but to be kind to yourself.  Take baby steps.  Anything productive or distracting is good.  Every day is a day forward.  Doesn't matter if it was a bad day or a good day, you need to celebrate that you are taking those baby steps.  And on bad days, cut yourself as much slack as you need.

 

You've probably already seen this but I think this TED talk is a must for any widow(er):

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=khkJkR-ipfw

Nora McInery of the Hot Young Widows Club

 

I found a widowers (men only) FB support group that has been very very good for me.  Finding a group to share your emotions with is a great idea.  With COVID I didn't try to look for face-to-face groups, maybe there are some in your area?  Maybe your hospice can suggest some resources?  Having someone to talk to who really REALLY understands is such a wonderful thing.  I don't know how you are coping but I found talking with well-meaning friends and family was not that helpful.   The reality is they didn't really understand what I was going through.  And talking to them... well, I just felt I was imposing on them because their life was going forward normally and I needed help but I didn't know what I specifically needed and... yes, it is difficult.

 

When I started reading the posts in that FB page - any every single guy really really understood EXACTLY what I had gone through - it was such a relief.  Someone you can talk to who really gets it.

 

Anyway, I found it really valuable to have an emotional shock absorber through that support group.

 

Isn't it frustrating trying to find resources?  Most of my google's just got me a lot of dating ads :(

 

Also have you got some counseling?  I got some counseling sessions through the BC Health hospice in town.  But they were so busy, I could only get one session every 5 weeks.  So it wasn't that useful for me.  But in generally I think it is a good idea.

 

Anyway, here I am doing the classic dumb guy move - giving you suggestions to "fix the problem" rather than responding to your ask which is you need reassurance.  All I can say is I've done ok.  I found around 3 months things started to get better and I gradually got my life back on track.  And these days I am fairly happy and functional   Sometimes I still have my sad days and I think about my poor wife and all she lost and all I lost and all that my kids lost.  And it hurts still.  But I no longer feel like I have been mentally and physically ripped in half. 

 

Things will get better. 

 

Don

 
 
Réponse de Mark99
07 déc. 2021, 20 h 16

Simply said and I support all that has been shared, you got this.

I can see that in your willingness to share. To take the puzzle pieces of grief and loss and put them into words. Those words you share create a 3D narrative for you to see and others. It becomes a path forward to find your way. 

For me I hold this close to me when I feel the loss of Donna. The wound of grief allows light and knowlege to enter us. If we allow our lost loved ones to take up space in our brain and heart we can hold them close and build memories that embrace the love we have forever. 
 
 
Réponse de Jillcaminotrekker
07 déc. 2021, 21 h 25

Thank you for sharing the youtube link Don, I just watched it, sobbed all through it but it was beautifully said.  
 
Réponse de eKIM
10 janv. 2022, 19 h 09

Just last week someone shared this lovely poem with me.  I will find it a source of comfort always, for me and for the people that I help.


The link to the poet's website is shown.  I checked out the site and bookmarked it.  I believe that it is a beautiful resource from a beautiful person.


What makes a person beautiful?  It has nothing whatsoever with physical appearances.


What makes someone beautiful is what is in their heart and how they treat others.


- eKim


WHEN YOU HAVE LOST SOMEONE YOU LOVE


Do not make the mistake of living in sadness, or living small to honour their absence.


 You owe it to them to live even more vividly than before.


If they could reach you, they would surely say..


 “Take the love you had for me and turn it into gladness, use the love you had for me to drive away the sadness.”


 Love is an energy, so powerful, so all-consuming that when the person you felt all that love for is not here, you are a vessel filled with a boundless source of power that has nowhere to go.


 Harness it.


 Use it to burn even more brightly and live even more loudly than before.


Share the love you felt for that person with all the other special people in your life, for it is limitless. There is no end to it and there never, ever should be.


 If they could reach you they would surely say…


 “Make my time on earth count loudly, so I’ve not lived in vain.


Use the love we shared to make more love and not more pain.”


 If you are struggling to move on, to find the way to carry on. Without them.


 This is it.


Use the love.


 Carry them with you in all that you do, using their love as the source.


It is what they would want.


Tell their stories, mention their name, feel their love – and share it.


Do not let the pain of their loss overshadow the love that they created whilst alive.


Make them count.


Remember, grief is the price you pay for a love divine. The stronger the love, the deeper the grief but love, love will always win in the end.


 Donna Ashworth


https://donnaashworth.com/poems-quotes/


 


 
 
Réponse de Fuff
10 janv. 2022, 21 h 00

Thank you so much everyone for your kind and encouraging responses. The Ted talk was wonderful and the poem so helpful. I am feeling my way forward with the help of my kids and grandkids but still being side swiped by waves of grief. I try to allow them in and sit with the emotions until they recede. Sometimes it is easier than others. Doing the things we used to do together now on my own is so difficult. I find the mornings waking up to the empty apartment is the worst part of my day and my anxiety ramps up. I am a meditator so that helps calm me but at times the panic gets ahead of me and I wounded for the day.

Thank you again. It is so good to know that there people out there who totally get what we are going through.

Fuff 
 
Réponse de Marushka
06 févr. 2022, 17 h 24

Fuff 

I am truly sorry for your enormous loss. My husband died last Fall at age 63. We planned a fun retirement and now I am alone too. I have suffered other losses since but the confusion and fear of early loss left me feeling overwhelmed.  Some great people on this site have said the same as I will.
It takes times but you can redirect  that love and find beauty and joy again. Keep in touch we are all going through the same pain.

Marushka


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