Hello LYNDZ,  I read your posting and it really touched me.  I am 72 years old, I have/had conflicted emotions regarding the death of my Dad many years ago – we were very much a dysfunctional family.  I have learned to come to grips with my emotions and even forgive myself for my failings.

Like your Dad, I have two daughters.  They are everything to me.  One of the ways that I can face my own mortality is that I sincerely pray that I die before they do. 

I have been a hospice resident support and family volunteer for the past 10 years.  One thing that I have learned is that no two people travel the same path on this “end of life journey” or their grief journey. 

However, after observing hundreds of people I have observed some things that may be of help to you.  So without offering “fixes” (it is not appropriate or even possible) I will share my observations, if you wish.

I love what you said about your stepmom.  “My stepmother is his primary caregiver and has been amazing.”

Not everyone finds their soulmate the first time around.  Sounds like your Dad did this time.  I found my soulmate, my wife, 50 years ago.  My greatest gift.

And you said, “I do whatever I can, meals, meds, visit often, participate in doctors appts, etc.  

In part, we become loveable in the act of loving others.

You said, “He gets angry, believing himself to be such a huge burden to us... he's supposed to be the giver.”  

At hospice, where I volunteer, it is very common to meet the SuperMoms or the SuperDads who have always been the “go-to” person in the family.  Often this personality dynamic defines themselves, in their own eyes.  Much of their feelings of self-worth is derived from this beautiful self-image.

The time comes when they become the “cared-for” as opposed to the “caring-one”.  The 180 degree shift is too much to process, let alone handle.  The primary response is “I don’t want to be a burden on my family.”  I know that this my PrimaryResponse and I will have to face this one day.  Family members often find this attitude an insurmountable hill to climb in the caring of their loved one.

At hospice this feeling can present itself, to the point where when asked, “Can I ……. (a multitude of options) ….. for you?” the answer is inevitably, “No, I’m fine thanks.” Some patients will not even ring for the medical staff, because they don’t want to be a “burden”.

One thing that I do is say to them is this:  “You seem to be a person, in your lifetime, who has done many nice things for people.”  I have tried to be the same way.  I always want to give more and more.  Especially to my family.  It brings me great joy to be of help.”

“I am reluctant to let someone help me.” I want to be the helper.  This frustrates my daughters who want to do nice things for me.  One day my daughter was looking sad as she left when I had refused her offer for help. 

As I pondered this, I had a “light bulb” moment.  “I am depriving my daughter of the happiness of helping me!!!”  Guess what?  The next time she came and offered help, I gladly accepted.  She broke out in a smile, helped me with my task and I swear she had a smile in her voice when she called me later to check up on me.  Lesson learned.  Love is not always in giving.  Sometimes it is in receiving.  With grace.

You mentioned the various reactions of your family members to your Dad’s illness. 

You said, “My sister keeps herself distanced from all of us, saying she's "Busy".  So, really not involved at all, and rarely talks to any of us. “

When my sister (who I had been estranged from) died last year, I was the one who reacted like your sister is reacting - withdrawal.  I could not handle it in any other way.  And there are too many family dynamics to try to explain.  Fortunately, after all was said and done, my niece (her daughter) and the rest of my family forgave me and welcomed me back into the fold.  Love and a sense of belonging are what we all seem to want and need.

You  said, “My mother is a narcissist and cut me out of her life about a year and a half ago because I'm apparently too close to dad. “ 

Again, another “pearl of wisdom” that has helped me immensely, “People can only love you as much as they are capable of loving you.”  It has nothing to do with our worthiness, so we should not beat ourselves up.  There is some limiting factor inside of them.  It’s about them.  It’s not about you.

You said, “My stepmom has been incredible, but she's already purging the house & wanting to get rid of a lot of his belongings & memories, throwing away everything she can.  I don't like that.  

Everyone copes differently.  Some people keep “everything” as a reminder.  Others find these reminders too painful and get rid of them.  Our “truth” is not another’s “truth”.

Again, everyone reacts differently in these situations.  We often cannot change their minds – and perhaps we shouldn’t try.  What we do have control over, however, is our own reactions. 

The best reaction I have found is not to be judgemental.  I came across a wonderful saying recently that is so helpful in human relations.  “The first thing that you should understand about me is that: I am not you.”  I love that!  We often judge situations and people through the prism of our own beliefs and experiences.  Often this is not helpful in understanding others.

You said, “I guess where I'm struggling the most, is that we're essentially wishing for the end to come

Even though I said that everyone travels the grief journey differently, one of the most common refrains that I have heard at hospice, after someone passes, is, “I am so relieved that he/she is not suffering anymore.”

You said, “Some friends have been supportive, but I'm sure they're sick of hearing about it. “  That may be true for some of them, however there might be some who you can unburden yourself to.  In any event, you have us here at virtualhospice to reach out to. 

Why do we do this?  At some point people (have been/will be) kind to us in our time of need.  Pay it backwards.  Pay it forwards. 

I will end with my favourite quote, “Always be kinder than necessary.  You never know the burden that someone is carrying.”

Ps  I find journaling very cathartic.  If you like, share some of it here.  Journaling can be very beneficial when it is complemented with feedback from caring individuals.