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15 Apr 2014, 12:37 AM

I'm glad you joined this discussion Dale. But, wow, I was quite surprised to read your words "be blunt". Maybe it's just my interpretation, but blunt seems rude. Perhaps you mean blunt in the sense of straight forward and clear. With that I agree. Time is short and one has to be clear and have meaningful discussion while he can still respond. That often takes long spaces of time and silences to be comfortable with the fears that linger unspoken. Not easy. How do you "be bunt" respectfully considering those fears? 

Kim, do you think that Chuck is in denial of his situation? I didn't get that sense from your messages. I just understood that his preference is to die at home and that he wants no other caregiver but you.

For sure this is selfish, but how can one deny a dying person their last wishes? While that may appear to be a rhetorical question I really would like an answer. I don't suppose there is a clear answer. Sure I understand that caregivers need to take care of themselves, but I can exactly imagine myself in Kim's situation - giving everything and not considering my own health and wellbeing. I've see it many times in others. 

Kim, did your Pastor have a chance to meet with Chuck? How did it go?

Thinking of you.
Colleen 
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Reply by grammakim04
15 Apr 2014, 12:54 AM

Unfortunately, Chuck is in denial of the situation, when I try talking to him about it he tells me to stop worrying because he is still going to be around for another 2 years...and yes he has been declared "palliative" a year ago.  We have been with the palliative home care team up to this point. 

My Pastor is coming over on Thursday to help me talk with Chuck.

We just had a horrible weekend, he is getting worse, was bed bound all weekend.  I am so tired.  With all this going on, I realize I need more help to continue caring for him.
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15 Apr 2014, 12:59 AM

Ah, then Dale read between the lines better than I did.

Dealing with denial is difficult. Melinda is facing the same denial situation with her husband. Not easy. I hope your Pastor talking with Chuck helps you both get the care you need. Thursday must feel like a long ways away. We're here if you need to talk.

Colleen
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Reply by KathCull_admin
18 Apr 2014, 7:43 PM

Hi
I was just wondering how you are doing Grammakim.  I hope you are getting some rest. Did you get more help? Thinking of you this long weekend.
Katherine
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Reply by Xenia
18 Apr 2014, 8:07 PM

Hi Kim:

Just a short note wondering how you are doing.  Been busy with John who is also in pallative care.  I can appreciate your dealing with your husband's denial and I would suggest this is his way of dealing with his own fears and lossess.

My husband accepted his death when he had a near death symptoms when he had a massive heart attack.  He has always been accepting of death and that has made it much easier for the family and myself, however, he doesn;t talk much about what is going on in his mind.  He had a bad turn the other day and told me he felt like he was dying and when I read some articles on near death this was one of the symptoms.  Also, the nurses have been so supportive when he says he is going to go to sleep and not wake up.  I wish this for all who are going through palliative care, for them selves and family .

My heart goes out to you and I share your dilema.  I read in a book I have been reading that Love is more faithful than an old dog, and I thought of so many of the wives that love their husbands and are faithful to them throught out their marriage, sharing the ups and downs and now sharing in their passing. 

I am not sure what Dale meant by you being blunt, but perhaps he meant, I surmise, being blunt in that hubby needs to go to hospice and not being blunt in unkind words.

Take care and hugs to you and all who are nursing a palliative care person, family memeber or friend.

Xenia
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Reply by grammakim04
18 Apr 2014, 9:00 PM

Hi, it's been a terrible couple of days. 
My dad suffers from Alzheimers and is in a nursing home.  My mom was visiting him and called me from there.  She said he wanted to talk to me.  As soon as he got on the phone, he started begging me to come visit.  I just started crying.  He doesn't have many lucid moments when he remember family anymore and I just hate it when she does this to me.  I told him that I loved him very much and I would do my best to come and see him when I could.  Just went up to my bedroom and cried my eyes out.  

Later that day, I had to take my precious cat, Angel to the vet.  I've had her for 12 yrs, since she was 7 weeks old.  She has been sick for a couple of days.  Found out she had a growing tumor in her heart and liver.  Had no choice put to put her down because she was suffering.  Just broke my heart.  That was yesterday.  I still have her brother, he is also grieving...searching for her everywhere and meowing....so sad.  Cuddling with him lots.

I've briefly brought up the hospice with Chuck and he said he will think about it.  With everything else going on this week, I've just let it be for now.  The Palliative Team will be coming over next week to talk to him.

Just emotionally drained right now.
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18 Apr 2014, 9:46 PM

He's your dad. I have sort of a tough take on this. A weekly trip that takes 4 hours ( including driving time) is the responsible loving thing to do. The more you do that the more resilient you will become and the better you will understand his condition...because there are lots of downhill slides. Dont hate your mom. She is overwhelmed and she knows the buck stops with her. If your mom knows she can count on you once a week you can talk about her holding back on calling you. Consider skyping if you cant do a visit. Give your mom a tablet and have her skype you in from where you are. We did this with my uncle and his son in the US.  
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Reply by grammakim04
18 Apr 2014, 9:51 PM

You are being cruel!! It is actually a 16 hr drive...one way.  My husband is not able to travel and NO, I will not leave him.   If my dad was well, I know he would understand.

I do not hate my mother, I am trying to support her the best I can under the circumstances.

Please stop responding to my posts, they are very hurtful.
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Reply by marstin
18 Apr 2014, 10:22 PM

Hi Kim,

You're doing the best that you can at this point. I'm unsure as to why people are trying to force your hand to choose between your husband and your dad but I am behind you 100%. When you took your vows you made that choice to be with your husband through the good times and the bad. He is needing your support at this time and your dad is being cared for by others. I would guess that you've always been the giving type of person and others expect so much from you. This is not about who you love the most as your love for your husband is different than the love for your dad. You can't split yourself in half and I praise you for taking a stand. You have to do what is best for you and your husband right now.

Thank goodness you still have one remaining pet to bring you comfort although it's very painful to make a choice to put down an animal that is a family member. I know our puppy dog made a huge difference in our world when everything was happening. They give such unconditional love and affection.

Sending you big hugs and a wish for some calmness today. We're here for you.

Tracie


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Reply by grammakim04
18 Apr 2014, 10:28 PM

Thank you Tracie.
I'm trying to do the best I can under the circumstance, but it's not easy.  My dad and my husband are both so special to me.

Thank you for your encouraging words, it is appreciated.
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