Discussion Forums

After 1 year I thought I made it then the Virus hit

Started by Nors

16 Jun 2020, 8:58 PM

I lost my mom and 8 months later my brother died. I thought thst I had survived but since the virus hit, I feel thrown backwards. The fear of another loss is crippling...
I feel just plain sad

Report this post

Reply by Katherine N (Katherine@virtualhospice.ca)

17 Jun 2020, 4:08 PM

The baseball analogy “three strikes and you’re out’ popped into my head when I read your post. It seems almost inevitable to me that having Covid threaten the world so soon after the loss of two irreplaceable family members would leave you feeling overwhelmed and full of anxiety about what bad thing is going to happen next.

I think everyone everywhere feels overwhelming fear at times as we hear of people getting terribly ill or dying from Covid. Not that knowing others are experiencing something similar makes the fear you’re feeling any less! Just that it may help to remember you’re not alone.

Grief is unpredictable too. It’s almost four years since I lost my mother but I still have moments when the sadness washes over me and the tears come. I find that what helps is to breathe through these moments and keep putting one foot in front of the other.

I have trouble reaching out when I feel sad and vulnerable but when I push myself to do it I usually find it helps to have someone to talk to. Do you have family or friends that you can share memories of you mother and brother with?

(Posting for Merte)

Report this post

Reply by Nors

17 Jun 2020, 4:30 PM

That is a good analogy! Thank you for your kind words, it is a nice reminder that a person is not alone.

I think I am surprised by my lack of coping skills, I lost another brother 9 years ago and suffered my second stroke 3 years ago. So, unfortunately I have a little experience with coping. ( I don't intend to sound dramatic, just sheding a little light on my situation ) My usual tool box of coping skills is not working as well. Hence, reaching out to others who know the pain I feel.

I am also surprised that after 1 year and 3 months I am still mourning...I know there is no time limit but Man, do I feel Off. Grief truly is unpredictable.

Yes, I have family and friends to share memories with and often do. I also pull away when feeling sad and your are right talking helps!

Report this post

Reply by Katherine N (Katherine@virtualhospice.ca)

17 Jun 2020, 11:11 PM

Hi Nors, I am again posting for Merte as she does not have access to posting right now.

Thanks so much for sharing some more of what you’ve been through in the past decade. I don’t hear it at all as you being dramatic; you’ve experienced many challenges and losses, and the first word that comes to me in response to your story is ‘courage’. You must have a lot of that to keep pushing forward and reaching out in the face of ongoing grief and fear.

I think losing one’s mother is not something we get past overnight. We only get one mother and when my Mom died it didn’t matter that she was old and sick, I still wasn’t ready to let her go. Her passing left me feeling orphaned and profoundly sad.

I do agree that talking helps and I’m wondering whether you might be prepared to share a little about what’s in your tool box of coping skills. They may not be working so well right now but they are potential resources and In sharing we can perhaps learn from one another.
Merte

Report this post

Reply by Nors

19 Jun 2020, 5:05 PM

Good morning, I hope that both of you are well.

Yesterday was my mom's birthday, she would have been 91. Thankfully, I am at peace with my mom's passing. She had Alzhimers and the process was a long good bye.

My brother is another story for another day.

As far as my tool box of coping skills, I will share them gladly. If only one person finds comfort in them that would be wonderful. I spend a lot of time in nature, gardening indoors and out, walking or skiing. When I am outdoors I make sure to be aware of my surrounding. Listen to the birds, smell the flowers or enjoy the sun. I really practiced self care in the past year, I went for massages, took hot baths with music and candles. Read lots of book, including one called " it's ok that you are not ok"
When all else fails, I do something for someone else, that normally is easy but when you are mourning it can be difficult. I make a batch of biscuit for a friend or share a plant that I love.

Nors

Report this post

Reply by Mert

20 Jun 2020, 7:09 PM

Nors, I so identify with your love of natur. I have a little cottage that I spend as much time as possible staying in during the summer. Being surrounded by trees and near water feeds my soul. As I'm sure you've experienced we live in a culture that is very uncomfortable with death and grief; we're given a few days to mourn and then are expected to resume 'business as usual'. I ihink what that does is drive the grief underground. Sometimes when I can spend time in nature I initially feel even more heavy and dragged down by tears and sadness but I've learned to stay with the feelings because letting them loose ultimately moves me to a more authentic and peaceful place.

I love all your other coping ideas also. Self-pampering is so appropriate when we are struggling to heal from loss. and the idea of doing something for another even when it feels so hard to get through the drag of inertia to do it....that's brilliant.

A friend of mine who suffered traumatic and tragic losses told me that she discovered if she could just find one small thing to be grateful for when she first woke in the morning---the feel of the sheets on her skin, the antics of a squirrel on the tree outside her bedroom window---then she could find the strength to get out of bed and face the day. That's coping at its most raw. I'm still mulling over the role of gratitude in healing the heart. Do you have thoughts about that?

Mert
.

