Hi Razz
There is no easy answer, that I can tell you from experience. I went through this with Mom, and it is the never ending question, do we or don't we do this. Comfort and quality are important, I know that from dealing with Mom, but it was also perhaps different in my case, as I lived with Mom. Not sure if that applies to you.
If there is only the 2 visits daily from the home care company, perhaps it is simply that she is lonely. I know Mom felt that way too, as I was usally downstairs at the beginning, in our own suite. However, once I started staying upstairs, working upstairs and just being there with her, Mom seemed to find it easier, her desire for food was never great, but it held its own, and I think perhaps that is one of the hardest part of being a remaining parent. The feeling of isolation, of loneliness.
Not sure where you are, but if in BC, well, the lab can come to you, if the Doctor orders it, and I know Mom had regular blood tests, which I think is important. Granted Mom was on Cumadin, a blood thinner, but our Doctor routinely checked for anemia, for infections, etc. At times a simpy fix of an iron pill was all Mom needed to perk back up.
You talked about an ointment or cream, for her sores, and perhaps that is something you need to see about, because having sores, having an itch, isn't comforting. I know Mom would say it was okay, which is something older people do. They are afraid to ask for help, because they have this notion that somehow they are asking for too much, or that it is too much to ask for.
One thing I learned, was to constantly assure Mom, that me being there, me putting on the creams she needed, was not an issue, not a problem. I would be working at my computer, during the day, and I caught her looking up at me, a thin smile would cross her lips, and she would know she was not alone. That smile meant it all, and sometimes I think, that is all that is needed. The ability to know someone who cares, is there with them.
When one is alone, they imagine the worse, they feel like, well what you said she seems to be feeling, that it doesnt matter, and yet, to us, the people who love them, it does. They simply just need to be shown, that we do care, that they do matter. It is about not just giving their body comfort, but their mind and heart too.
No matter our beliefs, they are afraid too, and we need to summon our own courage up, to talk about those things, to tell them that they will always be in our hearts, our minds, our thoughts, long after their body has left the earth. They need our reassurance, and for some strange reason, it helps us too.
I am rambling a bit, its been a bit of a day, a lot of memories flooding in, but I know that I may have messed things up in many ways, not made the right call here and there, but the one thing I know I did right, was to be there. To just be in eyesight, earshot.
There is no easy answer to when is enough, enough. But sometimes you have to go with what you feel, not what someone else tells you, not the doctors, the home care workers, or the case workers. Sometimes you just have to let your own heart decide on what to do.
But things like going out to labs, going for this and that test, can be more upsetting than should be. See about in home lab tests, it is only a pin prick and least the one's who came regularly for Mom were good at their job. But someone has to be there, has to hold the hand, has to always have a smile handy, telling her it is okay, that it not a problem.
Mom was lucky in that our Doctor came to us, he had nurses who would come to check on her, which made life a lot easier for Mom, given her mobility issues. But I did learn one important thing from all that, which was to not let her sit, to let her get comfortable in being wheeled around in a wheelchair. Keep her using her own legs, with aid, as long as possible.
Maybe others here can help better than I can, but if you can, find a way to not have be alone, and talk with her, even if she just sits and says nothing. Find the small things that made her smile, made her laugh, and have them all around. You never know what will suddenly give her a spark.
But honestly, it sounds to me, like she just needs some reassurances, that she does matter, that she isn't a burden, a chore. It is not easy to do, and it is a total gut wrencher too, but then, it is what we do, isn't it?
Ian