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Reply by KathCull_admin
08 Jun 2015, 1:15 PM

Hello everyone,
Marymary, I know you started a new thread Chemo & the brain - any thoughts? last evening. But I thought members on this thread might be able to shed some light on your question as well so wanted to give them the link.


Katherine  

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Reply by Marymary
08 Jun 2015, 2:44 PM

Thank you., I didn't know how to do that
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Reply by KathCull_admin
08 Jun 2015, 2:46 PM

Helping - That is one of the reasons we are here for you:)
Katherine 
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Reply by Marymary
10 Jun 2015, 2:01 PM

I am so torn here?

I have to finish packing moving all into storage on Sat. and it's Wed., I want to be there and do pop in quite often my son stays home til he goes and lies down. he is a good boy (18).

Our son mentioned last couple of nites., mom - dad is not talking., he's trying to eat but just can't cuz of nauseousness.  I think dad is depresssed mom.   He just called @ 630am and said you have to call dad and ask him what happened this morning?  I said honey I will but talk to me I need to know., he said mom he's dry heaving it is just disgusting - poor kid and poor dad.  Gosh I hate this - I can't be in two places at once - it's temporary. But... 

I will be moved into his place on Sunday but it almost seems like too far away at times but I have to get things done at my place so really no choice.

From a mom perspective I do not want our son having to be there all on his own with his dad., I want to support him but can't do all at once.  He helps out at house, dishes, vacuaams, yard work etc. he's picking up the slack while his dad is not doing well.  Tries to encourage his dad to drink cuz he's not eating., and is real concerned about him :( 

How do you support a son who is in crunch time at school., Grade 12., graduation, hockey and girlfriend and having to watch dad while I get stuff done here., I just tell him I know this really sucks honey and it is just temporary and I will be moved in on Sunday honey so you can have some time with your friends and go spend some time with them.

This so sucks big time - really does.  I will be in there soon enough but I CAN'T be in both places right now.

I have his dad covered for rides over next 3 days., I have people coming in to check on him like today a friend will spend day with him.  Tommorow my sister will be with him during part of the day.  Then friday someone's driving him but no one to check in on him?  Will work out some how - I know.

I know it's temporary his treatments etc., I have to go with that & I know it's goign to get worse before it ever gets better., but I will be there to help out in whatever area I can.

Sorry just getting this out cuz I so much want to be there but have to be here so I can move in there - geez lousie.

Thank you for allowing me this time to vent well not vent but share my frustration at this time., I'm having my coffee and crying cuz I so want to be there - ahhhh

thank you I NEED a hug lol as does my son and his dad too 

 
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Reply by NatR
10 Jun 2015, 2:41 PM

Dear Marymary,

sending you you a huge wrap around hug!
i hear the situation you are in, your caring and your stress...you are being pulled limb from limb and you are the support person.  That's why supporting caregivers is so important.

you are going to get there, you are a lifeline for your son too.   One day you will look back and wonder...how did I do that?

Feel free to write whatever  you need to share - it's helpful...and eases the pain believe it or not...just to be heard...even by a group of scattered friends across the country.

hang in there...it's almost the end of the transition..,and you are going to feel better when you are moved and right where you need yo be.

your son sounds like a warm and caring young man ... You must be so proud of him
best wishes from northern Ontario where a thunderstorm is right over my place ( so it seems)
natr 👍🏻 
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Reply by Marymary
11 Jun 2015, 4:47 PM

Thank you the hugs and the positive loving energy sent our way - thank you :)

Taking time out right now for coffee., then back at packing hopefully by end of today all done and tommorow and sat. just cleaning whew.

He has lost his voice now., thank god we're doing power of attorney today.  Gosh sakes 

What takes place in 24 hours is wow., I knew it was coming and he is on #20 radiation, but seriously every 24 hours something news just pops up.  Like I say you know it's going to happen but every 24 hours is something new, his hearing is starting to go too., I so wish we could do something to comfort all people who are going through this you know but there is NO comforting., yes we can be there and support but other than that., nothing really.

I am at a loss of what to say to him., he is upset with his own body at this point., I suppose he is coming to terms with it, you know those stages., knowing, then acknowledge, then accepting.  I'm unsure if cancer patients ever come to the accepting stage?  Just thoughts coming to my mind as I type.

Unfortunately, not much they can do for the dry heaving they say it's a mechanical thing not the chemical thing due to chemo., they say it has to do with his throat., some people not all but there is a percentage that are affected like this :(

That's hard for him I know - I know how it is affecting our son & even me what takes place in 24 hours let alone him - gosh. He was quite cranky/grumpy on Monday Tues., well because he knows his hearing is going , which he finally admitted to me., understandable with the crankiness.  Just wish there was some way to comfort but nope there is only support.

I had a couple of his buddies yesterday there when he came back from hospital., which was good all sat outside chatting and breathing in the fresh air., it was good for him., he was joking, teasing, and overall just jovial.  Then last night his voice got quite gruff then this morning he barely has a voice :(  

My son I know htere is the other thing not much I can do there either.  He's so concerned and worried about his dad., they used to tease and joke, and go to hockey together and watch hockey and golf together but now they don't really talk I noticed and well golfing is out cuz of sun and then my son goes to hockey but his dad has not gone for 2 wks now.  

