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How to deal with loneliness after loss  
Started by Storybook
08 Jan 2021, 8:04 AM

It's been a month today since my husband passed away. The loneliness is insane. I talk to friends & family, it's helpful & can be uplifting, but it's not the same. Nothing can replace the conversations I had with my husband, the sense of comfort I felt with his presence in the  home. How does one manage the profound emptiness that happens after being widowed?
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08 Jan 2021, 5:28 PM

Dear Storybook, 

Death, loss and grief are always hard, but perhaps never before as hard as during this pandemic year when usual grief supports like, services, hugging and being together are restricted and in a season that many insist is, ‘the happiest time of the year’.

After my husband died, I was so lonely. Whether I was with people or alone, I felt emptiness because he was not there to talk to, to catch my eye, to laugh with me – no matter who else was there, he was not. There was a cloud hanging over my every moment.  What I found helpful in those early days was putting one foot in front of the other. Not looking too far ahead because that seemed too empty and bleak. Friends, both those who knew Henry and those who didn’t, who walked and talked with me, had meals with me, laughed and cried with me. Members of this discussion forum community supported me so warmly, virtually.  Physical activity got me outside and helped clear my head and heart.   Saying his name has been so important for me. He did live and his life had great value.  

Nouce quoted in, Grief does not move in a straight line, "Grief hounds our waking moments and sleeping dreams, grabs us by the injured heart and casts us, shipwrecked, onto the treacherous shore.....”

The quote above ends with, “Yet great loss, in its dreadful disguise, is also a gift; the enabling unmasker, transforming our lives forever." --Elaine Pryce

Friends and family, memories and time keep us from being shipwrecked.  Lean on them and know you can lean on this discussion forum to talk about your grief and loss. 


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Reply by mgb
08 Jan 2021, 8:51 PM

Hello Storybook
First of all my sincere condolences and I wish I could reach out and give you a big hug. I am the Mike of the MGB handle, you can see some of my posts on the discussions, " Lost my Soulmate, and Not Allowed to Grieve.  You may want to go into these as well because of so many have made many good comments, find the ones that work for you.
I cannot speak to loss of a spouse, my loss was of a child.  Of course there are many concepts/feelings that we would share and others we would not, our loss is different just as we are different.
One of my first thoughts was to mention many people find a journal where they write to their loved one is very helpful.  Jot a note or write a novel, even a few minutes a day.  The tears that hit the page are helpfull, they are a release and a sign of your love.
I won't repeat what I have prevously posted, because I can really go on and on and on, ( see what  I mean). 

A great resource is the Alberta Health Services Grief Program.  They have a physicall office in Calgary. Type AHS grief support program into your search engine and it comes up on top.


When you enter you will see the main heading and below three grey bars.


Under support resources you will see a list, which includes mygrief.ca and virtualhospice.ca, were there is a lot of great information, videos etc.


Under support videos you will find a list of videos put together by AHS and the team at the Grief Support Program.

- Managing the Holidays may be of interest, with lots of tips.

- Grief and Loss during a Pandemic, I have not seen this myself.

- Also other videos that are loss specific.  I suggest you watch the one for loss of spouse (numerous times over the next year).  Your kids can watch for loss of a parent.  You might want to watch with them as it may help you all to learn and share together.


As we always say with grief support and the concepts and suggestions, Take What Works and Leave the Rest.

Best wishes and a virtual hug.

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Reply by eKIM
17 Jan 2021, 9:14 PM

Hi Mike, it's eKim here, (mike backwards lol)

I saw your post and felt a "pull" to reach out.

How are you doing?  You might want to respond in a different "thread".

Grief is with us for a lifetime, I find.  It's up to us to find a means to cope that is right for us.  I lost 3 family members in the last year.

Noticing that you are reaching out to Storybook, I wonder if you could give me some feedback on the concept of "Easing one's grief through reaching out to another person who is hurting."  

This is a coping technique that I use to deal with my own situation.  I find it to be very helpful.  But maybe it's not for everyone.

