Good Morning Friends on Who Advocates for Me;
:
Thank you for your kind words regarding my brother, Stephen, whom I went to visit Saturday. True to his being, he is a kind and gentle soul. He was so appreciative of the help from the doctors and nurses, he looked at me and told me I looked different and I had a kind and pretty face. He was amazed that I was 11 years older than him at 68, he danced with me at John's and my wedding. Somehow since his bout with illness he has become more lucid and is able to carry on a much better conversation and seems to remember more of the past and speaks of his anger at his wife and how he calls it: I went crazy" He is well looked after in acute care and the doctors have been extra kind to him and us and are doing all they can to help find him a permanent care residence. As the doctor told, Gayle, our daughter, you have done all you can for him: now he needs 24/7 hour care and you have been his caregiver for 10 years since he left Stanley Park where he lived for 10 years. Yes, he lived in our great park along with others who are homeless. He was loved there also and was fortunate to have Pat and Barb look after him the best they could, bringing him sandwiches and making sure he was alive and not ill sleeping under a tree. All in all he has been care for by a loving group of people.
To show our appreciation we held a picnic in Stanley Park and Barb and Pat by word of mouth told the many people who knew Stephen came to the picnic and had an appreciation lunch. The dog walkers, the meditators, even a couple of City workers who knew Stephen and would give him trash bags as he loved cleanliness and helped pick up trash to keep his area and surround clean. Yes, he was loved and is still loved so we continue our care for an Uncle, Great Uncle, Brother and father of 3 children who try to understand their father but cannot be blamed as with his illness he left when they were very young children.
This morning I was up at 3:00 a.m. What to do, turned on PBS and saw a quotation: Memory is the treasure of all: by Cicero. What a true statement and then I viewed a program called Pacific Heartbeat, what a lovely program. Their were musicians from Hawaii and it was so relaxing and made one able to sit back and enjoy the softness of their culture.
A wonderful part was when they sang "A Time to Let Go" showing residents on the shores of the ocean placing verses on paper attached to wooden floats, with flicking candles in side, each float had a box made of paper or such with family and friends names on them pushed into the ocean, line after line of people placing these floats into the ocean letting go of their loved ones. What a magnificient way to let go.
As I watched this I became more reflective on my mourning of losing John and what has been happening in my life. I realized I am somewhat afraid to go out and walk by myself. It seems that I must always have someone pick me up and take me to the pool, to the Legion, shopping, etc when I used to love to walk early in the morning and I always stated that we early morning people are so much more alive and cheerful as I had never seen anyone who did not say: Good Morning, early in the morning. Now, I hesitate to go out the door alone. Why, I keep telling myself to-morrow you will get up and go, never mind the chores you seem to make for yourself and again, I wait and of course then it is too late, the sun is out, it is too hot, etc. etc.
My family keep telling me mom you have to get out and walk. Yes, I know that and I must talk to someone of my not wanting to do it. Somehow when John was very ill I couldn't leave him alone until the care aide came and that was after 10:00 a.m and of course that made it too late for me to go out. My days always started early, up early out by 7:00 a.m, back by 8:00a.m. and when John was not palliative but very ill he slept through that hour and I would hurry back to give him his meds and his breakfast, and bath or wash up. Somehow, I just can't or do not want to get back into that routine, almost as if I don't want to take that first step out alone without the support of our son, daughter or friend.
Seems I just wrote a chapter in my life and it makes me realize I am still not over the losing John stage in my life, with this in mind I must make an appointment with the dr again and see if she has any clues to my dilema, also I need to see if my husbands medical will have help for widows and their need for support.
To all my friends, I miss you and to Nat and Katherine, thank you so much. Jimmie, I am going to write about my small town in Saskatchewan and John. So much to remember, some good, some not too bad but all with Joy as hard as it was growing up in a small town the experiences help make me and our family stronger and the ties that bind (a phrase we all know and it is truly reflective in our family as like many Europeans, we are loud, we laugh when we are sad, cry when we are happy-especially to music, talk loud and people think we are arguing but when needed we are helping each other.
Take care and hugs to all:
Xenia