I find that video, reading, posts, blogs, etc. All are part of my grief journey/work. That seems so counter intuative because it just opens up my wound though, I believe my grief wound is where light, knowledge, and understanding enters me. My memories dance and become bigger and more beautiful.

It is less about tammping down the pain or stopping the tears. Crying seems less about the hurt and more an exercise in cleansing  feelings and emotions. They fall and I see them knowing I'm making strides in recognizing the love we had had and that will always be. I like know Donna is watching me to contiue to grow into the man she loved into being.

I want to hit on the topic of this thread, "...how do I know". I think being here sharing so open and honestly is ok. Feeling all you are feeling is ok. Crying is ok. Learning and not pushing it down away is ok. It will never be ok. We walk with our grief our person not as a burden or in pain but in love. Donna is my there for me. Being here sharing helping each other is kind of like the words we say out loud and shared takes the puzzle of our feelings and offers a narrative for us to see and others to see. Just writing this I am learning. Friday nights hurt me because that was our night to put the week away. My pain is abject today. Yet being here is helping me.

Finally, for me closure is denial. Closure is indifference. I will not do that to Donna or my memories. Yet I live and try to be me for me for Donna. Peace out You got this I see your warrior.  

Hello Donzo, 

I've been meaning to reply to your initial since Katherine had pointed it out to me. I felt at the time that my thoughts were not yet clear and coherent enough to do justice to your insightful comments.

Like you, and Mert I think, I have done a lot of pre-grieving and I feel that that has certainly helped me on this long and arduous journey of healing after the death of my husband and life-mate.  This was his 2nd cancer. The first was slow growing, could not be cured but was always there waiting for another shot of treatment when it grew too large. In other words, there was always an axe hanging over his head, possibly waiting to fall. We lived that way for many many years, growing closer and stronger with this shared knowledge of his battle. Then 5 years ago when he got another and very aggressive cancer which metastasized as predicted, we started on that final 5 year journey. The final year treatments were no longer working and finally in October we came home from the oncologist with the writing clearly on the wall. We had sort of expected it but when his " death sentence" was passed ( I'm so sorry but we can do nothing more for you) It was the absolutely worse moment of my life. We came home, laid in bed and held each other btightlly and bawled our eyes and souls out.
And so we set about the next few months he had left to be with each other every moment in hospice at home, crafting our love moment by moment into a beautiful thing. We went nowhere during the pandemic,  did nothing else but loved each other as we met all his needs at home.  So yes we actively and at a deep core level we "pre-grieved". And although a lot of days my heart feels raw and bleeding I am hopeful that I can and will move forward.