My mom died 6 months, 5 days ago.  She died <suddenly> from a rare disease, Creutzfeldt-Jakob Disease.  Symptom onset to passing took 8 weeks. She was healthy. She was 61.  It is a disgusting and horrific disease. My sister and I stayed with her 24-7 from the moment she was admitted to hospital until she took her dying breath.  17 days in hospital. To watch her painfully die was traumatic. We felt woefully under-supported as she progressed with the disease. Here, 188 days later, it still feels so unreal, so raw and it has been an extraordinarily challenging time.

Losing mom was tough enough.  As I stated, she was healthy (running circles around her grandkids, working 3 jobs, gardening, painting, etc) and 8 weeks later gone.  She left no will, had some significant financial difficulties needing immediate attention and my brother has really struggled (mental health, threatening, aggressive behaviour), magnifying the difficulty of it all.  My parents are long divorced. Being the oldest child, I have taken on all of the responsibility - funeral, sorting out immediate and pressing financial issues (mom's property was about to be seized), conversing with medical staff regarding mom's care, improvements and recommendations (since it is so very rare), preparing to converse with medical surveillance to document her progression and health history, navigating legal to obtain the authority to manage mom's estate (still in progress), managing my brother and the damn list just goes on.  I am so tired. I feel so broken.

For the last 6 months, I have been rushing around problem-solving and putting out fire after fire.  It feels like I haven’t even begun to really grieve for my mom. Today is her birthday. It is also my daughter’s birthday.  I am pretty good at masking, putting on a smile and navigating work and life. Yesterday and today have proven to be more difficult.  Yesterday, I broke down and cried like I never have before. I sat on our back deck and cried and cried. I figured I’d take deep breaths and return to watching a movie with husband and daughter.  I couldn’t do it. I moved to the bathroom and sat on the floor and sobbed and sobbed. I don’t even know for how long.

I’d be remiss if I didn’t acknowledge the immense support I’ve received from my family doctor and the therapist she recommended in her office.  I don’t know how I might have navigated this without these two. I am so very grateful.

Today is so hard.  I am trying to be joyful for my daughter’s 11th birthday.  ...paint a happy face. But, it really hurts to not have my mom alive today.  Reality is starting to seep in. Mom and I had a challenging relationship. So, grieving for the loss of my mom is compounded by grieving for the relationship we weren’t able to build and never will.  I just quite simply miss my mom. I am typically a very organized person, and remain so, but am feeling overwhelmed with estate and family struggles.

Hi CDP.  I read your posting and it reminded me of my own struggles when my mother passed away many years ago and my sister passed away last year.

I still reflect on the “unresolved issues” that occurred with my mother and my sister when they were alive.  It can be a lifetime challenge, but it doesn’t have to remain negative.  Love and forgiveness of others and ourselves is a wonderful exercise in personal growth.  Even through tragedy, we can become finer human beings.  I have been working on, and I continue to work on this wondrous dynamic.

I see several very positive steps, CDP that act as markers on your grief journey.  First is the fact that you have reached out for professional help.  These professionals are highly trained and know what they are doing.  If you find a good one and you feel comfortable with them, stick with them for as long as you need to.

Another thing that is positive is that you are telling and sharing your story here on VirtuaHospice.  While there are professional people here as well. However many people here on Virtual Hospice are people who are on their own grief journey. 

Even though they may not have the professional credentials, they have life experiences that have led them to a place where they have found a way to lighten their own burden by helping others lighten theirs.  Don’t ask me how this works, but it seems to work, at least in my experience.

Telling one’s story can be a cathartic experience.  We somehow feel a wee bit better after unburdening our souls through the spoke or written word.  Also, when we feel the compassionate care of others who are on their own journey, it buoys our spirits by reminding us that there are good and kind people in this world.  And that we are not alone.

The “good” cry that you experienced was (I believe) a very necessary part of your grief journey.  Don’t be surprised if it occurs again and again.  Experts tell us that keeping one’s feelings bottled up can have harmful emotional, psychological and even physical consequences.  So you did well in “letting it flow”. 

Keep checking back on this site from time to time, CDP.  No one can “fix” things but we can be a companion for a while on this journey that you are on.

In the very best sense of the words, I wish you Love, Joy, Peace and Patience.

- Ekim

It’s nice to hear from you CP.  Even though you don't have your counsellor anymore, I hope that we – here at virtualhospice.ca - can be a comfort to you.

I would imagine that accomplishing all the work at the farm must have been emotionally difficult.  But at the same time, I hope you feel a sense of accomplishment and that you are proud of yourself.

“Keeping busy” is a grief coping mechanism that many people use, but some people over-use it to the detriment of their health. 

I hope that you are able to slow down a bit and recuperate.  Your family needs you – healthy.   

It’s interesting how time and generations cause us to see life differently.  In my case, I had a great mom but my dad, well – “not so much”. 

When I got married and had children, I realized that our parents can teach us what to do – sure.  But they also provide us with valuable lessons in what not to do.

Through the example of my Mom, I have become a very loving, dedicated parent – at least that’s what my kids tell me, anyway.  Lol

Through the example of my dad, I have realized that alcohol and infidelity can ruin everything.  Thank God I have been able to avoid both.

I didn’t mean to make this posting “all about me”.  I just wanted to share with you how through examples (good and bad), my parents have helped me become the best “me I can be”.

My daughters are all grown up.  Now it’s grandkids for me to fuss over. 

Your 11-year-old daughter is lucky to have you as such a kind, tender and loving mom.

She is learning much about love, observing how much you love your mother. 

How you successfully (and you will) pull through will be an important life-lesson for her.

Your love and dedication in raising her will be a great honour and dedication, and one of the sweetest things that you can ever do for your mom. 

She’s looking down, smiling – even at me, this perfect stranger – saying, “Thanks for reaching out to my baby, eKim.  I was talking to your mom over on Cloud 9 and she told me what a good boy you are.”  My mom is a real chatterbox.  She’ll talk to anyone, anytime, anywhere – even on the “other side”.

- Love, joy, peace and hope.

- eKim

Ps, Yes, I did tear up writing this.  It always happens when mom taps me on the shoulder like this.

Pps  You said, “It’s beautiful to write.”  Yes, it is CP. 

It is cathartic

Everyone needs healing of some sort.  All of us.

It is self-edifying. 

Through the laying out of our own words, we learn things about ourselves that we “knew” but somehow we “forgot that we knew”.  It is amazing how far this hidden self-knowledge can bring us along our path of healing. 

Sometimes we think that all the answers lie outside of us.  Perhaps we would do well to remember the message given to Dorothy in the Wizard of Oz,  “You had the power all along, my dear,”