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Reply by Mary09

05 May 2022, 12:15 AM

Thank you Toronto girl...Happy Mothers Day to you and your mom as well. You didn't mention your moms sickness too much... my mom is stage 4 cancer. If your mom is potentially I'll with a mental illness that will certainly be hard to deal with and can account for how she speaks. If that's the case it might help to think of the disease as being the one that is talking rudely and not your mom. I'm not sure if thats the case but it just came to me as I was reading your message.
Mary

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Reply by Toronto girl

05 May 2022, 12:38 AM

She is paliative (Stage 4( lung cancer, that has spread many places but she has not gone back for an updated scan (partially due to Covid & because they cannot treat her). She also has stage 4 COPD. So between all that and the major medicaty I think she's just losing her faculties +more so than an actual mental illness). It's just all so much. For all of us going through it.
So many friends shrug it off as though caregiving is the sane as losing a parent you may visit every other week. Sigh.

We are going to get through it. ❤️

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Reply by Katherine N (Katherine@virtualhospice.ca)

24 May 2022, 9:51 PM

Hi,

I wanted to let you know about this resource from Canadian Virtual Hospice Grieving before the loss. Reading through the module just now, my eyes caught these words,

"Doing the best we can to support someone at end of life is a great achievement. It is enough."

Katherine

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Reply by Boycat969

15 Mar 2024, 12:50 PM

The amount of a person being difficult to get along with before the lukimiea makes it even harder to deal with. My moms 90 years old at this point all of us kids are doing the best we can with a difficult situation. I get angry at her because you do everything and it's hard at times .I get upset angry and mad and just feel like throwing in the towel its vary difficult dealing with someone who has always been some what of a narsasist throughout our lives this situation isn't making it any easier. I wish I had all the answers but I don't. Shes been going for blood transfusions monthly now two transfusions a month for the last 5 months for lukimea and now its getting to the point shes having a hard time thinking it's over.I would love to know how I can deal with my own emotions because it's taking a toll on me.😘 Its hard to know what to say to comfort her because now at 90 shes looking at life and just feeling down saying I'm afraid to die 😪😪it breaks our heart to listen to her talk like this 6 kids were all doing the best we can.I wish we had some good advice from perfecanils that we could talk to on the phone. We all have past resentments we are dealing with .She lives alone in apartment and gets two visits daily from Psw to Bay Shore .She calls us kids all the time after we leave saying shes so lonely and depressed she doesn't like being alone. We all live out of town and have our own lives were dealing with making us feel guilty after we go home is hard .Sadly its getting harder day by day it's never enough dosent matter how much time you spend with her or have her over on visits a weeks at a time you still feel you didn't do enough!! If anyone knows a hotline you can call to reach out your feelings about this it would be greatly appreciated. Good luck with your situation and I hate it when they say suck it up.When you are feeling depressed and down it doesn't help our own well being. Your not alone I understand your situation all to well .Try to have a good day 🙏

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Reply by eKIM

16 Mar 2024, 7:35 PM

Hello Boycat

Welcome to the C.V.H. Forum

You have found a place that will welcome you with open arms.

We are here to be good listeners, without being judgemental, no matter what you say.

You might not find the “answers” that you are seeking. As volunteers, we are not allowed to tell you what to do.

We can share what we have found helpful for ourselves and for others. Also, we can direct you to sources of help from professionals.

I live near Toronto and I am familiar with some places that might help you. However, if you live elsewhere, Katherine, our moderator can suggest something that is near where you live.

It must be so hard for you (in many ways) to deal with your mother who you love, yet who presents challenges. I don’t know what else to say except, if you err, err on the side of love. That’s what I’ve seen work well for others.

Very importantly, look after yourself. Practice self-care techniques that are comfortable for you and bring you peace. This is something that I have seen bring a measure of peace to many people.

If you “burn out” it is not good for you, of course, but also you might then not be effective in helping your mom.

You said that you are feeling “guilty”. Guilty is a word that is often misused. If one purposely does something to harm another, yes, guilt might be an appropriate emotion.

You sound as though you are doing all that you can while balancing everything else in your life.

When people feel guilty for not doing more, it is often regret that they feel – that is a natural feeling.

When my mom was in her last months of life, my wife and I lived 3 provinces away and I could not “be there” physically as much as I wanted.

I felt regret, but not guilt because I knew that my responsibility to my “immediate” family took precedence.

I have the feeling that you are a very nice man who truly is doing all he can. Being depressed because you cannot do more is a natural reaction. But it is not a useful emotion.

Sometimes, when I am kind to others, others are not kind to me. Of course, this saddens me.

What I do – when I get into a “funk” is to think about the good, fine person that I am and the good things that I do and have done.

When I do that, it lightens my mood. I remind myself that in order to fully love others, I must learn how to fully love myself.

Peace be with you, brother

- eKim

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