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Reply by Leesa

01 Feb 2025, 1:22 AM

My husband was only 61 he had so much to live for he worked as a tractor trader mechanic and because we live in a remote area he traveled 4 hours to work. He did a Friday Saturday Sunday shift at 12 hours per shift and stayed at his friend's whole working. He left here Thursday night for his Friday morning shift. We were talking
About him hopefully retiring after Christmas it was October 17th that he left. The next day October 18th I hot a phone call that he had a heart attack and died. Neither of knew hr was sick. The coroner said he had a 94% blockage in his heart how could we not know. I feel guilt I wonder if he would have lived had he not married me. We were only married 10 years both 2nd marriage my first husband was abusive. Rick was such a gentle loving man. I knew from day 1 he was to good to be true. I worried every single day something would happen to him. Then it did. Yes I feel it was my fault if he didn't marry me he would have stayed living on his small cottage instead he bought a house to make me happy and had to work way to hard to pay for everything. He had alot of pain from arthritis he shouldn't have been doing that job. He took to many pain killers to get by and hid his pain so not to worry me. His kids tell me the last 10 years with me were the happiest he's ever been and thsts comforting but I still feel like it's my fault. He should not have died at 61. Now I'm alone I just turned 60 I don't want to live to a old age alone it's so lonely and depressing that yes every night when I go to bed I pray for God to take me. I don't think I can do this on my own. I want to and I try but I don't think I can do it

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Reply by Katherine N (Katherine@virtualhospice.ca)

01 Feb 2025, 2:22 AM

Dear Leesa
My sincere sympathy in your great loss. From what you have said it sounds like the last 10 years were the best for both you and Rick. How good you found each other and could give each other such happiness.

His sudden death, especially after thinking about retirement, must have been and probably still is such a shock to you. Guilt often seems to wiggle into our thoughts in the midst of grief - 'if only, what if, I should have'. Do you have a healthcare provider, good friend or counsellor you could talk to about your thoughts/wishes for life to be over. As eKIM said thoughts of suicide or life ending are not unusual but I would want to know that you have people close to you who care about you and can support you. Crying is so so normal- my husband used to say we cry when things are important He died 9 years ago and although time is healing I still miss him.

I wonder if friends pull away because they don't know what to say and don't want to say the wrong thing. And as eKIM also said sometimes people need to try and fix things - and this is not something to be fixed.

i am not sure if you have seen MyGrief.ca - there are several modules with text and video clips written by grief specialists - and importantly also by people who have 'been there'. My ability to post a link is not working roght now, but if you are interested please go to Mygrief.ca. - I am thinking you might find module 5 helpful.

Please write as you are able.

warm virtual hugs
Katherine

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Reply by eKIM

01 Feb 2025, 7:41 PM

Hi Leesa

Your husband sounds like he was a very kind and loving man.

YOU SAID: “The next day October 18th I hot a phone call that he had a heart attack and died. Neither of knew hr was sick.

The coroner said he had a 94% blockage in his heart

how could we not know.

This happens to many people. This condition often goes undiagnosed.

In 2015 I was feeling great fatigue. My doctor sent me for some tests. I had a 97% blockage. It was a total shock to my wife and I. How could we not know? They call heart disease the silent killer. It can (and does) happen to anyone.

Within a few weeks, I underwent a triple bypass and to this day I am doing well.

YOU SAID: “I feel guilt I wonder if he would have lived had he not married me.

Yes I feel it was my fault if he didn't marry me he would have stayed living on his small cottage instead he bought a house to make me happy and had to work way to hard to pay for everything.

Whether or not Rick would have married you, his heart disease might have remained undiagnosed.

If mine had remained undiagnosed, I too would have died.

My wife probably would have felt some guilt. However, if no one knew about my heart disease, her feeling of guilt would have been groundless.

YOU SAID: “His kids tell me the last 10 years with me were the happiest he's ever been and this is comforting.”

There is all the proof you need to know, Leesa that your marriage was the best thing that ever happened to Rick, despite the fact that he didn’t live as long as you both wished.

YOU SAID: “I don't think I can do this on my own. I want to and I try but I don't think I can do it

You can do it, Leesa. All the people that love you will help you through these difficult times.

We here at Canadian Virtual Hospice will be here for you to “unload” whenever you want – 24 / 7 / 365

- Michael

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