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Do I tell my mom she has brain cancer

Créé par Caroline L

01 avr. 2021, 14 h 54

I find myself in a unique or maybe not so unique situation. My mother was very recently (last week) diagnosed with terminal brain cancer. She is currently in hospital but does not understand why. She will be moving to hospice.palliative care soon. Do I tell her she has brain cancer and has limited time or should this come from the doctors?
A second dilemma is my father has Alzheimer's and misses my mom - he is at home with me and my family now and is asking about his wife. HOW on earth do I tell him??

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Réponse de Lucky1312

01 avr. 2021, 15 h 39

Caroline, you are in a very stressful situation. At one point my dad said to me before he passed, "what do they say about this Alzheimer's thing anyway?" and I told him that it is not a good disease, that we love him and are doing everything for him, that he didn't need to worry about a thing. It seemed to calm him down. My mom also read to him about Alzheimer's from a web site and he seemed to understand.

If I were in your position with respect to your mom, I would ask the doctors to refrain from telling her, and let them know you will do so. Find some literature if you can and break it to her gently. You can use the same literature to tell your dad what's going on with your mom.

You are in an extremely tough spot. If you need respite care for your dad at your home, I suggest you contact Seniors Home Care by Angels in Milton. We used them for Dad and they are excellent, and also (somewhat, compared to other agencies) financially feasible.

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Réponse de Seeker

01 avr. 2021, 16 h 34

Hi Caroline; First, I would like to say how sorry I am that you are struggling with this tough situation. It is a lot to deal with and I think it would be a good idea for you to pause for a moment, take a deep breath and remind yourself that you are doing the best you can. And it sure sounds like everything you are doing is coming from a place of deep love and concern for both your parents - no small thing!
I used to work in a situation where these kinds of dilemmas came up regularly. In my experience, there is no "one size fits all". How you talk with your parents will reflect how you have always talked with them, the kind of relationship you have with each of them and how you have tended to share difficult news in the past. The other thing to consider is how your parents have wanted to handle these things in the past - for example, is your mother the kind of person who tended to "brush things under the carpet" and hear news on a need-to-know basis or is she more the type of person who wants to know everything - even if it is hard? Do you have the comfort level to talk with her about these things? Would you feel better doing it together with the doctor or a nurse? What you are comfortable doing matters too! And remember, you don't have to get it right all in one go. This is a conversation you can have in small bites, depending on how your mother reacts and the questions she may (or may not) have. You likely will want to take your cues from her, to a large extent.
As for your father, again, my experience is to let him know a little bit (something like, "Mom is quite sick but she is getting the best care possible") and see if he wants to know more or seems distressed by this news. You will likely want to reassure him that he, too is loved and will always be cared for even though your mother too needs help right now.
The Alzheimer Society has counsellors who can help you through some of this. You can find your local Society at www.alzheimer.ca
I hope some of this is helpful to you. Take good care of yourself.

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Réponse de eKIM

01 avr. 2021, 20 h 23

Hello Caroline

I am sorry that you are going through all of this. I hope that you have people who are offering their support.

If you need a place where caring people will listen to your story and share their own stories, then you’ve found it.

The beauty of this experience is that you can read the stories of several people. Then - from it all – you simply take what you need and leave the rest.

Have you spoken to a professional (i.e. social worker/counsellor)? They may be the best ones to guide you through your maze.

I cannot offer anything from my life’s experiences compared to yours. But I hope that your spirits are buoyed a wee bit knowing that this world is full of good, kind people who are wishing you well.

Love and peace to you. - eKim

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