THE BALL AND THE BOX
A Helpful Analogy Concerning Why You Can’t ‘Just Get Over’ Grief - author unknown
Grief is a tricky thing to explain and to understand. Everyone grieves differently, and there’s certainly no timeline that lets you know how you’re supposed to feel. The following analogy might be as close as anyone can come to a “general description” of grief.
The Ball and The Box
Pretend (for a minute) that you have a piece of paper in front of you and a pencil in hand.
To start, draw a square box.
The box represents the parameters of your day-to-day life just after the loss of a loved one.
Inside the box, draw a large circular ball.
This ball represents the unpredictable rolling nature of your grief.
On the left side of the box draw a red “button.”
The red button represents emotional pain.
The tilting of the box mimics your sense of imbalance as you try to navigate your new life without your loved one
In the beginning, when the grief is new, the ball (your feelings of grief) is very large. It takes up a lot of the box.
As your life moves along unsteadily, the large rolling ball hits the button (pain), over and over again.
The pain is fairly constant. Sometimes it seems unrelenting. You can’t control it – it just keeps hurting.
Eventually (and the timeframe is different for everyone), the ball (your grief) shrinks. It takes up less and less space in the “box” of your day-to-day routine.
But every now and then, your ball of grief (even though it is smaller than it was in the beginning) still hits the pain button. Maybe you have a memory of a shared time together. Maybe a certain song plays on the radio. Maybe it comes out of nowhere.
For most people, the ball never really goes away, it just becomes smaller as time passes. The now smaller ball hits that pain button less often, but when it does, it hurts just as much. But by hitting the pain button less often you have more time to recover between hits.
In some ways, your life is better because you can function day-to-day more easily. But the downside is that the ball randomly hits that button when you least expect it. It can take time for the ball in your box to shrink.
You shouldn’t feel rushed into “getting over” your grief, and you definitely shouldn’t feel judged for grieving, no matter how long ago it started.
A Few Thoughts:
It’s OK and it’s natural that you experience waves of sadness over all the things that you miss about your loved one.
It doesn’t mean that there is something wrong with you.
It doesn’t mean that you are weak.
It doesn’t mean that you should have “gotten over” your grief by now.
People who speak of closure as though it is a destination do not fully understand the Journey of Healing. For many of us (if not most), there is no such thing as complete and total “closure”.
In general, feelings (especially the tough ones) are hard to articulate. And the Journey of Healing is different for every person. It is no wonder that almost no one can understand the Journey of Healing of another.
One of the problems in society is that people don’t talk enough about death or grief and the impact that it has on their lives and the lives of others.
People don’t want to bring up the subject with the person who is grieving because they don’t want to upset the person even though the person grieving may want to unload their feelings, or simply reminisce about their loved one.
The other problem is that there are far too few people willing to simply be a compassionate listener, not to provide answers, but simply to be a peaceful presence.
This is where forums such as Canadian Virtual Hospice can play a significant role in helping people who are grieving.
I thought this was the best description of grief I’ve heard in a long time. This analogy helps me understand why people (me included) can experience grief over losing a loved one - years, even decades later, perhaps forever.
I hope the above words bring you a measure of peace, love, hope and understanding.
– author unknown