Good Morning All:
This morning I decided I had to live and live a different life. Since John's death I have been veggie, going out but not living in the present, my meals were whatever I couod grab out of the fridge or what the family brought.
I had not incentive to cook, to do anything in the kitchen, I had plenty of items to make soup but I kept putting it off until this morning. Enough, I put on the wash, seems like I only wash twice a week or so now since there are no more extra sheets, tshirts, pjs, towels etc that I washed daily to keep John fresh.
I showered, made a cup of coffee pulled out the big soup pot and proceeded to make a pot of soup with all the veggies I had in the fridge, pulled out some burger that I had defrosting, opened a tin of beans and soup is simmering on the stove so I can have a decent lunch or dinner and not rummage through the cupboards for something I might like. I love to cook, but somehow the past year my cooking was soft food, etc and I forgot about reality and living.
Yesterday, I went to the pool. Whoopee, that got me out of the house and into the hot tub where I soaked away a week of muscle pain from not sleeping, etc and just forgetting to live.
I had a busy past few days last week and part of this week dealing with Government papers to be presented to the Pension people. What a deal. I had to present my marriage license, forgot it at home, they also wanted to know how I signed my PIN card. Holy mackeral, spelling to those who fish - sorry) who remembers what you signed 56 years ago. Did they have PIN numbers then, was I single, was I married, who knows.
Had to go home and find the marriage certificate that was okay, found my PIN card, cracked and in a wallet I had placed it, well I received this care in 1956 and I signed it with my married name, first and second then family name. Who can recall this when you are asked how you signed it. So, get out your papers and put them in a safe place just to make it easier for yourself. Then I went to the Notary to have our home placed in my name since we were both on the land title. Contact John's union for benefits, thanks goodness John's union and most working places now demand pension are halfed, this way we could have lived high on the hog if he took the whole amount monthly and left me with nothing but we lived on half so I retain the amount we were living on when he was alive. Benefits are good, they pay my medical and all the extras I may need. We were never big users of the benefits until John needed a wheel chair and bed so I am very grateful for what we had and I will continue to have.
I am still teary eyed, especially if I run into someone who asks about John and how I am doing. I hate it, as I can be staunch just saying hello, but when they stop and ask me how I am doing. Will get over that soon enough I guess, I found that the first week I was like a bride, a lot of excitement, lots of company, phone calls, etc, then alone. That is when reality set in. I am AlONE. The family still calls, daughter comes over to visit but I am alone in the condo, so quiet without the concentrator making oxygen for John. The condo so tidy I want to yell what the hey..no oxygen cylinders, no trays of meds, the dresser top is clear of tissues, hand wipes, all the things I used for John's comfort.
My condo looks like House Modern, lol, clean counters, clean everything, but that too shall pass as I get into living in the present which I know will take time. I did put John's fish, whom he called Oscar down from the fireplace mantel and put it on the kitchen where I could watch him as I work, will move him back later on. Had our son remove the wooden surround he built on the patio so we could put John's concentrator on the patio during the summer as it put out so much heat we would cook. Another item gone but I will put a plant in its place.
Oh boy, or should I say oh my goodness, I am writing a book. Have to leave this chapter for now as I hear the dryer calling me and have to check the soup pot.
Take care and thank you all for the kind and caring words.
Xenia