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My dad died

Started by MiissMAT

28 Jul 2024, 2:25 PM

I lost my dad three weeks ago. His last three months were in hospital. Admitted for a secondary issue to heart disease, he quickly decompensated and we watched as each of his organs failed. I witnessed him become a shell of himself, with moments and glimpses of my dad peering through. Each day for those three months I sat by his side, cared for him, and fought for him to get the care he deserved ( it's amazing how quicky the medical professionals shift to giving up). On the day he died , we decided to move him to palliative care as the doctor explained that he had days left to live. a Few hours later, and less than two hours after I left him that day , he died. Alone. Maybe thats how he wanted it. To spare me of that memory. But I would have been by his side until the end. I am so grateful for all that time I had with him, but I will miss him dearly. I will miss his phone calls needing help to log into Netflix. I will miss his terrible dad jokes, I will miss the ultimately safety i felt in knowing he was nearby. in the business that occurs post death with wrapping things up, I feel orphaned. I feel untethered to the thing that makes me ,me. I am the last family member with his name and that name will not continue past me. In a way , it feels like the death of our existence. I know this will all feel lighter eventually. I lost my brother years ago, and grief is very familiar to me. But this feels a bit different. I would love to hear others stories, experiences of losinf a dad If anyone is willing to share.

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Reply by Katherine N (Katherine@virtualhospice.ca)

29 Jul 2024, 3:33 PM

Good morning MiissMat
It can take a lot to write a post - especially when your grief is so new and raw. I am not sure if you have seen or looked at the MyGrief resources on this site. I thought one quote might be helpful:

"We all form attachments - to places, pets, work and most importantly, to people. We live in a world of losses, however and sometimes these attachments are broken. These losses steadily build throughout our lives. While we can avoid thinking about them, eventually they catch up in a deeply personal way.
For example, the death of someone close to us can be heartbreaking. Our life can stop making sense. Grieving this death can affect not only our emotions, but also our thinking, behaviour, and physical well-being."

My father died more than 40 years ago. Although his health had not been good for several years - his death was still unexpected and in some ways I thought he might bounce back as he had many times before. 40 years, but the details around his death are still fairly clear to me.

The idea of being an orphan - that is familiar to me too. I was a grown woman, married with a child when my mother died. And I rememeber thinking, 'I am an orphan,' and then almost laughing at myself! My defn of an orphan was a child under 12 who had lost both parents at that early age. But to me ti shows the ties of parent and child. Not sure if that makes sense, but thank you for raising it - which has made me think.

My brother died some years ago as well, but he and I had an age difference of 12 years so grew up in different generations. Friends, relatives, pets have died - and yes each grief is different.

It's coming up to the 9th anniversary of my husband's death - softer now but I feel a deep need to honor that day. I will take time to remember and be grateful for what we had.

Thinking of you as you remember.

Kind regards,
Katherine

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Reply by Mark99

29 Jul 2024, 4:09 PM

The loss, the grief, the memories, and the beautifully brilliant insight. All of that and you becomes the embodiment of your dad. I can see him though your eyes. Keep those messages going when you can. I know from my work as a crisis counselor when we share the pain inside of us with others. The words become these neon signs hanging in the air for others to see and feel. Most of all for us to learn from. The wound of grief lets light enter us.

I too missed Donna's death by a few minutes due to an idiot cab driver. That haunts me though I like you feel Donna (my wife) knew it was her time and choice. She wanted to protect me after three years of caregiving. She loved me into being and continues to.

Donna has no family. I was her last connection. And we had no children. So I read somewhere we die three times, once when our hearts stop beating, when we're buried or turned to ashes, and finally when our name is last said.

Keep sharing stories of your dad. Keep allowing the wound you're suffering to let light knowledge and love in.

And a Donna story from hospice. At one point during hospice I was pushed by the Rabbi and SW to talk to Donna about her life, regrets, hopes, and funeral. Took me a day to get the guts up to do that. I stood at the end of the bed and began to ask her about life, regrets, funeral etc.

She looked up at me and said with all the intensity a dying person can muster, "Don't be a maudlin p****." She turned over and went to sleep. She never surrendered her strength.

I wrote a Memoir to help me with my grief journey. Today I look at it and see it was a biography of a strong smart take no prisoners woman who loved me into being.

You got this we got you.

