Hi, SLS
You are so right. My wife has been my constant – in fact, more than that. Regardless of any “ups and downs” in our 55-year marriage, she is solidly “there for me” now in my greatest time of need. I am such a lucky man.
I call her my EarthAngel. I don’t even know you, but I suspect that you too are an EarthAngel (definition): “One who puts others before themselves. All are called to be EarthAngels. Not all respond.”
I have been a hospice volunteer since 2010 and I have met hundreds of EarthAngels – spouses, caregivers, friends, and medical personnel. So I am pretty good at recognizing them. And you are one, my dear.
I mentioned that we are not allowed to give advice on this site, however, we can pass on what has worked for us and what we have seen work for others.
No two people react the same, so what might work for one will not for another. But if you have many things to look at, perhaps one will resonate.
YOU SAID: “It's Not easy for my husband to hear advice unless it's from someone who's also experiencing death possibly soon.”
What do you think of the following idea? Perhaps share these “postings” with your husband to see if he might find them helpful.
You are right about it feeling different when it’s happening to you. As a hospice volunteer, I am always able to stay compassionate without becoming emotionally overwrought.
However, with my cancer, I do have tearful days.
Online groups work well for some people, however, they are not for everyone. Dealing with one’s own situation is sometimes made more difficult by listening to the stories of others. I get that.
For me, I find that the entire time that I am focused on others, I am not focused on my own situation. My volunteer work is therapeutic for me. Again, this will not work for everyone.
Are you and your husband people of faith – organized religion or otherwise? Is your faith a comfort to you?
YOU SAID: “I don't know what to say a lot of times I try to listen mostly.”
You are fulfilling a great need, especially when you don’t know the answers or unanswerable questions are asked.
The anger is to be expected, of course, and other than letting him vent, there is not much else you can do. But doing that might be a HUGE thing for him.
YOU SAID: “and say that statistics are just that there's a Million variables
he could possible be that small percentage that makes it through although at stage 4
his doctors think otherwise
You and my wife have that in common. She always looks at the positive side and it keeps my spirits up. That is a good and necessary thing.
My doctors have laid out the typical survival averages but I have heard anecdotally of people living for years and years with my cancer.
I’m not telling you what to do, but here is my approach: “I hope for the best, but prepare for the worst.” My goal is to live the fullest in the unknown time remaining.
If I stay in a negative mood and I live for years, I have wasted that time unnecessarily. If I pass away in a short time, I have wasted that time unnecessarily.
I am having a “rest day” today in my Lazyboy chair. I didn’t sleep well last night. Therefore, the quick responses to your postings.
You can post here 10 times a day or 10 times a year, whatever suits your needs.
All I can promise is that I will read everything on the day you post it.
If I can, I will respond quickly. If I have “stuff” happening, ie doctor’s appointments, family duties, etc. I might not reply for a couple of days or so.
I tell you this so that you know it will be circumstantial and not because of a lack of caring on my part.
Peace be with you.
- Michael