Dear Caron and Carriek & others:

I am starting this new thread to give you a forum to continue conversations in a new thread where the truth of your feelings will be honoured and heard. Caron and Carriek, since your husbands' have sadly passed away so recently, your focus has changed from constantly and compassionately caring for your loved one to needing now to compassionately care for yourself. It is a huge transition.

I thought it may be painful for you each to revisit the original thread you were involved in. If I am merely projecting my concern onto you, please follow your own guidance and post wherever you prefer.

This thread is a place to explore your many complex emotions and to share your experiences when grief is so heartbreakingly fresh and your feelings raging and raw.

You will find support here and with every word you choose to write about your own personal journey, please know that you will be supporting others who are going through similar trials. Some will have lost a husband to cancer, as have you both. Others may have lost a wife, partner, parent, sibling, a child, a friend. Loss of a loved one feels devastating and especially so in the first days, weeks and months when we feel literally lost ourselves.

This thread is my way of paying tribute to those whose lives have been completely altered by a loved one’s illness followed by death and whose grief feels absolutely overwhelming as they search for hope and healing. It is also for those whom have lived through such an experience so that they might contribute their wisdom to help those struggling to deal with their frightening feelings as they find themselves in the shockingly stark uncharted territory of grief where everything in their world suddenly seems barren and bleak.

I am hoping that by having a dedicated space to express the vast and very tender hurt in your hearts as you are becoming acquainted with profound sorrow, that you will find your own way - eventually - to become uplifted and to cope with your personal tragedy as you strive to carry on.

I have found that just knowing others care and having a safe place to unburden my aching heart has helped me tremendously when grieving my Mom, even when I sometimes thought nothing could or would ever help me find my way to feel life was worth living again without her. Before my Mom died I knew nothing of sorrow really, but now I am learning.

Our Virtual Hospice community is here for you Caron and Carriek and others to give you the care and compassion you deserve, if and when you need it. You are a part of us. You are not forgotten and you are not alone. We are with you.

With affection -hugs -xo
Cath1

Hi Cath,
Thank you for starting a new thread, you are right its sad to re look at my past postings...
Im broken Cath, having a hard hard time. Its so hard to explain.... just broken. Im actually lost as to where and how I begin to go on with my life. It doesnt have the same meaning. The twins and I sem to be going through the motions but without my loving husband it doesnt seem to make sense.  
It's as if we are waiting for him to come home.
Its like each day or in the middle of the day I realize he is not coming home, part of me feels like I have awoken from a bad dream.... a very bad dream.
Its hard to believe that while caring for him that I was so focussed on caring for him that other than hearing myself whisper the words that he was going to die, that I dont think I really prepared myself for being without him.
I seem to be so focussed on wanting him back, I know that I cant have him back, but I hear myself cry those words often.
How do I manage beyond this?
I know he wouldnt want me to be so sad, but that doesnt change how I feel.
I keep asking why ??? why did this happen
How do others get to live?
He was such a great person, so kind, so caring, so loving... I really want him back.
Today I started memory boxes for my daughters of their Daddy.. they are for Christmas..
Im doing a journal for each daughter with every story he ever told me of growing up and stories of our lives together. It brought back alot of memories and before I knew it I looked at the clock and I had been sitting at my computer typing and printing all afternoon. The boxes I bought are beautiful inside there will be photo albums and journals along with keepsakes like his hat, watch, business card, hospital bracelets etc...
Im sure the twins will be touched when they see them... I want his memeory to be always within reach for them, for when they are grown up a box that they can open to feel close to him again, with the pictures, stories and keepsakes right there..
They were his world.... He was ours !!!!
If anyone can offer me some advice, Im ready to hear it.... I am able to pretend when I go out. I have returned to work..but feel that I am pretending every minute...
typing through tears
Carriek                   

Dear Carrie

I understand your grief as I too have lost my husband this year.  My husband of almost 43 years lost his fight with cancer on April 1^st.  In January, he went through a stem cell transplant and was given a diagnosis of cancer free.  Unfortunately, cancer reared its ugly head again.

As you stated, you were focused on caring for your husband, and that’s the way I was with Avery too.  You must realize that your husband loved you being there for him.  On my birthday, he wrote me a card, “I couldn’t do this without you!”  So understand the support you gave him was all about loving him!  That’s what love is!

My journey for me is I have never lived alone.  That’s the hardship that I am facing.  As Mark99 just celebrated his 64^th, I too will face the same scenario next year all by myself.  It’s to find a routine and adjust to life on our own, without opinions from our loved one that I find the hardest as I am sure you do too.

Remember our husbands would want us to be happy.  Hard to accept when you walk through the door and there not there! But in a sense, they are in our hearts!  That special place they will always be!

Cath1 has given me words of support that have kept me going through all of this and I hope you will find comfort that we are here for you! 

I am reading “The Grief Recovery Handbook” that is helping me walk through this, some days, crawling, but my grief some days is easier than others. Remember you are allowed to grieve!  There is no time limit on grief!

A great idea about the memory box for your children.  I may start an album for my grandchildren.  They adored their Poppa! 

Hoping you find comfort for you and your children.

Kind Regards
Jane

Thank You Cath,Jane, NatR & Tian
Thank you  for letting me know that you are all there.
Cath, your words bring tears to my eyes instantly every time I read your posts.... I can tell you have a heart of gold by your insight and depth of understanding and support...
thank you.
I am trying, really trying....
I feel like I am going crazy - talking to him when no one else is around, or when driving... but heh, if it helps right?
I too have not lived alone, I have always leaned on him. Yes I surprised myself so much when I realized that it was me that had always been the stronger one and that he all along had been leaning on me. With that I know I can do this, but....... really wish I didnt have to.
It is the respect and admiration, love, future plans.... and pride that I had for him that brings me to tears-knowing that he is gone.... I just sometimes cant believe it still...
I look at pictures of him on my computer and seem to get lost in an imaginary thought that none of this has happened.
The twins seem to be reacting differently-
One asks me every day... do you miss Daddy-- she has dreamt of him (in which in the dreams he dies)
She has always been more the emotional twin, and with tears in her eyes tells me how much she misses him.

The other seems quiet.
She too was a Daddy"s girl..... Im afraid that she is more thinking she will make us sad by talking about her sadness..
 
They are both seeing a grief councillor, which they seem to look very forward to seeing each time...
Im so glad that they have someone besides me just to talk to.
Thanks for listening guys Im so glad that I have you.

Carolyn
  
            

Dear Cath1, Carolyn

I read your words of encouragement and immediately I always feel relief.  I have not written for a while and honestly, have been too upset some days to write.

  It’s been a roller coaster of emotions the last few weeks dealing with a household crisis.  I had to have help  because my lift pump spud sewage all over the laundry room.  Not having Avery to depend on was very upsetting.  What do I do?  Depending on other people is very hard to do especially when you never needed anyone before. 

With fall here, I am finding it very lonesome, more so this year with the loss of Avery.  He knew how I hated the Fall, and we always tried to plan things to look forward to! 

It’s as if, I have finally accepted Avery’s death this week.  Not sure why this is happening now!  Could be I was holding back, not accepting?  My late sister’s 65^th birthday was on the 20^th, so maybe this was a trigger! 

I am going to start grief counselling next week, and hopefully I will be able to deal with my life as it is!

Carolyn, I hope you will write and tell us how your week has been going.  I find just typing anything seems to calm me down and put me in a better place. 

As always, Cath1 thank you for your kind words of encouragement!

Kind Regards

Jane