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Lost my best friend and then my father 9 months later

Started by Brad komar

20 Nov 2020, 3:58 PM

i Lost two of my best friends, two people that meant a whole lot me in this life and I always wanted to make them proud and show them the things ive accomplished but there not around for it anymore and makes me not wanna do much. But I've always been focused on self care and know that i can push foward, knowing that I'm doing it for me just Trying to build my own happiness. and I'm sure they would be proud of who I am today and most importantly is I need to do good and good things will happen.

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Reply by AMT

20 Nov 2020, 5:34 PM

Hi Brad,
Welcome to the CVH discussion forum community. Thank you for your post and for sharing part of your grief experience. You have identified part of the grief experience that many others have noticed themselves, not having those important people physically in our lives whom we wanted to make proud and whom we would celebrate our successes with. That is such a big piece of the grief experience. Sometimes fellow grievers talk about noticing signs and symbols that they associate with the love of their loved one and these can bring comfort. Although not everyone finds this helpful and that is perfectly ok.
Self care is always important but feels so much more so during grief. Especially when our hearts aren't really 'in it' and it can feel more like a chore than a fulfilling activity. A discussion thread entitled "disengagement" talks about that very idea as well. I would encourage you to not 'push' yourself too hard, sometimes greif needs to creep forward.
I am equally sure your loved ones are proud of who you and all of those good things you do. I welcome reading any other parts of your grief experience that you choose to share on the forum.

Very warmly,
AMT

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Reply by eKIM

20 Nov 2020, 6:04 PM

Hey Brad

First off I must say that losing not one, but two close friends must be so hard. My heart goes out to you. I'm sorry this has happened to you.

I've only ever lost one loved one at a time and that was hard. I can't imagine what you are going through.

I believe that you have done well to reach out to us here in this forum. Not only is it a way for you to "get things off your chest", but you will read a variety of responses.

Even if you do not find all the responses helpful, perhaps just one "nugget" from one person will ring true and help you on your journey. You said that you wanted your friends to be proud of you, in what you accomplish.

Were they mentors to you? Are you acting as a mentor to others? Would you get satisfaction and happiness by showing others what has been shown to you?

In my lifetime I have tried to live by this motto:

"What is one secret of happiness? Go out and perform one random act of kindness. Then think about it - a lot: (it will give you WarmFuzzies). When the feeling wears off, it's a sure sign to go out and do it again."

I wish you happiness, Brad. Love and peace too.

- eKim

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Reply by Brad komar

20 Nov 2020, 6:42 PM

Thank you Amt I found the part of pushing your self too hard very helpful thank you for that

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Reply by Brad komar

20 Nov 2020, 6:53 PM

thank you ekim and not so much mentors but more people I grew with and we learned from each other and I try to set a good example and be a mentor wich I enjoy doing and I enjoy sharing life experiences with others and seeing different points of views

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Reply by eKIM

20 Nov 2020, 7:17 PM

Brad, you seem like a good person.

I believe that good things eventually will happen to good people.

Even though these days seem bad, good will come to you.

Remember just because we cannot see the sun, the sun is still there. It's just the temporary clouds that get in the way.

-eKim

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Reply by SadSandy

21 Nov 2020, 3:14 AM

Hello there Brad!
Im very sorry for your loss.... I can't imagine. I am new to this forum as I lost my mom 8 weeks ago and joined the virtual hospice to share my story and connect with other sympathetic beings! You have come to the right place.

Im glad you are allowing yourself some self care, it's very important at a time like this. The grieving process is very unique to each individual but trying to get through it with as much connection to emotions and moments is what has helped me most. I let my thoughts come and embrace them as see them through to the end. I don't ever squash them down it's important to let them come and go as they please. I don't know how you lost your dad and best friend but losing my mom to cancer (lung and brain) was incredibly difficult and in order to process all I had seen and felt and all my tears and screams I had to visit with the thoughts I had in order to better process them.

Of course the people who loved you would be proud of you and would want the best for you. I believe everyone deserves a grief counselor when They have suffered a traumatic loss. Might I suggest looking into this? I live In QC and it's 10$ to become a member and then I have access to a counselor for two hours a week. This has been an enlightening experience and I love speaking with my counselor. She is wise and unfortunately very experienced in loss. my biggest take away is now normal she makes me feel. Without her guidance I may have thought I was losing my mind. Crying still so much eight weeks later made me wonder if I was ok. But she assures me I am!

i also wouldn't have believed you if you told me i would Be sadder week 6,7 and 8 then I was in the very beginning. But that's my grief journey. Different for everyone!
my advice is to talk, here on the forum, with all loving And understandomg friends and family members and keep talking and letting it out. It may be seem rough now but if you are honest with your feelings you will come out more healed.

Take good care and find purpose in the small things. my heart goes out to you.

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Reply by TrevorL

21 Nov 2020, 5:09 PM

Brad,

Thank you for sharing your experience. I can only imagine losing two close friends and am glad to hear that their sense of pride in you continues on. There is not much I can add beyond what was already said by AMT, EKim and others here. I wish you all the best on the journey and head and am glad you are finding these comments supportive and helpful.

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Reply by Mert

21 Nov 2020, 5:37 PM

Hi Brad,
I think sometimes men have a harder time working through loss and grief than women do because of the old rule "big boys don't cry". Even when you know it's not true it can still be a wedge in your gut blocking the release of sorrow and the natural relief and potential healing that come through tears. My wish for you is that you'll find a balance between your brave determination to get on with your life and the impulse to stop and just sit with your grief and allow it to flow through you. As others have said, the journey is different for everyone but feeling received and understood is important for all of us. So glad you reached out!

Mert

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Reply by eKIM

21 Nov 2020, 6:41 PM

Hi Brad

Can I ask you something? I hope you said, “Yes” lol

Have you tried grief counselling – individual or group?

The reason that I ask is that almost everyone that I have asked has said that they got a lot out of the experience.

The ability to have a professional present is important – especially if you feel “stuck” in your grief journey.

We here (by and large) are not professionals. We are people who have lost loved ones. For me, it is my parents and sister.

A lot of us find our own journey of grief made easier by reaching out to others. Perhaps it is simply “TimeManagement 101”.

The time one spends thinking about others is time not spent thinking about oneself. Who knows?

But whatever the case, we are honoured to be Compassionate Companions for others. I hope that we can be of help to you.

- eKim

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