Do you think that it is something that only applies to a few rather than the many?

Could it be potentially hurtful to mention it to someone who was grieving that simply was too overwhelmed by their own grief to reach out to others?

- eKim

ps I posted " A helpful analogy concerning why you can't 'just get over' grief - author unknown

 "  I wonder if you could comment on it, if you have a chance.  It is pretty general and I wonder if it is helpful or not, in as much as everyone grieves differently.

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Reply by rubyjones
02 Feb 2021, 5:25 AM

Hi there!
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02 Feb 2021, 3:46 PM

Hi Rubyjones
I know that sometimes messages can get 'lost in space' on the forum. Was there something else you had hoped to add?
Hope all is well.

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Reply by MargMarie
20 Feb 2021, 4:52 PM

Hello Storybook
Please accept my condolences on the loss of your husband. 
I also lost my husband in October, and I can relate to your loneliness. I was explaining it to my friend as being " alone", roaming from room to room, not finding anyone. I have tried to change my routine, so as to create a " new normal". I don't know if you believe in God or not, but He has been an absolute rock for me to lean on. I find it helps to get outdoors, I also have found that the more I volunteer and help others, it has made me focus on all the blessings that I have. I will be praying for you Storybook! 
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Reply by Storybook
20 Feb 2021, 5:19 PM


Thanks for your response. Sorry for your loss as well.
I'm glad someone can relate to my loneliness. I too have a new routine, I'm either dealing with a multitude of financial matters or I hit the wall with extreme fatigue. If I get outside & walk to the postbox I feel I've made an accomplishment. I have no more energy for much more right now.
I do have faith in God. How do you stay connected to your faith & lean on him during your grief?

Thx for your prayers, 
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Reply by MargMarie
20 Feb 2021, 5:44 PM

Oh Storybook, I so understand the fatigue!!! And also the financial stuff, there was so much to do, so many people to meet with, forms to sign, that the first month, I think I ran on pure adrenaline and coffee. Even doing something small ( like vacuuming) was enough for one day. I also still find that my concentration is limited, if I don't make notes, I totally forget what I was going to do ( I hope that passes soon). As for my faith in God, I totally believe that He is in control and nothing can happen without Him allowing it. My husband took his life and I believe that God could have jammed the gun because it hadn't been fired in over 20 years...but He didn't, He allowed it to happen, so if I believe that God is loving and kind, then I have to accept that He didn't intervene. The challenge for me is to see the " good" that has ( and will ) come out of this tragedy. Sometimes, I cannot see it..those days are hard, but other days I do see how this has brought so many people together, ( my husband was a wonderful man, and everyone was shocked that he did this) . So, when I say that I lean on God, I truly do! My radio is constantly on a Christian station, and one of my favourite  songs is by Jeremy Camp, entitled " Keep me in the moment" , because looking ahead without Scott is very painful.  I apologize for this long post, but I am a talker! 
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Reply by Storybook
20 Feb 2021, 6:46 PM

I don't mind the long post - talk away. That said, this post may be long as I share more.
Your comments are helpful. It's good to know others have to deal with papers, forms & such. I can relate to the lack of focus and concentration you mentioned too. I've got a book where I write things down, plus I created a board with 3 columns 'To Do - In Progress - Done'. I put things on a Post-it note & pu it in the appropriate column as things get done, there many things in the in progress column.
My Michael died suddenly and was very unexpected, they are still trying to determine the case. That means insurance claims can't be processed which adds to the complexity of financial things. As well he had a 2nd property he used as a studio which was willed to me, and it has it's challenges. He was a pack-rat borderline hoarder so both our home and the 2nd property needs a lot of sorting & cleaning done.
I'm sorry for you circumstances, it must be so incredibly hard - virtual (((hug)))
I find grieving so hard during this pandemic with all it's restrictions. I'd like to gather with more of my friends & see family but can't because of travel restrictions. Wish you lived down the street, I'd invite you into my Covid bubble.
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