I think the concept of dysfunction in terms of family dynamics is sometimes overblown and misunderstood. In all families there is bound to be disagreements and disputes, clashes of wills and personality conflicts, power imbalances and unresolved issues. All of these family dynamics serve a function and compel families to either work through them, accept or ignore them. Among these difficult dynamics, most families also play host to an array of mutually supportive and connecting elements that include, lasting love and loyalty, companionship, camaraderie and closeness, shared history that bonds them with memories both happy and sad.
While some families experience more than their fair share of challenges it is natural, in my opinion, during times of immense stress for families of all varieties to react to the experience with heightened and sometimes ugly emotions when oneself or a loved one is faced with serious illness and/or end of life. When people are feeling insecure and frightened, alone or misunderstood, they are not always able in every moment to display their loftiest feelings, their good nature or goodwill.
All the family’s emotional baggage that was present before a health or life crisis suddenly resurfaces and at times is dramatically magnified when confronted with a perceived threat of illness and/or death. It is never easy for any family to work through the end of life experience as unsettling sensitivities, old wounds and painful feelings are often triggered.
Depending upon the people and the situation, some family members will avoid at all costs open discussion that could promote healing while others will engage actively in communicating to try to resolve any lingering hurts. Some people may hope that making peace will replace anger where others may unleash their feelings in a fury unmasked. In my view, the past dynamics that existed between family members often dictate how things will be handled during illness and/or at end of life.
When I think of anyone involved in these tense and anxious situations, I try to think of how all sides view the situation in the circumstance. It’s so easy to place blame or take sides, but there is so rarely a clearly defined right or wrong way to see and experience life or death and we all respond so differently. It is useful if we can try to walk just a few steps in the shoes of the other, especially those that we don’t so naturally relate to or understand and perhaps never will. Genuine acceptance of our differences can sometimes make the most meaningful difference of all.
Feeling empathy for those less able to meet our needs or communicate kindly and compassionately helps us to accept their limitations just as we hope others will accept ours. There is always another perspective to consider and yet most people get trapped into thinking only their way makes sense. Families are as complex as the people within them and at no time is this truth more evident than during times of sorrow.
I wish everyone the courage to embrace their families with compassion when life is coming to a close. It can make all the difference to the person who is dying and whose needs ultimately must matter most. It can also provide great comfort in difficult moments now, and in the future, to those left to live on with the memory of how life ended for their loved one and may actually serve to lighten the load of the family’s baggage, the weight of which we all carry with us. In my view it can’t hurt to try.
Cath1