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Reply by eKIM
22 Jul 2020, 5:56 PM

Jul 19/20


Hi Allyson, this reply is for you.


Being a 72-year-old Dad with two wonderful daughters, your story touched me.


I know that anniversaries can be a trying time.  Do you find this so?  How old was your Dad?


I am not trying to tell you how to feel, or how your Dad felt, but may I share a few thoughts from this Dad?


Honestly, if I felt in my “hearts of hearts” that my time on earth was nearing its end, I hope that I would be able to accept this fact with grace, as your Dad did.  Why?


Well, I’ve had a great life – in many ways much more than I expected or even deserved. So, I hope that I would face my end with a grateful heart.


Also, as a husband of 50 years with two wonderful daughters and four sweet grandsons, I truly and honestly want to be the first to go. 


It is the natural order and the alternative would be unbearably painful for me.


Friends of mine have a 13-year-old boy (a boy that I’ve known since he was a baby and the same age as one of my grandsons) who is dying from cancer.  I cannot imagine their pain.  I only know that I would pray that it was me dying rather than my grandson.


Sometimes (but of course, not always) our grief in losing a loved one can be softened by trying to see the situation from the viewpoint of the one who is dying.


Allyson, I wish you love and peace.  Your love for your Dad is so touching. 


- eKim

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Reply by eKIM
22 Jul 2020, 6:25 PM

Hi Lyndz


 It’s good to hear your words.  I hope that together we are so some comfort to you.  No one can truly know “what to say”.  In fact, some of us (me) are terrified of saying the wrong thing.


 Please take comfort in knowing that together we are simply trying the best we can to be of help.


 I have often thought that “When a tender heart comes in contact with a breaking heart, that wondrous things seem to happen.”  I have experienced this phenomenon countless times in my 72 years.


 Family dynamics can be a huge thing to deal with.  No one can offer solutions to you family situation.


 But perhaps in some small way we can be your VirtualFamily, Lyndz 


 And while we cannot be of direct help, know that you are not alone with family dysfunction. 


 My family, for example.  My brother-in-law just yesterday “fired” his surgeon and is refusing life-saving surgery.  My wife is very upset.


 I am not saying this to take the focus off of you, Lyndz.  We are here to comfort you.


 I suppose that I am saying that at some level, at some time, we all have broken hearts.  This is the bad news.  The good news?  In our pain and vulnerability, we find our own comfort in comforting others.


 Love, joy, peace and patience.


 eKim

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Reply by Allyson
26 Jul 2020, 10:41 PM

Thank you eKim for your kind words.  I was the luckiest child on earth to have two marvelous parents who taught me a lot.  Even in both their deaths they remained fine teachers.  
Allyson
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Reply by Allyson
26 Jul 2020, 10:50 PM

Hi Lyndz,

I continue to hold you in my heart.  

Books that I have found helpful are as follow (in no particular order):

Locations of Grief - An Emotional Geography edited by Catherine Owen - BRAND NEW BOOK with 24 personal essays.

Healing Grief, Finding Peace - 101 ways to cope with the death of your loved one by Dr. Louis Lagrand.  This book helped me most just following the death.  It is 101 very short (1 or 2 pages) passages that helped me day to day when reading a lot was too difficult.

Against Death - 35 Essays on Living edited by Elee Kraljii Gardiner

Safe Passage - Words to help the grieving by Molly Fumia.  Again short and helpful.

The Cure for Sorrow - A book for Blessings for Times of Grief by Jan Richardson

Love and peace to you.

Allyson


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Reply by eKIM
27 Jul 2020, 12:26 AM

Hi Lyndz

I've been thinking of you.  Let us all know how you are and how you are managing. 

You always have us VirtualFriends that are here to support and comfort you.

- eKim
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Reply by Lyndz
27 Jul 2020, 6:43 PM

Hi all,
Thank you so much for keeping me in your thoughts.  I'm doing - ok.  

Went & met with Dad's doctor this morning, we all had a really good talk and dad's spirits actually perked up a lot being given some control back. 

I've been stuck in the anger & depression stage for a while now.  But I almost feel like I'm moving into acceptance, but that may be just today.  Not sure.  Either way, I feel sort of at peace with everything right now.  

I still wish things were oh so different, I know we still have a rough road ahead but today was a better tday.  Hopefully we'll have more of them. 

