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Reply by eKIM
22 Mar 2021, 5:06 PM

Hi Mark

Peace be with you, brother. 

I think of you from time to time, traversing your Journal of Healing.  Keep in touch via this site.

-eKim

ps I just sent an "ArrowPrayer" your way.  Feel it?  lol

One does not have to subscribe to "OrganizedReligion" in order to use and/or benefit from an "ArrowPrayer". 

Think of it simply as "DirectedCosmicEnergy" - the "InnerNet", if you will.

And isn't it a "SweetSpecial" when a "PerfectStranger" is thinking of you?
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Reply by McRalph
23 Mar 2021, 1:39 PM

I love these perspectives and shares!

for me helping others is about making a connection.  I want to connect with others who understand what I am going through and I remember how that connection feels when I receive it.  All we can really give in this world is love.  That's it!
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Reply by Storybook
07 Apr 2022, 1:54 AM

Well it's been over a year since I posted an update, so here's where I'm at.

It's just days away from it being 16 months since my late husband passed away. It's really hard to believe but I'm still waiting for cause of death from the medical examiner's office. Apparently they are still conducting tests 🙄 This means the insurance company hasn't been able to process life insurance, so that's another thing in the unfinished pile. That along with probate, that's been in the courts for over a year, was told it has to do with Covid and the volume of estate cases, but who knows.
 
Life has been a struggle since my hubby died and I'm dealing with some crazy things. I've been told it's understandable considering the trauma I experienced witnessed my husban's death. I'm dealing with a lot of muscle tension, alternating physio and massage has helped, although healing is slow. I've just started EMDR sessions with my therapist to help with my post trauma stress. All these appointments feel like a part time job, thankfully I'm now on medical leave from work. 
 
I'm still working on cleaning up the house, slowly it's getting done. I'm not rushing anything, don't want to experience another burnout like I did when I tried to go back to work last September. I still can't believe my manager was so unsupportive. The 2nd property is now cleaned up but there are a lot of repairs that need to be done. I'm pacing myself with that project as well.

Ending on a very happy note - my grandson is now 13 months and is the sweetest soul.
He spontaneously gives me hugs like he know his G-ma is sad and needs extra hugs 🥰
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Reply by eKIM
07 Apr 2022, 3:08 PM

Hi Storybook - I love your "handle".

I have to go to an appointment, so I'll write later.

My heart really goes out to you.

I hope that you are surrounded by love.

- eKim
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Reply by eKIM
07 Apr 2022, 3:16 PM

Hi McRalph

I love when you said, " All we can really give in this world is love.  That's it!"

A few days ago I was reading a fictional novel and one of the characters said, "The purpose of life is to love as many others as you can."

That quote hit me like a lightning bolt.  I have been a hospice volunteer for 12 years and I have always tried to look for something to love in everyone I meet.

But this author put into words for me something that I "knew" but never defined.

So, how can you love someone you just met? 

I simply ask them who they love, and then I listen very carefully. 

If they open their heart, and I open mine, then wondrous things happen! 

So I'll say I "loving-kindness" them because the word "love" is just too difficult for many people to process.

-eKim
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Reply by eKIM
08 Apr 2022, 12:02 AM

Hi Storybook


Wow, 16 months.  Do you find that the time went by quickly or slowly?


The fact that you are reaching out to others (such as us at Virtual Hospice) is a good sign.


Grief, the initial response is largely an internal, emotional response to a great loss.


Bereavement is more external, meaning that you are reaching out to others for help, encouragement and support.


The journey of healing lasts a lifetime. 


I like what Dr. Wolfelt says, “There is really no such thing as closure.  He calls it reconciliation. 

We reconcile all facets of our new life with the reality that our old life (which included the loved one we lost) must forever be changed.  And our changes will be an ongoing part of our personal growth.


The continuing love that you have for your husband (and his love for you) is the wondrous gift that continues on to include your children and grandchildren.


It is this sustaining love that will ultimately play the greatest part in your healing and in your new life.


I wish you all the best, Storybook.  May love sustain you and heal you forever.


-        eKim

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Reply by Storybook
08 Apr 2022, 5:05 AM

Thx for your post eKim, very thoughtful and touching response.

It's kinda weird, the past 16 months sorta felt like it went slowly overall, but each month seemed to pass by quick. And in some strange way it feels like he's been gone a decade.

I agree, there will be no closure, no getting over it. It's something I have to adapt to and learn to live with. That's the hard part, that and acceptance. I know he's gone but something in my mind doesn't quite fully accept it.

It's hard when life becomes difficult and the one person you want to lean on for support and comfort to get through it all is gone, and they're the reason for the difficult time. I sometimes wonder if other people feel it physically after a loss. I feel like I was hit by a freight train and I'm still trying to recover. My physical healing has been more of a challenge than my emotional healing.

Thx for your last 2 sentences eKim. 
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Reply by eKIM
08 Apr 2022, 3:48 PM

Here is something that I hope will help, Storybook


For Hope and Healing Your Heart;


Open to the Presence of Your Loss


Adapted from: Understanding Your Grief by Alan D Wolfelt, PhD


Click Here To Purchase:  UNDERSTANDING YOUR GRIEF


You can buy all books by Dr. Alan Wolfelt at the:   Center For Loss - Dr. Alan Wolfelt


 


“In every heart, there is an inner room, where we can hold our greatest treasures


and our deepest pain”. Marianne Williamson


Someone you love has died. In your heart you have come to know your deepest pain.


