Hi Joe-r-den. I am so very deeply sorry for what you are going through with the multiple losses you have experienced. I lost my son to a drug overdose last year. We will never know if it was suicide or not. From experience, you should seek professional help. I am struggling daily over the loss of my son. It sounds like you have not given yourself time to grieve over your multiple losses. One can only go through the numb stage for so long. I am still learning how to navigate all these stages of grief. It is not easy. I have day of overwhelming sadness, despair, hopelessness , regret, anxiety, fear, and anger. They don't come in any order. Processing my trauma is extremely hard and I cant image how I would deal with multiple traumas but in order to process your tragedies, you need to be kind to yourself and allow yourself to grieve. It is truly hard. I too experience severe memory issues. I don't retain information, and there are many times where I am completely in a fog. It's all part of the trauma in our brains. May I suggest that you consider getting help for you and your sons. I completely understand how we feel we need to be strong for others but in order to allow processing and healing, we need to let go of the emotions. I have openly told my friends and relatives that there maybe days when I call them simply to cry and talk about my son and have asked them to listen. No one can advise you. No one can make this go away. We have to heal ourselves from within and it comes at a painful price but a necessary one. This group will help. Always remember, you are not alone. If you read my other posts you will see my struggles at the beginning of my tragedy. It really does help to express what you are feeling in words. This will not be an easy process and whilst I am a little further into my journey of loss and grief, it is still extremely difficult. As I said, if possible, you and your sons would benefit from professional help. Be kind to yourself, allow yourself to greive and include you sons as they will better experiencing the same struggles as you are. I have learnt that it is not healthy to suppress emotions associated with grief.