Hi Cindie46,
My heart goes out to you as you go through this difficult time. In the past 6 months I have lost my husband Len to cancer and my mom passed 7 weeks later due to the stress. Losing my two closest people has been extremely painful. I hear your anger and your mom's. Your mom is probably feeling so powerless and her cigarettes bring her some consolation. I know it doesn't make much sense to you but it is a selfish time for her. Len was a smoker and as the disease progressed, he did quit but I think it came at a time when he stopped taking in any food or drink. I also am a dumb smoker and my daughters get so angry at me for it. While I feel guilt over it, it is my crutch. I understand your anger and your fears. I see it in my daughter's eyes everytime I light up. I'm all that they have left and even knowing that, I can't seem to kick this bad habit. I do keep trying though but with stress comes the need for consolation and a stupid cigarette for us that smoke does seem to bring some small comfort. Please do get some help for your anger at your mom. She is not trying to hurt you. Whatever time you have left with her should be a loving time and not filled with rage. You are in pain and it is okay to feel it, lean into it and eventually accept it. It is part of the grieving process that starts long before the loss.
Hugs,
Tracie