In opening to the presence of the pain of your loss, in acknowledging the inevitability of the pain, in being willing to gently embrace the pain, you in effect honour the pain.


Crazy as it may sound, your pain is the key that opens your heart and ushers you on your way to healing.


To heal in grief is to become whole again,


to integrate your grief into yourself


and to learn to continue your changed life with fullness and meaning.


It doesn’t happen to you – you must stay open to that which has broken you.


Experiencing a new and changed “wholeness” requires that you engage in the work of mourning.


Your journey is yours alone, but you don’t have to feel lonely.  There are many people who will be willing to help you.  Seek them out.


Healing is a holistic concept that embraces the physical, emotional, cognitive, social and spiritual realms.


Note that healing is not the same as curing, which is a medical term that means “remedying” and “correcting”. You cannot remedy your grief, but you can reconcile it. You cannot correct your grief, but you can heal it.


You will learn over time that the pain of your grief will keep trying to get your attention until you have the courage to gently, and in small doses, open to its presence.


The alternative – denying or suppressing your pain – is in fact more painful.


Maintain an Open Heart


©     the pain that surrounds the closed heart of grief is


©     the pain of living against yourself,


©     the pain of denying how the loss changes you,


©     the pain of feeling alone and isolated


©     the pain of being unable to openly mourn,


©     the pain of being unable to love and be loved by those around you.


Alternatively, you can choose to remain open to the pain, which, in large part, honours the love you feel for the person who has died.




Setting Your Intention to Heal


©     You are on a journey that is naturally frightening, painful and often lonely.


©     No words, written or spoken, can take away the pain you feel now.


©     It takes a true commitment to heal in your grief.


©     Yes, you are wounded, but with commitment and intention you can and will become whole again.


©     When you set your intention to heal, you make a true commitment to positively influence the course of your journey.


You choose between being a “passive witness” or an “active participant” in your grief.


©     To heal, you must be willing to learn about the mystery of the grief journey.


©     It can’t be fixed or “resolved”.


©     It can only be soothed and “reconciled” through actively experiencing the multitude of thoughts and feelings involved.




Making Grief Your Friend


You cannot heal without mourning or expressing your grief outwardly.


Denying your grief, running from it, or minimizing it only seems to make it more confusing and overwhelming.


To lessen your hurt, you must embrace it. Strange as it may seem, you must make it your friend.


 


 


Below is one of the sweetest poems that I have read lately:


 


Talking to Grief


Ah, Grief, I should not turn you away like a homeless dog


who comes to the back door for a crust, for a meatless bone.


I should trust you.


I should coax you into the house


and give you your own corner,


a worn mat to lie on, your own water dish.


You think I don't know you've been living under my porch.


You long for your real place to be readied before winter comes.


You need your name, your collar and tag.


You need the right to warn off intruders,


to consider my house your own


and me your person and yourself


- Denise Levertov


I love this poem.  It helps me grasp the incongruity of seeing grief as a friend.  I love dogs, and I would have taken in that dog too.  My love would demand it.  And deep down inside, do we not know that it is love that will help us to heal?


If you look at grief as an “enemy”, then you have to be prepared for battle and the possibility of being defeated – living a life of despair.


Looking at grief as a “friend”, simply means reconciling its presence with the attitude, “OK, you can come out from under the porch and sit by my fire.  I will embrace you.  I will listen to the lessons that you can teach me as I reach deep within myself to discern.  Love will help us heal."


I love this quote from Winnie The Pooh, - Eyore says to Winnie, "A lot of people talk to animals, you know."  Winnie replies, "I know.  The problem is that not too many people listen."

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Reply by AMT
13 Apr 2022, 11:54 AM

Good morning Storybook,

There is an unexpected blizzard where I live today. It's strange indeed to have a blizzard on the 13th of April. Today is a good day for me to reach out and make little connections. I read your posts and felt deeply how "systems" take over and negatively impact the flow of services needed after a traumatic event. You are absolutely correct when you shared that your grief work feels like a part time job. The time, attention and energy that goes into not only taking care of your emotions and the physical impacts of grief, but the financial and legal hurdles that you also have to respond to require hours and hours of time. 

I'm so glad your grandson is generous with his hugs and affection for you. He sounds like a little charmer. 

Extra gentle care is sent your way today,
AMT 
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Reply by Storybook
23 Oct 2022, 8:33 PM

It's been 6 or 7 months since I've posted an update. So much has happened, so I'll share a bit.
It took almost 22 months, but the medical report was finally completed and I received my husband's cause of death - it was cardiac arrythmia. When I shared this with his family, my late husband has 3 younger brothers, I learned that 2 of them were diagnosed with a heart arrythmia several years ago. Michael never had any symptoms which apparently is possible, and we're now aware that there's a genetic component.

Once I had cause of death I was able to send in the certificate and process his life insurance, but I got a major surprise which I have no answers to, even after taking with his family. He had a life insurance policy, but for some unknown reason he took a large loan out on the policy. This was done when we were dating, 3 years before we married. His family cannot understand why he did this as it was in the same year his grandmother passed and all the brothers received a substancial inheritance. When the claim was processed it was determined he never paid back the loan for 19 years, so it had to be paid back with interest, and the balance to me was nominal. I'll get more when I sell his car.
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