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Struggling.

Started by young&confused

21 Jan 2015, 12:28 AM

On my nineteenth birthday I met this man. He was 24. He harrassed me until i fell as in love with him as he had me on that night. It took about a month to accept all of these intense feelings he was bringing out in me. He would tell me the first week we met that he loved me, the second week he was saying he would marry me one day. I was blessed to know him for nine months.
I would have married him, I loved him, I do love him. I am only 21...
He was buying us a house, i had just finished college, I had found a job in the town he had grown up in and didnt want to leave, I couldnt think of anything better than being with him in our space, just loving each other.
We got into a fight over something extremely stupid and I dropped him off at his house and went to my mums in the next town over... The next morning, as usual, I called him, and i called and i called and then i called his mum who told me he had gone out last night. So i kept calling and calling and callin, until work was done and I drove back to my home town about half an hour away. I was sitting on the couch around 6 pm, feeding my 2 month old neice when the police officer came to the door to tell me he had been found at his friends house. Thats all that they would disclose to me, he had been found dead at his friends house and that his mother had sent them to tell me. I love his mum, I love his whole family.

He had drank too much, he had fallen asleep on his back on buddies couch and he had suffocated.

Its been a year and a half now.
I quit my job last week because leaving the house is becoming more difficult than it has ever been before. I just feel sick all the time, not like the 6 months immediatly after when i lost 40 pounds and alienated everybody. The hole in my chest isnt as painful but it is still very significantly there. I have been trying and trying and trying to be someone that he would be proud of. Someone strong and unstoppable. I moved to the big city, I met an amazingly supportive man that simply does everything in his power for me. I started working trades jobs because thats where the money is...

Im just breaking down though, I dont know what to do anymore.
Everything is jsut so overwhelming.

I miss him more than I could have ever even imagined I could.

Help.

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Reply by KathCull_admin

21 Jan 2015, 3:00 AM

Hi Young and Confused,
Welcome to our community. What a powerful story. As you say you were very blessed to know him and to share love.

Although some might say it’s been a year and a half already – members of this community would recognize that it’s only been a year and a half.

There are others in this community who understand firsthand the grief and sadness in losing a. You may want to read Missie’s thread having hard time dealing with boyfriend gone..

Have you been able to talk about your grief and sadness with anyone in your circle of friends and family? Do you have a doctor or other healthcare professional you could talk to?

Katherine

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Reply by missie

22 Jan 2015, 9:29 AM

to y/c:
Oh, I feel what you are saying. how do I even start how I know what you are saying.
It has been 7 months for me, my boyfriend/hubby since he has been gone.I get the weight loss, myself too, and most importantly, the alienation, as no one can get how you feel, at the end of the day they all go home to their families, and we are left alone in our feelings. the hole is very very there..I think you feel bad that you had that argument and wish things could have been different and you feel you wish you could have changed the outcome,but sht!! you can not forecast what can happen. The point is, I am still feeling just as bad you are, and wish the same! Can you maybe, in your area, find a support group? I can not find one here, and am in a big city! I still feel very alone in what is going on, and day to day, try to keep going. Do not feel a year and 1/2 is too long to grieve,

I KNOW it will take me a lot longer than that and I hate it!! Being sad everyday is big time hard, Being unable to reach out to others in my big city makes it even harder. I havent been on here for awhile, but seeing your post made me want to respond, and I wish you strength. Avoid people for now that say what you should do...you do what you want to do..because they don't understand grief. Only we do.

You take ALL the time you want to grieve. We get it. Virtual Hugs...Missy.

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Reply by KathCull_admin

24 Jan 2015, 4:44 PM

Hi
I have been thinking about you the past few days young&confused. Missie said it so well.

Katherine

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Reply by JennJilks

25 Jan 2015, 3:35 PM

This is a difficult time of your life. Most of us experience death through the grief of losing grandparents, when our parents can be role models for the greiving process. This is not always the case.

I don't think we should give a sudden death, like this, the power to control our daily lives. This young man would not wish it so. You really could us someone to talk to, not just in this forum (although is has proven helpful!).

