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Lost my beautiful daughter May 1 2020

Started by ollie1968

18 Jun 2020, 11:44 PM

My birthday is May 2, so I was waiting to hear from my daughter. She had always popped in and out of our lives due to a perscription drug addiction and a permiscuious lifestyle that wasn't good to have around my son. I hadn't heard from her since last May...not unusual for her to do, disappear for months or even for a year. But...she always came back on my birthday. But May 1 2020...that knock...that damn knock on my door at 4:15 pm....I knew as son as the door opened and the two officers standing there. I don't remember the words, I do remember screaming and screaming. She had been partying at a new boyfriend's house while her old boyfriend waited at home for her. And she was discovered in a bed, had passed in her sleep I was told.
Because of covid, no funeral was held and I was only allowed 20 mins to say goodbye to my beautiful girl. Mother's Day I received her ashes in a beautiful urn. Now the what ifs and the maybes are eating me alive and there is no one around me who will let me talk or remember her. Many have told me I need to move on, that she's in a better place. I have packed away her jewellry and her blanket she was found with...I am confused, angry, hurt....

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Reply by Katherine N (Katherine@virtualhospice.ca)

19 Jun 2020, 3:04 AM

Dear Ollie1968,
I am so sorry your beautiful daughter died. I am also very sorry that there are not people you can talk to about her - who she was and memories that are so important to share. The Covid restrictions around gathering and being together, and touching has made grief and loss so much harder.

I have not lost a child I loved and cared for and know that I am not able to understand how you feel. But I have experienced the loss of someone I loved too, my husband. I know feelings of sadness, anger and hurt. How someone so important in life is gone and in a way its like the earth swallowed up any trace of them - except for the hole in my heart. Butterfles remind me of him.

Her jewellry and the blanket sound like real treasures and perhaps even comfort. Are there memories that help you get through the nights?

Katherine

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Reply by vmcdonald

19 Jun 2020, 3:18 PM

Dear Ollie1968
How terribly sad! I'm so sorry you lost your beautiful daughter! These COVID times are doubly cruel. We are isolated and unable to comfort each other when we most need support!

My middle daughter died of cancer when she was nine. Like you, I was also overwhelmed by what ifs and maybes-- of a different kind, probably, but they kept me awake many nights. What if I'd noticed symptoms sooner...what if we'd tried different treatment.....They still come back to torment me, often on birthdays or "death days" but not as often.

I'm so sorry you have no one who will let you talk or remember her. It's hard, but it helped me to remember the happier times before my daughter died-when she was well and even times when we were happy after she got sick. Since you wrote about your daughter here, I wonder if it would help you to write about her in a diary? I kept a journal for each of my children when they were little and after my daughter died, I continued to write in her diary for many years. It was a kind of letter that let me keep talking to her to tell her how much I missed her and what I missed about her. Small comfort, I know, but over time, it helped me a little bit.
Val

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Reply by TrevorL

22 Jun 2020, 12:52 AM

Dear Ollie1968,

I am so sorry for your loss. I can only imagine how it would feel to lose a child and to have your worst fears confirmed. Your experience of frustration, anger, and confusion are understandable, particularly when others will not let you share your experience. The restrictions of COVID have unfortunately, made the experience of mourning and isolation all the more difficult. Sometimes it can just seem incomprehensible.

I have not experienced the loss of a child, but in losing my grandparents, I have taken a great deal of solace in the small items that I have inherited: a letter opener, a book, a model tractor...

It sounds like the beautiful urn you received along with the jewellery and memories carried powerful memories, perhaps some that were positive among the what-ifs and maybes? I am wondering what has brought you solace and strength through the lonely days and nights?

Kind regards,

Trevor Lehmann

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Reply by ollie1968

23 Jun 2020, 11:44 AM

My partner told me seeing me sleeping with my daughters blanket makes him sad, same as wearing her rings. So I packed them away because dealing with my own sadness is difficult enough and I just don't want to deal with his. I've had family members tell me it's time to move on, get over it that I have three other children. They like to remind me my daughter was a perscription drug addict. Almost like they delight in the hurt they cause. So I've cut those people out of my life. I called my sister the night the police notified me and no word of a lie, she says " well wait til you hear what kind of day I had, it was so much worse". Worse?? I was speechless, I actually apologized for bothering her!!

I do keep a journal, I write to my girl and tell her how much she is loved, how much I miss her. But I can't let my grief show when others are around. My son, who is 15, and I talk about her when we are alone. We text each other memories and our sorrow.

We have friends whose son was murdered just before Christmas this year. Last week I stopped by to see how they are doing. The stepmom looked at me and said her loss and grief is more than mine as her stepson was murdered and my girl just overdosed. That was so hurtful!
I dont understand people any more.

I know life goes on, and that I will learn to live with this pain and loss but I am tired.

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Reply by Kim G

23 Jun 2020, 4:31 PM

Dear Ollie1968

I am so sorry and sad to hear about your beautiful daughter passing away. I am also sorry to hear that you are feeling alone in your loss.

My daughter was 19 when she was diagnosed with cancer and 23 when she died. I also have other children and I struggled managing my own grief as well as trying to make sure my children were okay. It is very hard trying to suppress your grief to make it easier on others. Many times I found myself in the position of consoling the person who was supposed to be consoling me. I have known people who struggle with what to say and sometimes avoid using her name thinking if they say it I will break down in front of them. That couldn't be further from the truth. I love hearing her name and when she comes up in conversation it makes me smile as she is not forgotten.

There is no time frame for grief. A friend of mine who lost her teenage daughter to a car accident told me you never get over it but it does get easier. I have found this to be true. I will have days where I find joy in so many things and now I don't feel guilty about feeling happy. I know my daughter (Karalee) would want me to smile and enjoy life again. I will never forget her and I talk to her daily but there was a time when I thought how can I be happy when Karalee is dead.

I don't know if you are aware of the grief support services that Palliative Manitoba have. They have a telephone bereavement program where you are matched with a volunteer who is trained, compassionate and wanting to help as you work through the pain of your grief. They also have breavement seminars that once this COVID thing is under control will be started back up again in person. All of there services are free and I have found to be very helpful.

I am so sorry you do not have the opportunity to share your pain with your friends and family. However, having your son to share memories with is wonderful and I'm sure helpful to both of you.

The grief of losing your beautiful daughter will be with you forever but please know that time does make it a little easier

Hugs to you from another mom who has lost a beautiful daughter.

Kim

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