Report this post

Reply by Nors

21 Jun 2020, 12:01 AM

Hi Mert,
We are cut from the same cloth :) I am always hesitant to use the word, present but it's really just paying attention to your surroundings Or stopping to smell the roses.
Everyone is uncomfortable with grief and it's exactly what you said " a few days to mourn " I am one of those people who express how they feel. I can't tell you how many time I have heard 'No, tell us how you really feel".
This past year has been very hard, I have never been sadder. My brother's death was a huge loss. I didn't reconize myself and although I embraced my grief and allowed myself to be sad, I could not shake the weight of grief. Facing the day was exhausting! I started to work part time at a little coffee shop, I asked if I could take care of their garden. After the summer, I asked if I could move the outside in and added over 30 plants to their shop. Nature saved me! I was so very grateful every day, so yes I believe gratitude helps heal the heart and soul.
Thank you so much for this lovely discussion!
nors

Report this post

Reply by Mert

22 Jun 2020, 3:15 AM

Nors, I so admire your intrepid spirit, the way you challenge yourself to engage with life even when your own life force is drained to such a low ebb by grief.

i am an only child so I don't have firsthand experience of either having a sibling or losing one. I'm thinking the losing might have a similar impact to the death of a child insofar as both destroy our naive expectation that it is just in the generation ahead of ours that will die. I wish I understood this better. I don't want you to feel pressured to tell me about the impact on you of losing two siblings but in the spirit of our shared belief that talking helps this is something we might at some point be able to talk about.

I've been reflecting a lot lately on my family history and the number of tragic losses there have been over time. I suspect that grief is cumulative in two ways: first when one loss follows another as you're experiencomg now, which seems not to simply add to but somehow multiply the sorrow creating a overarching cloud of grief; the second is the family legacy of unprocessed emotions and in shed tears that get passed down to us and are triggered by current losses thereby greatly increasing their impact.

That last idea may seem a bit 'way out' to you; I feel a level of connection to and comfort with you (as you say, cut from the same cloth) that makes it feel OK to risk sharing and I look forward to hearing what you think.

Mert

Report this post

Reply by Nors

22 Jun 2020, 4:48 PM

Hello Mert, I must admit that it was self preservation that dictated most of my grieving actions, although I do appreciate the compliment.

I can't even imaging how difficult it would be to lose a child, every loss is different and every person experiences it differently. I am not sure if that is your loss but what ever it was, my heart goes out to you.

I am hesitant to share my history, there has been a great deal of tragedy and sharing it almost makes me embarrassed. It seems like there is always something..... it is were I learned about resilience.

I am the youngest of 5 and the first time I realized there were different way of grieving was when my father died. I was young, only 27, he died in a boating accident. It was shocking, each one of us reacted uniquely. Again, I witnessed the contrast when my older brother passed. Just 3 weeks from the time he was diagnosed with cancer until he died.
It was at that time I could predict my response....both negative and positive.

I find your observations about cummlative deaths interesting. I am always open for new ideas and insights.

Not enough time has passed for me to be able to look back on this experience, I am still very much with in it. When you are able to reflect on events, that is when a great deal of understanding takes place.
Nors

Report this post

Reply by Mert

23 Jun 2020, 9:21 PM

Nors, I was reading an article by someone who had firsthand experience with Elisabeth Kubler Ross who wrote so much about death and grieving. Her main contribution was to normalize what she called the five stages; what this other author (name escapes me) was saying is that he discussed with Elisabeth before her death the addition of a sixth stage, called 'making meaning'.That sounds to me very close to what you're describing as looking back, reflecting and reaching an understanding. When we can find meaning in our experience of loss we can move towards making peace with it.

In my experience the 'stages' are not sequential but more like a discordant symphony with different feelings breaking through at different time. The sense of coming out the other side has always seemed unpredictable, like a tiny spurt of joy in response to a beautiful flower or a kindness from a friend that's gone in an instant and then breaks through the gloom again unexpectedly but this time stays a little longer until we gradually regain a balance of light and dark.
in our everyday lives.

so the recovery from grief is both mental and emotiona, probably physical and spiiritual too. No wonder it can take a long time to resolve!

No pressure to share your family's story. I've been thinking a lot lately about shame; I can't figure out ehat good purpose it serves in our lives. Do parents these days still say to their children "you should be ashamed of yourself"? However we learn it shame seems to get in the way of healing because it makes us afraid to be seen. I'm working on that in my life because it makes me withdraw and hide just when I most need to reach out. That's probably where part of my admiration for you comes from; however tempted you've been to go to ground you have pushed yourself to engage with the world, including taking the initiative to begin this conversation with me which I really appreciate! Mert

Report this post

Enter your email address (the one you used when you joined Canadian Virtual Hospice). We will email you a new password right away.

Email Address:

Become a Member

As a member of the Canadian Virtual Hospice, you can ask a question confidentially on Ask a Professional and contribute to the Discussion Forums. Join for free now to connect and share with others.

Discussion Forum members receive a monthly newsletter. You also have the option to sign up for the Canadian Virtual Hospice monthly newsletter.

Please fill in the information below.

Nickname:*

You will be known to other users only by your nickname. You do not need to reveal your identity by using your full name, real name or email address. Choose a nickname that is easy for you to remember.

Email Address:*

Your email will not be visible on the Virtual Hospice website. We will NOT sell, distribute or misuse your email address.

Password:*

Confirm Password:*

Country: