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New here and struggling with a lot of emotions

Started by sunshine79

17 Sep 2021, 3:59 PM

Hi everyone,

I am reaching out as I'm feeling very devastated, scared, exhausted, overwhelmed, sad, angry, gloomy. My mom was diagnosed about 5 weeks ago with kidney cancer that has spread to her lung and abdomen. Even writing that is still completely shocking and hard to comprehend because the doctors were doing an MRI on her back for a vertebrae issue and found it.

I am trying to process that mom is so sick. She didn't want a biopsy or treatment, and the doctors didn't feel treatment would be good for her with so many other health issues going on. She's currently in a hospice facility because her back is so fractured that she has lost feeling in her legs so she can't walk, and we wanted her to have the best care possible. Her back problems and her moving out of the house, was bad enough for my family and I, nevermind the new diagnosis. It seems to be all I think about and consume myself with. I am so scared of losing her and not having her in my life, but I know that will happen someday.

I hope to meet some supports here who know how I'm feeling and can relate. Maybe get some tips and support with all these feelings swirling in me. Thanks for any responses.

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Reply by Katherine N (Katherine@virtualhospice.ca)

18 Sep 2021, 7:24 PM

Dear Sunshine 79
I am so sorry I just saw your post now. Thank you so much for posting. What a very difficult time for you - wanting to have your mom have the best care and the support she wants - but wanting to keep her with you. It's such a short time since her diagnosis too. That is a lot to get your head and heart around.

My mom died over 10 years ago, after a long life lived. I still think of things I would like to talk to her about or ask her and wish I had taken more time to just 'be' with her.

Are you able to talk with her or others in your family about how you feel? I know that may not always be possible and it depends on your mom as well and how much energy she has.

Have you been able to talk with others - perhaps a counsellor about how you are feeling?

Warm regards,
Katherine

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Reply by MargMarie

19 Sep 2021, 12:12 AM

Dear SUNSHINE79
Your story is heartbreaking, there has been a lot of changes in such a short time, for you, your mom, and your family. It's ok to feel all those emotions, sometimes life is overwhelming! The one thing that I find helps me,is to not think about tomorrow, but just get through today...some days, it is just getting through the next hour. It sounds like you are doing the best thing for your mom, she has the best care, so you can rest easy knowing that she is where she needs to be right now. Love yourself, love your family, love your mom, and live THIS day as full as you are able. I also Have a strong faith which I find helps me manoeuvre through this journey...

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Reply by sunshine79

19 Sep 2021, 4:43 AM

Thank you very much for your responses. I do have family and a close friend I can talk to, and I sm going to start going to counselling more.

I'm trying so hard to be with mom as much as I can fit into my day, along with work, my own family, and spending time with my dad who is now adjusting to living alone, and has health issues of his own, which I also worry about a lot.

You are right, it has been a huge amount in such a short time and sometimes I cry so hard and so often that it does feel like I am in physical pain and like my heart has been stomped on. I keep going with hope when faith, I pray a lot, I try to be positive, but I honestly feel like a terrified little girl right now.

Thank you again for reaching out. It means a lot to me.

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Reply by MargMarie

19 Sep 2021, 12:08 PM

Dear SUNSHINE79
Give yourself some grace during this time...pray often for peace, sometimes as a daughter, a wife, a mother, an employee, we wear many hats...you will get through this..yes, you will cry, many days you will be a mess..but you will get through it,stronger and able to walk alongside another..I believe that when life sucks and crumbles around us,God is always with us, asking us to draw on His strength..please know that I am praying for you and your dad....

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Reply by Nouce

19 Sep 2021, 8:59 PM

Dear SUNSHINE 79,

It is so very hard when a crisis crashes in--and you have a crisis in the midst of a very full and challenging life. I especially feel your struggle in caring for and with both your mother and your father--as their needs are very different.

My last few years caring for both my dad and my mom were so hard. Sometimes I told myself, don't think of yourself as a daughter. Just do what needs to be done as a caregiver. I am not sure that was very helpful--but it helped me to creat a bit of mental space at times.

It's good to hear you let yourself cry, and that you are praying. May you find places to breathe, and to feel yourself loved, even if only in timy minutes each day.

Peace to you,

Nouce

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Reply by country pumpkin

05 Oct 2021, 2:54 AM

Dear Sunshine 79

I just logged on to this site. I'm truly sorry for your pain, experience and news of your Mother's health. I am caring for my 88 year old mother who is in pallative need and feel very lost. All I can truly say is love your mother in the moment, listen and rejoyce the time you can with her. This may sound silly but I know when I feel like I cannot handle one more minute of despare and anxiety because of watching someone you love dearly in pain etc I remind myself of all the good and bad times I have had with that person. You are doing the best you can do and I wish I could give you a hug and say it will get better. My thoughts and prayers go out to you and your family. It's okay to get angry, mad or cry. You need to express your emotions and not bottle them up. I know it is not easy for I'm not handling my emotions very well. Please hang in there.

Country Pumpkin

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Reply by Mary09

05 Oct 2021, 7:36 PM

Dear Sunshine 79 and also Country Pumaking,

I just wanted to send you love and strength. I too am caring for my mom who has advanced cancer and is currently unable to walk because of back pain. Caregiving has consumed my life and there are days I don't think I can keep going. It is hard. But we go one day at a time because we love them and know that one day we will be glad we were there foe them. It is nice to see these messages and not feel so alone. I wish there was somewhere we could find that was a more active online support for caregivers. I could sure use that.
Tale care of yourselves. xo

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Reply by sunshine79

05 Oct 2021, 8:16 PM

Thank you very much for your responses. I can't imagine being the sole caregiver, that would make life even more difficult. I am trying to stay present and in the moment and sometimes I do okay and sometimes I don't and that's okay.

I too wish I had a support Network that specialized in exactly what we are going through. Its so draining nobody understands it unless they have been through it. I don't even know how else to describe it.

I am sending you all hugs and support.

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Reply by Mary09

05 Oct 2021, 8:31 PM

Thank you so much Sunshine. It's so true people cannot understand. I am somewhat new to this site...it's a shame you can't private message people that would be such a help. I would be happy to chat with people who understand On a regular basis.

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