Jimmie
You have touched upon, no addressed in blinding honesty something that all caregivers struggle with the sense of comfort and compassion in the form of others being there in the first person. I am working on a podcast about this topic from the perspective of adapting to being a caregiver and the loss and not just loss of another but loss of comfort care and touch. In part here is what I will be addressing. I question if we ever adapt or close but come to terms to help us be better caregivers and carrying those memories.
One of my HCP said to me about year or so ago “You’ve adapted well to your loss” Gee I was proud a professional in neuroscience and psychology noted I’ve adapted it must be true. My error was drinking her kool aid and not looking within to see my reality. In perfectly clear 20/20 hindsight she was just making herself feel better that she had achieved an outcome she could live with. And to be truly cynical she knew I was malleable enough to buy her kool aid punch.
Not sure I really adapted as much as have come to terms with my existence and the boundaries of my pain and fears. Is that adapting? Perhaps and I may be trying to thread a camels ass through a needle but there is a point here. Adapting and marking time are different. Many do not adapt many struggle day in and day out. Some of us less so and there are those who get married within six months of loosing a spouse. We all face and relate to death differently we all respond to grief differently. I’ve written about this before when hospice and palliative care teams are in place the incidence of complicated grief is lower for loved one when compared to patients who have not been part of hospice etc. Adapting may be related to the care the patient received and the loved one received.
To a point I have adapted. I am doing less of what we did and more of what I do. No I don’t leave my socks on the floor or eat in the living room or not make meals. I am striving to find my way not our way. But I have not adapted to the loss, the moments of sadness or filling my time with activities.Some days life is about routine to avoid being frozen in the amber of history. A friend is pushing me to avoid isolation, being alone is fine and I frankly enjoy being alone but, isolation is not healthy so I am doing more to fill the time. Making plans with neighbors and friends. Filling the void I’d say. That is not adaption. More like acceptance. It’s like closure which I don’t believe is valid that is denial said pretty. I will or may never adapt but I will accept my life and feelings.
Not too long ago someone noted, that I am not ready to move on. mmmm move on. WTF does that mean? As if I am having a blast. Is moving on a step toward adaption?
I have been considering that and clearly I am ready to move on. But, let me repeat BUT I am not moving on just to move on for any reason. Moving on or adapting or whatever, is it finding someone to replace the loneliness do my wash cook etc. I can do all of that and more, it is about being challenged again being stimulated inspired. And that is not necessarily someone it is something like these podcasts which getting up for these is becoming a challenge I need a podcast dysfunction product. It is creating meaning and purpose for me. And Jimmie you will find that as you look, think, consider and share. It is yours not anyone else's
Grief is like a mix tape playing in the background. It is the sound track of your life. Some turn it off and find a new tape. Others listen to their tape and dance to it or sing or cry or let it play. No matter what it’s my mix tape our mixed tape and my choice and that is key, choose to do something with your grief and pain and hurt. Make something of it. Use it to power through …