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Lost my Soulmate

Started by Vkp70

30 Mar 2020, 3:05 AM

I lost my soulmate and best friend of 32 years. It was six weeks ago. There have been days, I felt human again. But today, was like the evening I held her hand as she passed. I can't see this getting easier. I am broken. I don't know how to deal.

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Reply by Katherine N (Katherine@virtualhospice.ca)

30 Mar 2020, 3:05 PM

Dear Vkp70

Vkp70 we can never really understand another persons loss and grief but sometimes we can come alongside and walk with them. I hope you find this forum is a place where people walk with you. My deep sympathy to you in your loss and sadness.

Barbcurt wrote on Just Don't Know Anymore

"One day at a time with reluctant acceptance. The pain will continue but be dimished by plesant memories."

I don't want to pry but I found after my husband died that sometimes others didn't mention his name or talk about him and I wanted to talk about him and tell them who he was and what a great guy Henry was. Can you tell me more about your soulmate and best friend and how you met?

Sending virtual hugs,
Katherine

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Reply by Vkp70

30 Mar 2020, 9:33 PM

Thank you for your kind words. We met as children actually and attended the same church groups. When I was 18, we became inseparable. We have been living together for the past 20 years. She was on dialysis for past 13 years and had just went through valve replacement surgery. On day three, her heart failed. We really thought she would pull through. I'm broken. Thankfully I have friends who allow me to talk about her as much as I want. Others avoid it. I just feel like a burden talking to them so much. Always the downer.

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Reply by barbcurt

02 Apr 2020, 11:22 PM

Hi Vkp70

I am truly sorry to hear of your loss. I just wanted to reach out and let you know you are not alone. I lost my wife just a little over 17 months ago. We were together to short a time also. It was 28 years and one month to the day from when we met until we parted.

I understand how hopes can be dashed when you are expecting things to be okay when in hospital. When my wife passed away, it was in the hospital. I was with her that evening. When she drifted off to sleep, I went home fully expecting to see her again. It was a couple hours later that I got the call. I was devastated beyond words.

Everyone was very supportive in my time of need but, like you, I felt like I was a burden. No one ever said so but it was simply how I felt. Many offered advice trying to be helpful. They mean well but no one understands your grief. Each person grieves in their own way. Take whatever advice works for you and dismiss the rest. Truly, you are the only one who knows what you are truly feeling.

One little thing that over time has seemed to help me is talking about her. At first I could not do this without losing my grip and, lets just say, getting a little emotional. But I have found that remembering her by talking about our life together helps trigger some memories of the good times. Just little things like "we used to do that' or 'my wife would make that'. Just basically including her as part of my normal conversation. She may be gone but she will always be with me. I have to hang on to that and cherish every memory that I can recall.

Please bear with me as this still hurts so much. I can't type any more right now but I hope this offers you some comfort and hope.

Be well and remember your grief is your own and only you know how you feel. Just try to do your best.

Barbcurt

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Reply by mgb

10 Apr 2020, 6:48 PM

Hi Vkp70
A first name would be nice if your open to that.
Below I posted on "not allowed to grieve", I hope there is some value for you.
Wow So many things mentioned in the five or so posts above.
Many people are relieved when they discover grieving styles, some of us lean toward being an "emotional griever", we express our grief openly, tend to cry alot. Others are "cognitive grievers", they are more the doers, want to keep busy, tend to handle what needs to be done, do not show their grief, their emotion, it does NOT mean they are not grieving. It is hard to understand those that grieve the opposite to how you grieve. Be kind, give space.
Some people write to their loved one, short daily notes or longer letters.
Others get value from reading about grief, expanding their knowledge, Alan Wolfelt is one of many great authors, with books that will address your specific loss, check out your local library.
Look for grief groups in your area, only those that have had a loss and espcially a similar loss can say, " I understand, I get it." For many a grief group was the best thing they could have done.
Don't be surprised how long grief lasts, I would say that my grief will never end, it will change, I can still live a joyful life. Find the support and do the work to actively grieve, avoidance does not work.
In our society so many people don't know how to support you, feel uncomfortable. Don't be surprised when good friends aren't there for you. I didn't judge, I shared with a few that I was hurt by their lack of support, asked for what I wanted, had a conversation, yes it was scary but worthwhile. You choose, surround yourself with those that are positive in life, that are good to around, avoid the others.

