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Feeling of Quilt

Started by Naddy

05 Feb 2018, 8:20 PM

My mom passed away almost two weeks ago from brain cancer. I took her to Palliative Care on a Tues for pain and symptoms. They were going to adjust her steroid meds to see if that would help her They decided to keep her 24 hours Her first medication she swallowed herself by her second dosage she could no longer swallow although she could still talk to me. She was finally sedated for extreme agitation. After six days she passed away. I always question myself, if I I had brought her to the ER department would things have been different? Did she die because she had no fluids and no food? I can't forgive myself that my actions may have caused my mom to pass away. Even my sister questioned was she really palliative upon admission and said that had I taken her to the hospital our mother would still be alive and not dying in front of us. (She has since said she was sorry for what she said.) Sadly, I left the hospital that night for the first time and my mother passed away two hours later and I wasn't there. I am heartbroken.

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Reply by Tsunami living

10 Feb 2018, 7:24 PM

To Naddy, I am sorry for your recent loss.
My wife and I both have medical backgrounds. We too talk about case files that are/were complicated. Whether the patient is terminal from an illness or a traumatic injury you always run through your mind the steps you took to prolong theif life. Doing even little things like running an I.V on a near death patient can prolong their time left. But who are you doing that for, the barely conscious/comatose patient in pain or for the family that is not ready for their passing...
There is a group of medical professionals that believe in the final stage of death all fluids should be removed or disconnected to allow the end to resolve quicker.
Naddy one thing to remember is that all these steps we plan and try to do is to a moot point.
The patient themselves usually has the last word even if they are no longer able to speak. You know Personally of your loss while you were not at the bed side of your Mom.
The stories are endless told by medical staff who have seen this. Patients waiting for a family member for hours or days because of the distance of travel time only to die within hours of their arrival. Countless Patients have died in the night or moments after visiting hours has ended or when the family member steps out for a bight to eat.
I believe some unconscious patient can hear or feel their loved ones close and sometimes decide their death will be less painful on those left behind if they pass away during the families absence.

I can tell by your words your a caring daughter who has a great love for her Mother. I believe strongly your Mother felt your immense love you shared.

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Reply by Naddy

10 Feb 2018, 9:35 PM

Thank you for your reply. It really meant a lot. I am just wondering
whereas, I brought my mom in for pain and symptom, to include a medication adjustment. She was aware of her surroundings when I brought her in, so how could she suddenly have only days to live? Can symptoms really spiral downwards so suddenly ? I wasn't there when this change in her happened. I was in the emergency room with my brother who also has cancer.
I am just so confused.

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Reply by Tsunami living

10 Feb 2018, 11:00 PM

Hello Naddy, I have no doubts you have many questions especially since the short time line of your Mom’s passing. I too have many questions. My wife is 46 a non smoker, vegetarian, never took drugs never drank- ever. But that does not change that she is palliative stage four.
We may never know the answers to this and other questions we have and we have little we can do with the answer.
As you know the the human body is an extremely complicated being. Some of its mysteries will never be exposed. It does not come with guarantees or warranties. Yes sadly because of that babies brothers sisters Moms and Dads cousins and friends die. I know the loved ones left behind of those people have questions too.
We are left to bare witness to to their passing without blame, either by their side or not. More importantly we need to remember who they are, what they ment and the love and kindness they brought into our hearts And lives. That is the most important question.

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Reply by mgb

17 Feb 2018, 7:37 PM

Hi Tsunami Living
The whys are so very common and natural as we grieve and of course the answers are rare. I was curious if your wife has lung cancer. Radon gas in our homes causes 18% of lung cancers in Canada.

Hi Nadi
Guilt is very common in greiving and does not even have to make sense, things out of ones control.
Guilt is a poison, it must be met head on and resolved. Ask yourself about your intent. Ask yourself would your mom want you to be carrying this grief. You did the best you could in the situation and with the knowledge you had. Focus on mourning her loss, sharing the memories and continue to go your relationship with her, even though she is no longer physically with you.

To both of you, in Clagary, the Bob Gaslgow Grief Centre has an amazing program.
Alan Wolfelt is one of many great writers on grief.

Actively do the work of greiving and you will sing and dance again.

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Reply by Tsunami living

17 Feb 2018, 11:30 PM

Thank you mgb for your insight. I can not say for sure about the radon gas as we live in a place with very low radon issues. My wife has neuroendocrin-carcinoid cancer. She has lived well passed the clinical time line so is now in the small group of the 10% that live past the 90% that don’t.
Because it is a cancer that few cancer patients get we were told from day one that there is no search being done for a cure. The best outcome for future people with this cancer is that other studies find a helful link which may help.
I think for my wife this was one of the harder things to accept. I believe she finds some peace with this by sharing her medical condition and daily/weekly patient record shared with our provincial cancer clinic For future patients and Oncologists.

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Reply by mgb

17 Feb 2018, 11:42 PM

I wish you and your wife well in this challenging time. Since your in this website it means you are active in taking steps and learning many tools to guide you in your journey. I volunteered for a few months in a Hospice and my grief journey started in July of 2011 (how time does fly) .

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