Sometimes, a sudden death simply exacerbates issues we already have been facing. Caring for my failing parents threw me into a sever depression. I sought counselling and my doctor prescribed antidepressant, which hs proven a cure for me.
You are young. You have learned many lessons on this journey we call life. This is a time to reach out and get the help you need. I did. I am so grateful.

He is, I believe, in a better place where all is forgiven. I firmly believe this. If these memories about your fight enter your mind, recognize them, then let them go.
Hold onto th joy you felt when you first met him.
I was sent a book to review, and it is something that might help you. If you like, I can send it to you. You can email me privately with your address. jennifer.jilks@gmail.com
It was written by a mom who lost her beautiful teenaged daughter suddenly and written for. and with, her other adult children.

Book Review: Tomorrow Comes

Tomorrow Comes is a daring coming-of-age book (A bildungsroman) – the first in a new series – in which an ordinary teenager must come to terms with her own mortality, the loss of all she once knew, and an other-worldly set of rules. The results are dark and uplifting, heart-breaking and humorous, poignant and poetic.

Based on a true story of love and family, grief and joy, Tomorrow Comes (Starshine Galaxy, 2014) is inspired by the sudden and unexpected death of author Donna Mebane’s own daughter.

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Reply by Dar64

26 Jan 2015, 9:13 PM

Young & Confused,

I am not sure where you live but try contacting the V.O.N (victorian order of nurses) or your local hospice as they do offer berevement councelling free of charge. I know i start berevement on Wed here in owen sound ontaro. They usually like people to wait 6 months, but are willing to let me start anyway, i just think it will be helpful to be around people who have experienced the same loss. Everything is so fresh for me, but what people do not understand is i have been grieving for so long, since my husbands diagnoses. Anything is worth a try to comprehend or learn new ways to deal with the huge gapping hole that is left in our hearts, and our soul feels so hollow. The loneliness, the bouts of crying, the memories, how we question ourselves. I think talking to others who have been where we all are understand more than talking to family and friends who have not experienced such a huge loss. I truly hope this helps!!

Love & Hugs

Dar

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Reply by KathCull_admin

26 Jan 2015, 9:40 PM

Hi
Dar I am glad you are able to take part in the bereavement support group - and I am glad that you are able to share your feelings and support with the community. As you and Missie have said, you have experienced huge losses - it will take time to grieve and rest.

Is the bereavement group through the Owen Sound VON?

Has there been any resolution in your housing concerns?

So good to hear from you.
Katherine

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Reply by Dar64

28 Jan 2015, 4:13 AM

Hi KathCull,

The berevement support group is through the V.O.N in owen sound jointly with the hospice and Rev. Huff..

I actually got us moved and Ron loved going outside on good days, i would push his wheelchair where ever he wanted to go. The first night i decided to take him out for dinner, (end of Aug) i took him to A&W, we sat and had our dinner, on the way back all he could say was even if it started to rain right now he wouldn't have cared.

Now i don't even want to be here, i am looking at moving back to the GTA (Newmarket- where i was born and raised and i would be closer to my family) I have decided that i am going to buy a nice glass display to put Ron's ashes, his maple leaf stuff and of course his pictures. I guess kinda like a shrine to him. I am not sure how Feb will go as it is his birthday on Feb 11 and our 32 nd anniversary would have been on Feb 19th then there is valentines day.. I keep the stuffed bear and card he bought me last yr out.. I haven't been able to throw out the last ensure he was drinking it remains in the fridge.. Its just so very hard.

Love and hugs

Dar

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Reply by KathCull_admin

18 Mar 2015, 2:48 PM

Hi
Young & Confused were you able to use any of the resources that Dar suggested? I know that Missie's suggestion to take all the time you need is a wise one as well as JennJilks.

Missie have you found people or a group that helps you to feel a little less alone?

Dar what a lovely memory of that 'trip' to A&W. It's not how far we go - it's who we go with. I hope February provided some kindness to you...

I wanted to let all of you know about a thread, Surviving Grief: One Step at a Time. Dar I know you have posted there already.

Till we talk again,
Katherine

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