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Reply by MiissMAT

30 Jul 2024, 1:41 PM

Thank you so much for responding and for sharing about Donna. Your words exude the love you and respect you clearly had for each other. I am honoured that you were willing to share your loss with me. Thank you for reminding me I am not alone. There is so much power is feeling held. What's amazing to me is that despite us not knowing each other, we can connect so authentically through our experiences. With every tear, there is a smile that follows. And with each smile , my dad will be with me.
May your Donna continue to bring smiles and tears to you.
Feom the bottom of my heart, thank you

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Reply by MiissMAT

30 Jul 2024, 1:53 PM

Katherine,thank you so much for responding too my post. I am so sorry that your life had been touched by so much loss. Its true what they say , that we cannot have love without loss. It's such a difficult truth to process, but a consequence worthwhile to experience these loves. Each of our losses are different and i think it soewks to the uniqie bonds we share in each attachment . A father / daughter bond in my case this time Around. As your anniversary approaches, I hope that you can find a special way to honor your husband and the love and life you shared, in a way that fills your heart and brings comfort Thank you for sharing with me and taking the time to write. It's nice to feel seen and heard.

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Reply by Allyson

30 Jul 2024, 6:19 PM

Dear Miissmat,

I lost my Dad 7 years ago last week. We had lost Mom 5 years earlier and Dad was lost without her. They were pals.

Dad had had a bad fall and went to hospital. Three weeks in he said to me that he was going home. I said that he could not go home yet as he had to be able walk steadily first. He was going to come home to mine and my partner's home when he was released (sounds like a prision doesn't it). Nope he said - I'm going home and he pointed to the sky.

Well I told the nurse and I told my brother and sister. We all cried. It was Dad's choice. And over the next three weeks I watched my Dad die. He had always mentioned that he loved his Uncle Jim as when Uncle Jim had lost his dear wife he sorted his affairs and sat down and died. Dad thought that was the way to do it.

On the day Dad died I came into the hospital room and he was unresponsive. I knew that most of his soul was up in the corner of the room just waiting to fly. His soul was ready but his body was still holding on. He wanted to be with Mom. It took 12 more hours but at just after 11pm he died peacefully. He would always wait for the nurses to "tuck him in at night." So my sister, brother and I tucked him in and he died 20 minutes later.

My nephews (my sister's boys) were out at the lake the night Dad died. They were talking outside and looking up at the sky. Just after 11pm they saw 2 shooting stars. They looked at each other and said "Grandma and Grandpa are together again." Indeed.

I miss Dad everyday. And I miss my dear Mom as well.

Life is hard when we love. It bloody hurts when our loved ones die.

Warmest regards to you,

Allyson

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Reply by Ryans mom

04 Aug 2024, 12:29 AM

Hi Miissmat.

I lost my dad 33 years ago. I was present at his passing and that haunted me for many years. It took such a long time to accept. I missed him when he no longer answered the phone. He used to make certain meals when my brother and I were kids and I tried so many times to replicate these recipes but to no avail. I still miss him. My dad passed in the same year my youngest son was born and I just lost that son at 33 years old. They have a connection that wasn't apparent. My son was only 7 months old when his grandpa passed so he didn't remember him. About two weeks before my son passed, he told me that he had met my dad, his grandpa. I didn't push that at the time. They have met now. I believe that my dad was there to meet my son when he passed. The pain definitely gets easier with time. I can attest to that. Now I am in that same pain as I grieve the loss of my son. That pain will also pass one day. Your dad wasn't alone when he passed. He was surrounded by the love of all those who passed before him, welcoming him back to them. Just like my son, they will wait until we all meet again.

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Reply by Mark99

04 Aug 2024, 2:48 PM

Your writing and insight is so powerful, touching, and poignant. It is a reminder that even in the darkest moments of loss we can find some meaning. For me I look at my grief as a wound . A wound that allows light to enter in the form of memories of Donna (my late wife). These memories dance within me showing me the subtle and beautiful nature of our love. I can see it in your share here.

As well I believe what I said at the end of the Memoir I wrote, "Donna are you waiting for me?"

Thank you for this. I know it was hard to write but it brought me some light in the face of my loss. To know we share a common humanity in our grief.

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Reply by MiissMAT

04 Aug 2024, 9:49 PM

Dear Allyson
Thank you for sharing. There was something very comforting about your message. The idea that our loved ones who die alone , are maybe not alone. And that instead there are being met by those who have passed before them. Thank you for that, it brings peace and comfort to my heart. Wishing you peace and comfort in your own grief journey as well.

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Reply by MiissMAT

04 Aug 2024, 9:57 PM

Dear Ryan's Mom
i am so very sorry for the loss of your son (and your dad). A parent should never have to say goodbye to a child, it just seems wrong. I watched my parents work through their grief when we lost my brother and it broke them. But they were able to move though the pain, but as we know , grief changes us. May you find peace in knowing that Ryan and your dad are together. May you find the strength that exists in your love for Ryan to get you through each day. Life is very unfair sometimes. Sending you strength ...

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