The hockey is the most one that was their bonding time, his dad has gone to every singley game since he has been 5 yrs old he's now 18.,  with exception while he was in hosptial for 4 months in 2013/2014.  So jsut another reminder for our son about his dad's health :( 

I personally think our son is doing ok., he's got great support in his friends & has 2 teachers to speak too also and of course me.  He does aske questions and is open and honest with me about his concnerns/worries.  Ahh he says mom I'm ok with everything except if dad is going to die., is he?  He has brought that up twice now and all I say is I can't say that honey., nor will the dr's there are no guarantees, we just have to see what happens a few months after dad has completed his treatments ok.  He can come through this., but each body is different in how it deals with the treatments., maybe your dad will not have severe side effects like some?  We don't know that so let's just go day by day ok.  Then I tell him how much I love and care about him and we talk about other things., I do this so he can think of positive things going on in his life and not dwell too much on the negative., NO it's not because I don't want him to delal with or push away his thoughts about his dad, I just don't want him to be in that place all the time., it seems to be working., he laughs and kids and tries to bring a smile to his dads face.  He gets it out with me and we talk about his dad's condition after dinner we have our talks about what we've noticed in last 24 hours then we both just move on from that.,  so it's not like we're not dealing with it., we just can't stay there - hope this makes sense., i think it does us both good and then we carry on with our day.

I will feel much more relieved and less stress once packing done and everything moved into storage on sat. morning., then clean on sat. then hopefully if all goes well i'm there sunday that is what i'm shooting for.

thank you for listening to me :)  I hope others who are going through this keeps their chin up and reminder it is only temporary not a permanent thing (treatments I Mean) and go from there...  
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Reply by Wingman
15 Jun 2015, 12:20 AM

Hi Marymary.
My best friend is also battling stage 4 head and neck cancer. It has been a tough and unpredictable year...i understand your feelings of loss of friends and trying to be everything to everyone. I have not shared much of my pressures with people I know, but the events of this last week may change that....hard to say. I have been, in a word, resentful-of friends that do not ask....that dont "get it"....but I reprimand myself as I have  not been forthcoming...and yet I want someone to understand. All I can say to you os stay the course...do your best and maintain balance. It is easy to say....it is, at times impossible to do. I for one do get it....and will keep you in my thoughts.
 WM
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Reply by marstin
15 Jun 2015, 12:40 AM

Hi Melinda and all.

How quickly the time has gone by since I last wrote on here. I see that new people have joined and as is with this site, quickly been taken under someone's wing. This bonding through sadness is an incredible thing.

Melinda, my friend, how are you doing? Is it kayak season yet? I was just rereading the last time we spoke and feel terrible that so much time has passed since I talked to you. I am so sorry. This moving business has been very tough to do. I am still moving things over at this point. I sold my house in one day (crazy market out here) and they take possession on July 7th so I don't have much time to finish up. It is all so bittersweet as we know that soon we will say goodbye to our home. The new place is okay but a much noisier area compared to what we are used. It is slightly closer to 'my office' though. We also have a new member in the family as my niece gave birth to a baby boy on April 16th. The day he was born I actually made eye contact with my brother for the first time in two years. I doubt that we will ever heal our rift but that's waht insensitivity can do to relationships when we're in our darkest hours.

So, did you get your eyes done? I'm glad to hear that you are focusing on making yourself feel good. You totally deserve it. Have you done what you were thinking of doing with Stan's ashes? I think that it is a great idea. I like that you are making choices that are your own and not being consumed with what others may think. At least I hope that's how you are feeling. You appear to be coming out the other side of things but I'm sure that you also still have times of sadness and pain. As I near the 3 year mark for Len's passing, I still find myself missing so many things about him.

Please write when you have some time and let me know how you are doing.

Hugs,
Tracie
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Reply by KathCull_admin
17 Jun 2015, 1:07 PM

Hi Marymary,
Thinking about you and wondering how the move went this past weekend. I hope you have settled in - or at least begun to settle in.

I know this will be a busy time for you so post when you can.
Katherine 
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Reply by Xenia
17 Jun 2015, 1:52 PM

Hi Mary Mary:

I sent out a message two days ago, however, my computer had a problem, and somehow deleted it.  I am having problems with this computer and as such am sending you a great big hug to let you know we on CVH are here to support you during this very trying time.

I trust you are movedin and settled now and you are able to get your bearings and settle into somewhat normalicy with all that is going on.  Don't try to do too many things at this time.  I learned this later on after my husband, Johns, passing this past January.

I tried to be all things and do allthings and realized now that I couldn;t and at this time I am able to see thigs more clearly.

My compuer is acting up again so I will sign off with wishes of comfort to you at this time and will be in touch as soon as my computer is checked out again.

Regards

Xenia. 
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