You can't rush grief or put a time line, just like you shouldn't avoid it, do the work, take little breaks (avoidance). Find what works for you, try things out, if they don't work, try other things. Advice from those that have never suffered a deep loss although well intended is usually not so good, sometimes hurtful. A little counselling from a professional that has a strong background around grief work can really help, worth a try anyways.
All my best, big hug.
Mike

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Reply by barbcurt

10 Apr 2020, 7:29 PM

Hello my friends

Unfortunately grief knows no time restrictions or boundaries. I lost my wife just almost 18 months ago. I am still reeling with the feelings that I encounter. I have no sage advice. All I have been able to do is fight my way through. Doing what I must to survive. If I were to let go, I am sure that would be the end of me. At times now, I can see that Iam improving. Not crying each day, although little things can still set me off. Just gotta keep struggling and hope for the best.

Quite the pep talk eh. Sorry. It always helps to talk to others. Keep posting and don't ever give upl

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Reply by Mark99

22 Apr 2020, 6:51 PM

Donna my wife died August 2011. I have written and posted and podcasted and more about my loss, my love, and my grief. My grief is a wound that has allowed light in. It has given me knowledge, understanding, and a bigger capicity to love. A bigger capicity to see and feel even now all that we were. All the memories that slam into my heart and mind like random waves become tiny LEDs of knowledge about us, her, me, and more. They light me from within.

Her death in and of itself was not important. Everything dies. Donna was important. What we had and what we were was important. How she made me feel about me was important. How I cared for her during her illness was important. How I loved her was important. I will never close my heart over Donna. I will close my heart to her death. Death doesn’t matter. I will not close my heart to her, us, we, the world, and life. With an open heart I seek small outcomes that I value.

We share a common grief journey. Be well.

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Reply by barbcurt

06 Oct 2020, 1:56 AM

Hello all

My name is Curtis of barbcurt. I am approaching the two year aniversary of my dear wife's passing. About a week away and I am pretty much toast. I just think it is of some importance that we take time to remember our loved ones who have passed. My Barbara is still in my heart. She was the best of me. Sorry guys, starting to ball. Be well, be safe, and do what you must to be strong.

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Reply by mgb

06 Oct 2020, 2:16 AM

Hi Curtis
I am Mike of the MGB handle.
Of couse it is important to remember, to celebrate our loved ones. She will ALWAYS be in your heart. To have friends that can and are willing to share their memories. I had a good friend say " I often think of memories and stories about Scott but don't share because I don't want to make you sad." I replied you can't make me any sadder but whether I laugh or cry or both, I always want to hear the stories. So I had given her permission and it really struck me that even a good friend needed that.
Many have told me and as I have experienced the lead up to is often worse than the day of, whether that be anniversary of death, their birthday, your wedding day, Christmas etc, etc.
I suggest to make a plan, have a backup and if you change at the last minute, so be it. It has worked for us and many others. If you bail on others, they will understand.
It would be so good if you had a grief group that you could meet with, now CoVid has messed that up, but even an online group would be better than nothing. I hope you have a few good friends that you can share with.

Two years is such a short time. I hope you have fond memories, I hope you can shed a tear of laughter ablut her as well as the tears of sadness.

Hugs,
Mike

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Reply by eKIM

06 Oct 2020, 8:51 PM

Hello BarbCurt and Others,

I would love to address this to the others on this thread as well as to you Curtis.

First of all, I have to say that (because everyone’s Journey of Healing is different) that I have no idea of the emotions that you are feeling. But I offer you support and encouragement.

I have been a hospice resident & family support volunteer for 10 years. People have taught me so, so much.

One of the main things that I have learned is this human dynamic:

All of us at virtualhospice.ca are here to listen, compassionately. Compassionate Companions, if you will.

I am here to listen, compassionately.

My wife and I are both happy and healthy. But at 72 years old, that will change, as it does for us all, eventually. Either me or her. I hope I go first, but we have no “say”, do we?

So why do I do what I do? Well, I believe that everyone will need a helping hand, eventually. So, I suppose, I’m sort of “paying it forward”

BarbCurt: I love the handle. It’s eternal, isn’t it? I have used MiGlo for the combo-name of my wife and I.

I don’t know if you feel the same, but I feel that when we suffer the loss of a SoulMate/LifePartner that we suffer two losses.

For instance, When John loses Mary, he loses Mary. But he also loses John and Mary. People say things like, “John and Mary are coming over to play cards tonight. Three entities will arrive.

A good friend of ours says that she loves to sit back and watch the interplay/personal dynamics between my wife and me. That interplay does not exist in isolation.

So what do you think - everyone? Am I “out on a limb” here? Or do others feel the same way? Please share. Share your story, Share your dynamic. Share your thoughts. Share your ideas. Share your journey. It enriches us all.

- Love, joy, peace, patience.

- eKim

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