Wishing you all laughter & love, and sending you the warmest thankful wishes I can muster.  
Best, Lyndz
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Reply by eKIM
28 Jul 2020, 4:24 PM


You have been in our thoughts, Lyndz.  I’m glad that you are finding us to be a good resource.

I like the saying, “The world is divided into two groups: those who wear the T-shirt that says, ‘Excuse me, I believe that you are mistaking me for someone who gives a S_ _T.’  And those who wear the T-Shirt that says, ’I care, I really do’.  Here, at VirtualHospice we ‘wear’ the T-Shirt that says, ‘At VirtualHospice.ca, We Care’

OK, dumb “Grandpa Joke”, but your closing sentence did say, “Wishing you all laughter & love, and sending you the warmest thankful wishes I can muster. “ 

Counter-intuitively, laughter and humour are important during the grief process.  I have found that with my volunteer work with grieving families that humour and laughter does play apart. 

After all, there is so much sadness when you focus on it. A smile or a chuckle is a welcome respite at times.  Take it as part of the “self-care” process.  And relish in it – don’t ever feel guilty.

So, thanks for your wish for laughter, Lyndz.  Please remember that we are wishing the same for you.  Take those welcome and necessary breaks.

I found that when my Dad passed away, it was followed by much sadness for me every time I thought of him.  Then one day, he entered my mind and a big smile came across my face.  I had thought of a funny story that involved the two of us. 

And honestly, Lyndz, every time I think of him now, I smile.  I’ll remember one his silly “DadJokes”.  It’s like he’s tapping me on the shoulder and saying “Meecho – his nickname for me – you haven’t thought of me in a while.”

I’ve got more to say, but being a garrulous Irishman, I have to reign myself.  Lol

Ps If you keep writing, I’ll keep answering.

- eKim

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Reply by Nouce
29 Jul 2020, 12:51 PM

Greetings to all,
 
eKim, I love your reflections on laughter. There are seasons in the care-giving and dying life when it seems that all we can do is weep, or scream, or sit dumbly on the floor.
 
But then there are the laughing moments. I remember so well, not long before my husband died, when I was sitting on his bed and we were eating ice cream. He couldn't talk any more, that is, say something I could understand. But he was trying. Suddenly we looked at each other and burst out laughing. For a moment, our common struggle to understand struck us funny.

 I cherish that as a holy moment.
 
May you, Lyndz, find the moments that sustain you in the midst.

Nouce
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Reply by Lyndz
05 Aug 2020, 2:09 PM

Hi all,
eKim, I love the jokes you offered - and definitely agree with (and relate to) those t-shirts!  
Laughter really is what has kept us strong through all of this. 

We've had a rough weekend.  He started passing a lot of blood and blood clots this weekend & ended up with a trip into emerg after a catheter made things worse.  We've added cancer to the diagnosis list.  After an overnight, they did allow him to come back home.  He's so confused & altered  now though.  A larger catheter is back in, being flushed regularly but it's all just blood. 

So difficult, as one doctor said he was in the active phase of dying, but another says he may just be traumatized from everything over the weekend and will "bounce back" in a few days.   Dad is the king of the bounce-back.  

Of course, no one can give us an ETA, his palliative physician did that once when we went to hospice - said he had 12/24 hours - that was 19 months ago.  So he kind of laughs and said " you like to prove me wrong, so I'm not putting any timestamp on it"  

I spent the day with him yesterday, mostly just watching him sleep.  He's changed a lot physically over the last few days as well.  His eyes are very glassy, and sunken.  He's confused, but still knows us.  When I was leaving I made sure to say goodbyes in case it's the final time I'll be with him physically.  I started to cry, and his reaction was "don't drip on me, your nose is red"  with a big grin.  Even now, he wants to make sure we smile.  

Ugh, I do have to say - step mom and I both agreed we don't see him bouncing back this time, but who knows.  He's suffering, he grunts & groans a lot in his sleep, and makes expressions where it looks like he's in pain.  I do hope this stage goes fast so he's not hurting.  

Thanks again for being the ones who give a sh*t.  I'm so thankful I found this place.  <3 
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Reply by Allyson
05 Aug 2020, 4:11 PM

Hi Lyndz,

I continue to hold you all in my heart.

Your Dad sounds so amazing.  My Dad kept making jokes too.  He really did like a good laugh, so it sounds like your Dad and my Dad were similar in that way.

The final days with a loved one are precious too.  The last night I spent with my Dad, I asked him if he needed anything?  His answer was, "Just you."  I cherish the memory and it still makes me cry.

Love and peace to you.

Allyson
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