I am so sorry for your loss, Dodd.  I have been married to my soulmate/EarthAngel for 55 years. All I can do is imagine myself in your situation.  It's the closest that I can come to feeling true empathy and compassion for you.

On a personal note, I have lost 6 family members in the last several years.  I have been a hospice volunteer for 14 years. 

Do you have a strong support system (family, friends) around you?

When you are ready, will you go for grief counselling?

The purpose of this forum is to present an opportunity for someone who is grieving to have an outlet for their emotions. 

Grieving is different for every individual and there is no "cookie cutter" solution. 

Writing/journaling is a very effective therapeutic device for many people. 

Sometimes by saying the same thing, over and over and over, a person will find their own answer bubble to the surface without someone else trying to tell them what should do. 

Unloading your feelings anonymously to a good listener on this forum is a resource that many people find useful.

We, here, at Canadian Virtual Hospice forum are a group of volunteers who have suffered losses and who have a desire to reach out to comfort others.

The nice thing is that you can post something 24/7/365 when the need is there.  Someone will always respond.

If this suits your needs, we will be here for you.

-      Michael

Hi Leesa

My name is Michael. 

I am so sorry that you lost your husband.  I can’t say “I know how you feel” because I have not gone through what you are going through.  But I have helped many people like yourself who have.

My wife and I have been married for 55 years.  If I lost her, I would be feeling many of the same symptoms.  Despite my experience, I would need help from others.

The volunteers are here to support you.  We have all lost someone.

It is said that  “From great pain arises great compassion.”  That is what motivates the volunteers on this site.

I am not a professional therapist.  I am a volunteer here at Canadian Virtual Hospice.  Since 2010 I have been a volunteer helping people in situations such as yours.

In the past few years, I have lost 6 family members.

So I have a desire to help people through their pain of loss.

YOU SAID: “I feel suicidal I just feel I have nothing left to live for. I have 2 great songs and 2 wonderful grandkids but I still feel like there's nothing worth living for. I'm afraid one day I may act out on these thoughts and then feel guilty about passing the pain onto others.”

Thoughts of suicide are very common with people who grieve, but almost no one follows through.

However, you should have people locally that you can call when you feel this way.

Alternatively, there is the Suicide Crisis Helpline: (see below)

Suicide Crisis Helpline.  If you or someone you know is thinking about suicide, call or text 9-8-8. Support is available 24 hours a day, 7 days a week.

You can check out their website at, https://988.ca/

I am currently helping someone who’s child committed suicide.  They, their spouse and their remaining child are devastated.  They don’t know how they can get through this.  They cannot understand why their child would put them through this horrible grief.

I believe that if their child had known the devastation they would cause their family, they would not have committed suicide.

YOU SAID: “I no most of what I'm feeling is very normal but my fear is that it's getting harder instead of easier.

When the loss is so recent you will have days when it will be harder.  You will also have days when it is not as hard.

I know that it is difficult to do, but in the coming months, then years, you will look back and see the progress that you have made.

You will still have bouts of grief, but over time, you will be able to handle them much better.

YOU SAID: “I just don't know how to get threw this I know it's only been 3 months and I need patience”

Over a period of time you will learn how to “get through this”  There are many resources on this website to assist you.  There are many fine books and resources available to you as well.

You are very wise in knowing that you will need patience because there will be no “quick fix”. 

YOU SAID: “without Rick my life is nothing”

It is understandable to feel this way because:

PAST: You only know the life that you had with Rick

PRESENT: You are very confused and in pain without him

FUTURE:  You cannot yet imagine your life without his physical presence.

YOU SAID:  “My friends are pulling away from me and I can't blame them. I no im not easy to be around.

It is normal for people to pull away from the one who is grieving, no matter how much they love them.  I have an article on this if you would like to read it.

YOU SAID: “I get anxious when I'm out and cry in stores and every where I go. I know I need help.

Many people find themselves crying everywhere they go.  I just wish that a compassionate soul would approach them and say, “Let’s sit down over a coffee and you can tell me your story.”

The fact that you know that you need help is a HUGE step in the right direction.

YOU SAID: “I live in a small remote town in Ontario. I can't find any support groups near me. I don't know where to get the help I need.

Can you contact a hospital, social services agency, town resource centre, churches, etc to find out about any local resources?

In my experience, I have found that journaling/writing can be a very effective method for dealing with grief especially if you have a “good listener” to listen to you.

Oftentimes writing out our thoughts over and over will help the griever discover their own solutions.

Here at Canadian Virtual Hospice, we cannot fix things, or offer solutions.

What we can do is be that “good listener”.

If this is what you need, please come back with another posting, Leesa.

Perhaps you could start by relating the circumstances of your husband’s passing.

I leave you with thoughts of lovingkindness and peace.

Michael